The Lost Empire

This movie, although a grade 'B, movie.. warrants viewing ... believe me, if you like MST3k videos, you'll like this one even without robotic comments. There's something about the honesty and simplicity of the actresses that makes it a very wholesome movie ... so watch it, or drop out!

Three bosomy babes go undercover to the island of Dr. Sin Do (Angus Scrimm) to find out why Angel's cop brother was murdered by some ninja looking dudes. The diabolical doctor holds a martial arts tournament, but it also using his conquests for slaves to be sold while staying young by drinking their blood. Oh, and he is also looking to gain world power by combining the ancient Eyes of the Avatar stones, one of which just happens to be in Angel's purse. This was director Jim Wynorski's directing debut and it is delight from start to finish. It is incredibly pulpy and definitely has its tongue-in-cheek. The most surprising thing here is all three female leads (Melanie Vincz as Angel, Raven De La Croix as Whitestar, Angela Aames as Heather) are actually really funny in their roles, showing they were on the same page as Wynorski. Of course, seeing as this is Wynorski, you know that the screen will be covered in busty babes who get topless. Hell, his opening shot is a James Bond-style scope that pans across some boobs! He doesn't disappoint and Russ Meyer would be proud. It is such a strong debut for Wynorski that it saddens me that he basically stopped giving a damn 10 years later and now just cranks out generic action and T&A messes. Co- starring Paul Coufos as love interest Rick, Robert Tessier as evil sidekick Koro, and Blackie Dammett (aka Anthony Keidis' pop) as a corrupt cop.

This absurd farrago is something of a guilty pleasure on my part. Anticipating (15 years early) the recent "Charlie's Angels" movie, it features three ethnically-mixed women, all martial arts experts, investigating a preposterous plot and thoroughly intimidating the various hapless males they stumble across.

The film begins with "Dirty Harriet" type cop action and climaxes with gladiatorial battles and a sub-Bondian villain threatening the world with a doomsday weapon that looks alarmingly like a giant phallus. It's fast-moving, funny and good-natured enough to be enjoyable viewing.

Too many people watch films expecting EVERY SINGLE ONE to be Oscar worthy! In fact statistically you will find that most cannot hope to deliver a product at that level! This is one of those films, shall we call them "Friday Night Films". I usually have a gathering of friends round mine on Friday nights (too old to go out on the town nowadays), where we line up 2-3 titles to pass the time. Some weeks are "serious", some not. Last week we watched 12 years a slave, Argo & Munich, the week before it was this, Troll 2 & Hell comes to frogtown...catch my drift? The Lost Empire is a campy, exploitation piece of cinema with copious amounts of nudity, some hopeless "fight" scenes that have to be seen to be believed (especially the wooden shuriken to the back of the head scene), a craptastic villain complete with henchmen and little/no story. The women all look good, especially the 3 leads, but the extras aren't too shabby either! The story requires little/no attention to be paid to the screen throughout, which is exactly what crap film nights are all about, as more time is spent laughing and chatting than watching.

If you're a fan of trash cinema like Death Wish 3, Street Trash, Tromaville films, etc then you really can't go far wrong with this! Enjoy.

Jim Wynorski starts as he means to go on, opening his directorial debut The Lost Empire with a close-up shot of a buxom woman's cleavage. The owner of the impressive breasts is a customer at a jewellery store who leaves the premises as three ninjas arrive to steal a precious jewel from the eye of a statue. The owner of the shop gets a shuriken in the head. Three cops show up and begin shooting at the ninjas; all three ninjas die, but not before killing two of the policemen and mortally wounding the third. This wild pre-credits scene perfectly sets the tone for this very daft action flick: cheesy comic book fun with big boobs.

After the credits have rolled, Wynorski sets up the plot: before they were vanquished, a forgotten civilisation called the Lemurians hid secrets of their super-science in two jewels - the Eyes of Avatar - which were separated during the war. Now, whoever brings the stones together again will rule with absolute power, and guess what?... an evil genius called Sin Do (Angus Scrimm) is planning to do just that!

Seeking revenge for the death of her brother (one of the cops killed in the opening scene), beautiful and buxom (natch) blonde Angel Wolfe (Melanie Vincz) teams up with massive-mammaried native American Whitestar (Raven De La Croix) and jailbird-with-big-jugs Heather McClure (Angela Aames) to enter a competition held at Sin Do's island fortress, the tyrant intending to build an army of trained assassins.

Like a cross between Charlie's Angels, a Russ Meyer movie and Enter The Dragon, this deliberately trashy exercise in silliness sees Wynorski packing in as much exploitative content as possible in his scant 83 minute run-time: ninjas, native American mysticism, a women's prison catfight (that turns into a mudbath), a shower scene, a robot tarantula, bad sword-fights, a pet gorilla (of the man-in-a-suit variety), a powerful phallic laser weapon, and, of course, lots of gazongas.

It goes without saying that it's all very low-brow, and with an obviously tight budget, extremely cheap looking at times (there's a really bad matte painting and Angus Scrimm's skeletal make-up at the end is little more than a rubber mask), but it is quite a lot of fun. Wynorski's stuck to his guns over the years, with countless 'fully loaded' films featuring well-endowed women, but this is still one of the better ones.

6.5/10, generously rounded up to 7 for IMDb.