Davian_X

Leonard Kirtman's KFI (Kirt Films International) soft- and later hardcore films for Distribpix all seem to follow a similar pattern: generally composed of three scenes, each takes up around a reel, delivering an hour-and-change of desultory bumping and grinding before some bit of inanity inevitably brings the (non-)story to its conclusion.

SPREAD EAGLES follows a pair of stewardesses, Janet and Kitty. Since it would be too much trouble to shoot on a plane (at least until he solved the problem by building his famous plane set several years later!), Len follows them in their off-hours, slipping in a few shots he sneaked at the airport for good measure. We begin with Janet, affecting a French accent that makes her narration nigh-incomprehensible (entire film is MOS, with stream-of-consciousness free-associative babble slathered over, another hallmark of the lowest-tier Distribpix cheapies). She manages to score a decent pickup, handsome military guy Don, and brings him back to her pad for canoodling. As they roll around on the couch, she muses about various sexy adventures she's had on the plane - material that would've made for a far more interesting movie than this one.

Second reel focuses on Kitty, who hooks up with some hippie dimbulb she met at a concert - again, all info we receive via narration as we watch the couple roll around on the same couch. Meanwhile, in the film's most interesting scene, Janet and Don reconvene on a secluded beach, where they strip down, frolic in the surf, and eventually make love in the water. Don strips off his swim trunks to reveal one of the most blazingly contrasting tan lines I've ever witnessed, but the sequence is more memorable for its sweet air of innocence and the joy in the couple's romping - a stark contrast to most of Kirtman's bang-it-out filmo. A still from this scene is memorably used on the poster, so it's clear everyone realized it was a highlight.

You always end with an orgy, so the entire cast of four reconvenes at Kitty & Janet's place for the final reel, where they take turns rolling around in various combinations on the couch and the floor. Film ends abruptly with a stupid downer - a typical bit of half-a**ed "redeeming social value" slapped on without any rhyme or reason, merely a sop to keep the movie from getting busted. As though anyone could have roused the interest to care.

Taboo-busting was all the rage in the early days of hardcore, and, to its credit, DADDY KNOWS BEST (aka "Family Jewels") at least leans into that trend hard. That's probably about the only (debatably) good thing you can say about it, but this storefront flotsam at least distinguishes itself early with its tastelessness.

Film is currently available in at least two versions, a smeary video one from Gourmet and a compromised film-sourced copy from Alpha Blue Archives; an even more truncated version is available from Something Weird under the title "Best Friends," but that's not worth mentioning. As far as completeness, Gourmet is the one to go with, otherwise you'll miss the entire opening scene: sisters Alice Doe and Lynn Holmes trying out a dildo on each other as a makeshift substitute for sibling Tommy, generally the one to take care of the needs of his sisters. High- or lowlight, depending on your taste for the outrageous, is the peeping-prone older sister remarking, "It makes me horny to watch my sister ball my brother."

Seeing as this clan already seems to have a far too literal interpretation of "family relations," it's unsurprising to next find the sisters getting felt up by their creepy dad (Bill Scott) at dinner, which they share with their brother, apparent super-stud Tommy (he just looks like a regular guy). He's planning to go on a hot date, but the girls stay home and retreat to bed after dad falls asleep on the couch. Once the dildo comes back out, however, he barges in, insisting they'd be much more satisfied by a real man - and he's more than happy to oblige. As the sisters protest, he reminds them he's only their stepfather, dropping a bunch of backstory about a divorce and the death of their original dad in Cuba. It's funny to see the film anticipate this modern technique of controversy-skirting, where titles abound with step-fathers and -mothers and -sisters and everything else necessary to get around state issues regarding intra-genetic contact. Nevertheless, the film's already made it explicit that all three blood siblings are sleeping together, so it's unclear what it hopes to accomplish via this weird sop toward decency.

Following the familial menage, we arrive at the film's sole point of entertainment, a minute-long dialogue sequence between the sisters of the most thuddingly leaden variety, wherein they muse about all the joys of incest and how it's far less weird to be screwing their brother than their creepy old adoptive father. After that, a bunch of friends come over, and everyone has a giant orgy in the living room (with one girl, Sibyl, pairing off with dad in the kitchen) that eats up the remaining 30 minutes of the film. A ham-fisted twist in the final seconds abruptly brings things to a close.

There's little to write home about in DADDY KNOWS BEST, aside from the tastelessness of its opening minutes. While some films of the era just arbitrarily throw in a bit of implied incest, or have characters engage in it so casually as to achieve zero impact (the ultimate impression for the audience is that the performers are just actors), DADDY does its best in its opening half to foreground the concept, featuring an entire family where everybody screws everybody. This mostly fades out in the back half, which devolves into the usual bump-and-grind of an early '70s storefront film, so pro forma it acts as a soporific. Some of the cast is reasonably attractive, but the cinematography is so "point-'n'-zoom" (albeit featuring some of the crane-and-jib movements that suggest this uncredited feature might be another James R. Haskin effort) that it renders any potential eroticism moot. As if that weren't enough, a numbing soundtrack of wall-to-wall Muzak should do even the most ardent pervert in before the hour runtime is through. Daddy may know best, but these bungling cineasts could barely manage to hack a movie together without putting the audience to sleep!

Do gay couples have a harder time being faithful? That seems to be the thesis of THE UNSATISFIED, an obscure vintage porn effort with little to write home about beyond a fairly attractive cast for this type of film.

Barebones plot finds boyfriends Jack and Jimmy making love at the outset, in a scene so grindingly long it eats up nearly a third of the hourlong runtime. After curly-haired Jack concludes things by cumming all over Jimmy's back (how romantic), the two get into a quarrel when Jack broaches the idea of opening up their relationship. With Jimmy put out at the suggestion he's "not enough," he leaves, saying he'll be back in one week to reclaim his things - unless Jack decides to reconsider.

Second-guessing a good thing for greener pastures is a familiar porn set-up, found in everything from one-day wonders to glossy big-budget fare like THE TALE OF TIFFANY LUST. It should cue a series of sexual escapades that eventually lead Jack back to fidelity, but for some reason THE UNSATISFIED's creativity fizzles. After fondling himself on the couch for a bit, Jack calls up his friend Jerry (handsome switch-hitter Steve Boyd, credited here as Kenny Parsons), but instead of the two getting together, we just watch Jerry do a solo scene that, while hot, doesn't do much to further Jack's narrative. Ditto a subsequent sequence with couple Bob and Jamie (a pair of unknown one-shots), who come over to console Jack and end up making it on his couch while he watches. Again, this is supposed to be Jack's rumspringa, his hall-pass week to find himself, but he doesn't even get involved! When time comes the following week for Jack to make his decision, the film's got a twist up its sleeve - but it's poorly articulated and lands with a thud, a boring non-end to the non-story that preceded it.

Of small blessing is that the cast is pretty attractive - not all knockouts, but all at least all worthy of being onscreen. Standouts are Mike Anthony as Jack, handsome and with a sexy body to match, and the aforementioned Boyd, whose career spanned both gay and straight pictures before his unfortunate death in the early 2000s. Of greater interest for porn scholars, however, are the behind-the-camera credits, which reveal a number of significant overlaps (director, editor, cameraman, sound) with the mysterious and similarly dour straight SF production TEENANGEL. This is intriguing, as it suggests that mysterious production is likely another of the few straight endeavors helmed by Ray Proca's Wild Goose Productions, credited by name on THE UNSATISFIED (of note is that another Wild Goose straight outing, DUNGEON OF LUST, features this film's Steve Boyd). For porn archeologists, it's little breadcrumbs like these that provide glimmers of interest; for all others, meat-and-potatoes fare like this will live and die by the attractiveness of its cast. By that metric, THE UNSATISFIED succeeds, if just barely.