Scared Topless

I know female nudity will always attract some level of a male audience, but I had a hard time sitting thru this excuse for boobs and I'm a bit confused why it's so well reviewed.

'Scared Topless' is a drab T&A flick by well known b-movie director Jim Wynorski. Likely filmed in a span of days. Certainly no 500k budget and a long way from this genre's prime in 2015 considering the casts now typically consist of hardcore pornstars. Busty blonde Bridgette B my case in point.

None of that would matter if it's good though. Positive reviews talk of good vibes or a decent story with atmosphere and laughs. I must have missed all that completely. This features the barest of plot, a bunch of horrible dialog, boobs and tame simulated sex scenes.

I'm in no way judging watching stuff like 'Scared Topless', but we don't have to lie to ourselves or others about it's lack of quality. If you want to see beautiful naked women you can do better. Unless all you have access to is cable TV at 3am.

This is my first review but i had to write one in hopes people stay away from this garbage. This movie is awful. I expected a cheesy horror comedy, but instead it's basically a porno with horror elements, and some plot just because why not.

Jim Wynorski's spoof lacks the freshness of his other horror movie parodies like House on Hooter Hill or Bare Wench Project. It has the flavor of "one more picture needed for my contract, so let's fill up the time with nasty sex scenes." Music covers the sound too often. The opening scene would have been much better if it didn't change to a film the characters were watching until it was ending. In fact in 20 percent of this the characters watch a movie or TV show of someone else. Jacqui Holland always seems to look away toward the camera or a corner of the room to show off her face, it's less exciting this time and more of a distraction.

Jim Wynorski used to be famous for making softcore porn and fun T&A adventures back in the 80's and 90's. I dont know if he lost his talent, or just stopped caring, but this movie is awful. Its basically an edited down porno. Theres no real plot and the acting is not funny-bad like in proper softcore pornos. The women here are all regular porn stars and they dont know how to do anything except lay on a bed and fake pleasure. Its a waste of time even if you normally like this sort of thing.

If you're really bored and need entertaining, watch a regular porn movie and then go find one of Wynorskis better films from the mid-90's.

Scared Topless (2015)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

A group of college students agree to go to a haunted mansion with their professor as well as a psychic (Candy Lucas) in order to see if the ghost of a former actress (Jasmine Leo) is really there.

Before watching this film from Jim Wynorski, I had watched another one of his movies on Amazon called LEGEND OF THE NAKED GHOST. As soon as I turned this film on I realize that LEGEND OF THE NAKED GHOST was actually a shortened version of this. That film, appearing on Amazon, clocks in at less than forty-minutes and it's basically missing all of the simulated sex scenes that you can find uncut in this the original version. I'm guessing LEGEND OF THE NAKED GHOST was produced because Amazon didn't want any too naughty.

As far as the film goes, if you're into the sexploitation films that Wynorski makes then there's no question that you're going to enjoy this one. Obviously there's nothing here that is Oscar-worthy but at the same time the film wasn't going for that. This is the type of movie that you watch on places like Showtime at three in the morning and if you don't take it too serious then there's some fun to be had.

As you'd expect, the cast is full of beautiful, big-breasted women just like the director enjoys. Cindy Lucas and Bridgette B. are both very fun in their roles and there's no doubt that all of the nudity is what makes this thing so entertaining. I also really liked Leo in her role of the dead actress but it doesn't seem she continued in the business as her credits pretty much dried up. The entire cast is good enough for this type of film and they are clearly in on the joke of the film.

SCARED TOPLESS isn't a masterpiece but it's good enough for what it is. Which version you watch will be up to you but if you want all of the sex scenes then it's best to go with this one.