Witchery

An Italian/American co-production co-starring Linda Blair and David 'The Hoff' Hasselhoff: how could any fan of trashy horror resist such a treat?

Well, based on the uneventful, extremely tedious, and utterly nonsensical first forty minutes or so, I would have said 'very easily'; thankfully, however, things do eventually get a tad more entertaining with the introduction of several inventive death scenes, and for those lucky enough to find an uncut copy, a smattering of nudity too (unfortunately, my copy was optically edited to remove such offensive material).

The Hoff stars as Gary, a photographer who accompanies his beautiful girlfriend Leslie (Leslie Cumming) to a run-down hotel on a seemingly deserted island in order to take pictures for her latest project, a book about witches; whilst there, frustrated Gary also hopes to try and cure a bad case of blue balls by relieving Leslie of her virginity.

His plans for nookie are scuppered, however, by the unexpected arrival of property developers Freddie and Rose Brooks (Robert Champagne and Annie Ross), their pregnant daughter Jane (Blair), son Tommy (Michael Manchester), pretty nymphomaniac architect Linda Sullivan (Catherine Hickland), and estate agent Jerry (Rick Farnsworth), who have come to inspect the island's hotel.

After explaining their unexpected presence on the island, Gary and Leslie are welcomed by the property's new owners, and when a violent storm suddenly picks up, making it perilous to return to the mainland, everyone agrees to spend the night in the old building. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the hotel's new guests, the place is also home to the spirit of an evil witch (Hildegard Knef), who requires human sacrifices in order to bring herself back to life. One by one, victims are pulled into a swirling red vortex (which is guaranteed to provide unintentional laughs), before meeting a terrible fate.

None of this makes much sense, and the acting is atrocious (Manchester as Tommy is particularly bad, whilst Hasselhoff proves to be one of the better performers, which speaks volumes about the others), but those viewers who make it past the dreary first half are rewarded with some pretty decent moments of gore: Rose has her lips sewn together, before being roasted alive in a fireplace; Jerry is crucified and burnt alive; Linda is tortured by hags and impaled on a swordfish(!!); Freddie's veins pulsate and erupt in geysers of blood; and Gary gets stabbed in the back.

Oh, and Leslie is raped by a guy with no lips and Blair gets possessed (again).

From the people who brought you Troll 2, here's another one that will make you scratch your head so much that you'll draw blood. Witchery, upon first glance, seems like any other haunted house/possession flick, but upon further inspection, it's anything but. Featuring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff (guess they were trying to target that German market?), Witchery is one of those movies you finish and, for the longest time, you think it was something you dreamnt about.

This is in no small part to the female lead's performance that can only be described as somnambulist. It's as if she's reading from cue cards or her performance is being channeled via another spirit that's possessing her. It's a thing of bad movie beauty.

Gore fans will find a lot to enjoy as people get their lips sewn shut in extreme close up.

David Hassellhoff seemed to be lost in this film, not because it was a bad movie, but because it was so far from his days in knight rider, well only a few years, maybe his cash was drying up and he needed a top up, and Linda Blair, well you only have to look at her whatever movie she is in and the Exorcist comes flooding back. But even still this film was pretty good, and was still quite entertaining, especially the scene where the nagging old hag gets her mouth stitched together, and as if that was not enough is left dangling upside down in a chimney over a burning fireplace, just ignore the fuzzy picture and take it for what it is, A low budget gore feast.

An Italian horror movie with so many juicy AKA titles and starring both Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff... I mean, that has got to be worth it, right? "Witchery" is not even as inept as Umberto Lenzi's "Ghosthouse" - or maybe it is - and it's about as much fun. Hassle Da Hoff is always worth a few chuckles, if you ask me. Linda Blair gets to play her possessed self again, with an exploded hairdo this time. "Witchery" also features a handful of pretty memorable killings (lips sewn tight and burned in the fireplace, pulsating veins popping & squirting and bleeding to death, nailed to the cross and burned like a witch upside down, etc). This movie really ain't wrapped too tight, and there lies the beauty of it all: Italian genre movies from the 80's are usually a pretty bonkers affair altogether (that ghostly rape of a virgin was a winner! - yes, there's boobies). Safe to say I enjoyed "Witchery", more than I thought I would . Both Lenzi's first one (Italian title: "La Casa 3") and this unrelated, unofficial second film are recommended viewings if you like your haunted house stuff trashy, gory and Italian-style. Much like a big, greasy pizza, these movies aren't exactly nutritious, but they're tasty as hell.

A group of people are stranded at an isolated hotel by an evil witch (Hildegard Knef) who possesses them and kills them. I don't understand why the rating for this film is so low on IMDB. It's well made by the standards of the horror genre and featuring a good performance by Knef, some seriously scary scenes, and good effects. It is however unrelently mean and cruel. Unrated; Extreme Violence, Rape, and Profanity.