La guerra del ferro: Ironmaster

Despite it's Frank Frazetta-style, Conan-esque cover art, Umberto Lenzi's Ironmaster is actually like one of those Hammer cavemen films featuring grunting cro-magnons, or the more serious French film Quest for Fire (1981), only this being an Italian rip-off, the prehistoric humans speak perfect English (at least in the version I saw) and there's not a stop-motion creature to be seen (but there are some plastic mammoths and a tribe of monkey-like neanderthals). And like Hammer's films - One Million Years B.C., When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth and Creatures the World Forgot - the cave-women are all ravishing beauties in small animal-skin bikinis. Coming from the director that gave us Cannibal Ferox and Eaten Alive!, one can also expect a smattering of brutal violence as well.

And yet, behind all of the blatant silliness and skull-crushing action, Lenzi's film is actually a thought-provoking allegory about the cold war. No, seriously.

The story concerns a tribe of cavemen whose leader is thinking of stepping down and handing the reins to kindly muscleman Ela (Sam Pasco), instead of his hotheaded son Vood (George Eastman). Miffed, Vood brains his father with a stone axe and tries to take leadership, but having witnessed the murder, Ela speaks up, and Vood is run out of Bedrock (but not before killing the tribe's shaman as well). While stomping around at the foot of an erupting volcano (as you do), Vood discovers a long, sword-shaped piece of iron, and returns to his tribe brandishing his indestructible weapon, this time successfully seizing control and exiling Ela.

As Ela roams the land, encountering hilarious naked monkey-men and befriending gorgeous (but, sadly, not naked) blonde Isa (Elvire Audray), Vood and his followers mine the black rock from the slopes of the volcano, smelting its iron to make more swords, before setting about enslaving neighbouring tribes. Isa's people - peace-loving fishermen who see no need for weapons - are easily overpowered by Vood and his cronies, but Ela helps them to fight back, training them in the art of combat and inventing the bow and arrow in his spare time. When Vood hears that Ela is in the village, he and his men launch an attack but are surprised to be met by resistance.

No prizes for guessing that the good guys win, after which they ditch their weapons in a lake. Peace and love and all that.

Let's be honest though, we don't watch this kind of film for thinly veiled messages about the arms race and the need for nuclear disarmament; we watch it for the exploitative elements and unintentional lols, and there are plenty of those: Vood might have discovered Iron, but Ela is quite obviously keeping schtum about his stash of steroids and baby oil, while Isa appears to have access to lipstick and eye-shadow; Vood's scheming female side-kick Lith (Pamela Prati) struggles unsuccessfully to remain inside her bikini top; the costumes for the ape-like neanderthals come complete with genitalia; the speed at which the cavemen develop advanced weapon-making skills is quite remarkable; likewise, Ela and company's marksmanship with their crude bows and arrows is nothing short of amazing. Lenzi's fans will also be delighted by the gore: we get Vood's father's smushed head, a couple of severed arms, and numerous arrows in various body parts.

I'm not about to pretend that Ironmaster is a good film - it's unlikely to appear in anyone's all-time Top 10 - but for those appreciate cheesy Italian films, there should be plenty to enjoy. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for a couple of fun special effects (including a model volcano and a nice matte painting) and for Vood's manky lion head-dress.

OK, OK... So Iron Master isn't a great Masterpiece and blah, blah, blah..., but it was released in the same year I was born, so that makes it cool, OK?! Seriously though, I know it isn't a great movie and I know that the cover has nothing to do with the movie, but let's be honest, if it wasn't for that cover, we would never have watched the movie in the first place and never experienced the only movie that's so bad, it's actually good. I consider it an education watching someone's attempt at making a good movie with a low budget. It shows a love for the art of film-making and you have to admire the effort that went into the plot, even though there are a few holes here and there. If I were to choose between watching Clockwork Orange and Iron Master again, I'd choose Iron Master without a second though. FACT! I like this movie. I watched it for the first time when I was 11 and still remember the story, theme, feel and inspiration it brought to my young imagination. At the least, I'd give it a 6/10

Set at the dawn of history, a tribe's discovery of iron weapons sparks a struggle for survival and control over this newfound power.

Director Umberto Lenzi crafts a raw, prehistoric adventure that tries to cash-in on Quest for Fire (1981) with its sparse landscapes and gritty tone. It leans more toward Thor the Conqueror (1983), Sword of the Barbarians (1982) (with Peter McCoy AKA Pietro Torrisi) and Conquest (1983) rather than Conan the Barbarian (1982).

The Invincible Barbarian (1982) and Throne of Fire (1983) star Torrisi secretly body doubles for lead Sam Pasco. George Eastman commands the screen with his intense presence. The score, partly recycled from Slave of the Cannibal God (1978), adds to its exploitation charm.

Lenzi's resourceful direction gives the film a grander feel than expected, with clever use of matte paintings, puppetry, and forced perspective.

Overall, of course the poster art is cooler than the movie, still, it's a solid mix of survival drama and tribal power plays, Ironmaster is a primal treat for fans of Lenzi and the genre.

Umberto Lenzi has almost always been one of Italy's better "B-movie" directors, delivering consistently entertaining films throughout his career right up to the mid 80's. Ironmaster was a bit of a turning point, with Lenzi working with smaller and smaller budgets and with lesser and lesser known actors.

With this dead-serious caveman adventure, we have most of the old regulars from Lenzi's crime films like Nello Pazzafini, Giovanni Cianfriglia, Ottaviano Dell'Acqua, and Riccardo Petrazzi (most of whom were primarily stunt men)... a couple other familiar faces like William Berger (KEOMA), George Eastman (KING DAVID), Danilo Mattei and Walter Lucchini (both from CANNIBAL FEROX) and that kid with the wounded leg in NIGHTMARE CITY. But who did Lenzi's producer Luciano Martino cast as the lead? The answer is the pretty mysterious case of bodybuilder Sam Pasco, who seem to have appeared out of nowhere and then disappeared (having never acted in a film since) even though he really isn't bad at all in this movie.

Anyway, the whole thing is a pretty obvious parable of WW2 with Eastman's character Vood as basically Hitler's caveman equivalent, though he goes around smashing things while his lady friend does all the talking for him. It's actually not a bad plotline either, aided by some sumptuous photography, decent special effects, some really energetic editing, and one of Guido and Maurizio De Angelis's best forgotten scores (omitting the really lame title theme). The movie's main weakness is the heavy-handedness of everything, with morals being pitched left and right when the movie is really too low budget and silly to be taken seriously.

Almost universally, this film is trashed as one of the all-time worst but it really isn't that bad at all. Much like Bruno Mattei's much-maligned ROBOWAR and Sergio Martino's SLAVE OF THE CANNIBAL GOD (which this film recycles some music from) IRONMASTER really would have been given a lot more credit had the producers put a little more money into it. It's still quite a lot of fun, and pretty far from boring to say the least.

I originally bought this movie, having never seen it, strictly for laughs. But I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it's really and engaging movie. Now, it does have its dumb parts, but for the most part I was riveted. The story is simplistic, but this isn't trying to be anything incredible. Once again a film is made which most people just can't appreciate.

Also, I love the weird naked monkey guys.