Blackenstein

In 1972, some genius had the idea of a blaxploitation vampire film, Bram Stoker's legendary vampire Dracula becoming Blacula. It's clever because it rhymes.

The following year, writer/producer Frank R. Saletri tried to get in on the action with a blaxploitation version of Frankenstein called Blackenstein, which isn't such a great title. It's also not a very good film.

Blackenstein sees Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone) paying a visit to her old teacher Dr. Stein (John Hart) in the hope that he will help her fiancé Eddie (Joe De Sue), a Vietnam veteran who has lost all of his limbs in a landmine blast. Using a special DNA serum, Stein transplants new limbs onto Eddie, but his assistant Malcomb (Roosevelt Jackson), who is in love with Winifred, meddles with the treatment, turning Eddie into a violent lumbering monster.

The problem with Blackenstein is that it's not obvious whether director William A. Levey was going for genuine horror or pure camp. If he was aiming for a truly terrifying experience, he fails spectacularly, starting with Stein's hilariously clichéd mad scientist's lab, which is full of flashing lights, bubbling beakers, and crackling electrical equipment that could have come straight out of James Whale's Frankenstein forty years earlier (in fact, the special electronic effects were created by Ken Strickfaden, who also worked on Whale's movie). If he was going for tongue-in-cheek, OTT fun, he doesn't go far enough: much of his film is uneventful and extremely tedious, so much so that the director resorts to throwing in a nightclub act to try and add some pep to proceedings.

With terrible performances, inept gore (limb ripping, spilled guts, a torn out throat), and gratuitous female nudity (four bare breasts, and past-her-prime mobster's girlfriend Liz Renay in a sheer negligee), Blackenstein sounds like fun, but it takes a special kind of horror fan to sit through a film like this without wanting to throw in the towel at some point.

BLACKENSTEIN is a terrible movie and its title wouldn't suggest otherwise. Like ABBY (sort of like a Black version of THE EXORCIST), BLACKENSTEIN has practically no budget whatsoever and the acting is just terrible. Believe it or not, the two Blacula movies aren't that bad--BLACKENSTEIN, however, is abysmally bad--so bad that bad movie fans might (but probably won't) love it. Others with taste, however, won't!

One of the first things you'll notice on the DVD is that the print is really, really bad--though it does get a bit better later. This is because there just isn't much money to be made from this film and adding closed captions or digitally restoring the picture just isn't going to happen! You also will probably notice how odd Los Angeles is in the film. Most nights, there seems to be thunder and lightning and often there is an eerie fog about as well (perhaps this is just smog). Regardless, it's pretty funky weather for sunny Southern California! As for the plot, it's really not like the traditional Frankenstein story. There is no mad scientist and no dead people are reanimated. Instead, a sane researcher and his assistant work to attach dead limbs to living people who lost theirs in accidents. However, instead of working in a hospital, they work in the doctor's home which is more like a castle (in Los Angeles, okay?). Heck, the place even has a dungeon and Frankenstein-like laboratory! The assistant is a young Black lady whose boyfriend lost his limbs in an explosion in Vietnam. While the transplant looks promising, no one realizes that the doctor's evil butler switches the genetic formulas and the poor Black man starts to mutate and become evil. He, of course, goes on some obligatory rampages and since this is a so-called "Blaxploitation" film, you see two ladies' breasts--though it really made no sense at all and was very, very contrived. It's amazing to see how this made no sense at all, but given that NONE of the film makes sense, it's understandable.

So what is to like about the film......well,....nothing really except for the small sequence involving the comedian. One of the jokes, though a bit crude, is funny and he was pretty cute. The acting is purely amateur, the script is amazingly static and dull (something you'd never expect in a horror film--even a bad one) and the sets are cheap and make no sense. It's really too dull for bad movie fans to enjoy and I found myself falling asleep from time to time--it was that unexciting. By contrast, even the very worst Hammer horror film was light years better.

After the huge success of "Blacula", Sam Arkoff made plans for a similar knock-off called "Blackenstein". In the meanwhile, write-producer Frank Salteri decides to beat him to the proverbial punch by taking the Black Frankenstein concept, dashing out something resembling a script, gathering together a considerably less than stellar cast (including ex-mob moll Liz Renay and a couple of 40's has-beens who appear to have needed some extra bucks to pay the phone bill that month), and spending what appears to be about $30, slaps out one of the worst pieces of cinematic drek to have ever played inside the confines of a movie theater. If the wooden acting and laughably inept gore effects don't get you, how about the inappropriate musical and stand-up comedy routines (such as they are), or the long-shot camera work during crucial scenes, or how the title character shuffles about with his arms outstretched, just like every parody of Frankenstein you've ever seen.

For years, Sam Arkoff has taken the blame for this cinematic blunder. Sam: A lot of people owe you a hell of a big apology!!!!

I thought fellow-blaxploitation horror flick "Blacula" (1972) had slipshod production values and was campy, but, wow, it's "Citizen Kane" compared to "Blackenstein." I understand the other IMDb reviews and voters who voted this movie 1/10, a rating I usually reserve for motion pictures that lack even the most basic of technical competence, for which in many ways this one is wanting. But, I found its wretchedness to be amusing.

The story is thin, the plotting repetitive (the monster interrupts three near rapes, Malcolm exchanges way too many creepy glances, and there are far too many lingering exterior shots of Dr. Stein's residence), the science-y stuff is ludicrous. the monster is pathetically slow and his victims hilariously too stupid to just keep running away, or merely walking away at a comfortable pace, and the editing is some of the worst I've ever seen. I wonder if the film was cut for censorship or something during its violent scenes, because the version I saw was extremely choppy. But, the editing is bad all over the place. The cuts to close-ups of Malcolm and Dr. Walker, for instance, which are also poorly directed and acted--I didn't even know what the movie was trying to convey, at first, until Malcolm declared his love for her.

Like "Blacula" and its sequel "Scream Blacula Scream" (1973), "Blackenstein" has at least one nightclub interlude, where we're treated to a stand-up act and some singing. The dog joke, though, as with much of the movie, is bad, although it's not nearly as atrocious as the use of dogs in the film's conclusion. The actor playing Eddie turned the monster has his arms and legs covered by blankets in too obvious of a way during the scenes where he supposedly has no arms and legs. Choppy editing and dark lighting help hide the later makeup job, where he's made to look like a cross between Universal's Frankenstein monsters and a giant Neanderthal. Additionally, "Blackenstein" doesn't deal with anything like the racial issues that elevated the Blacula films beyond mere camp. The semi-mad doctor Stein is white, but there's also a female black doctor assistant. One detective is black, the other white. Race is never really mentioned. And you can forget about there being any intelligent reworking of Mary Shelley's novel.

But, Dr. Stein's lab is fabulous. I have nothing bad to say about it; it's all I could hope for from a low-budget, bad 1970s exploitation monster movie trying to rip-off the 1931 "Frankenstein," complete with pseudoscientific gizmos, beakers that are always burning with bubbling liquids, shadows cast on the walls, flickering lights, spinning things and other nonsense. The film's lingering and repetitive shots and scenes also are put to good use in showing off the space.

In his secret laboratory in his awesome mansion, Dr. Stein (John Hart) has been working on a new formula that rejuvenates tissue and reverses the aging process. Stein is approached by Dr. Winifred Walker (Ivory Stone) for help with her boyfriend, Eddie Turner (Joe De Sue), a Vietnam vet who has returned home minus several appendages.

Soon, mad science kicks into high gear, with machines beeping and buzzing while lightning flashes outside.

BZZZT! ZZZAPPP!

Pumped full of chemicals, Eddie undergoes Stein's "treatment". In no time, Eddie's a new man.

Uh oh!

Stein's monotone assistant, Malcolm (Roosevelt Jackson) is jealous of Eddie and Winifred. Not surprisingly, he messes with Eddie's "treatment", causing unforeseen consequences! Eddie mutates into BLACKENSTEIN! Shambling forth in all new threads, and a head like a fireplug, the monster-formerly-known-as-Eddie sets off on a bloody rampage of limb-tearing / gut-unraveling death! From this point on, no one is safe, and no woman's clothing remains intact, as unnecessary female nudity erupts!

Ludicrous in every way, this "blaxploitation" movie is hyper-schlock in its purest form. Honestly, the only thing of any true quality is the blues music on the soundtrack! Everything else is cinematic malpractice!

EXTRA POINTS FOR: #1- The monster's groovy, two-tone patent leather boots! #2- His incessant grunting! #3- The two police detectives on the case, who look more like a pawn shop owner and a game show host! #4- The "Blackenstein Meets The Doberman Gang" denouement!

Do not miss this must-see marvel of mutton-headed moviemaking!...