Crazyfarts

When the Candy Stripers in a small town Hospital are taken over by voracious aliens, they become killing machines hell bent on breeding... playboy playmates Deanna Brooks and Serria Tawan star in this campy-horror feature.

Injured in an out-of-town college basketball game Matt and his team-mates end up in the local hospital. He suffers a broken leg and is placed in traction making him unable to move. Really weird things are happening... the sweet young Candy Stripers are seducing all the men in the hospital, then wrapping them in a hideous web-like substance. Matt realizes he and his friends must escape but after the hospital is put under quarantine they're trapped! Heading for the basement they find a terrifying scene... an alien makeshift maternity ward! Yet another small DTV release desperately seeking attention. Candy Stripers is a borderline film as far as entertainment is concerned, it really is leaning on the edge waiting to be shoved into the zone of regret. The fact that it was a combination of playmates and aliens in a film, the temptation and curiosity was too much for me to pass up. Especially with the voluptuous DVD cover art that the movie possesses.

So to explain this movie, you just need to follow a fairly laid out pattern. Sex scene, sex scene, gore scene, sex scene, gore scene, gore scene, almost a sex scene... wait yes, we get a sex scene, more gore etc. Really, that's pretty much it. Not really a bad thing but it's also not favoring the movie as far as the premise is concerned. As the movie started, I told my wife "It'll probably have a sex scene every five minutes." Lo' and behold... it was like that.

There are some fairly decent gore moments in the film, not surprising but pulled off quite successfully and does not have an over-abundance of poor CGI effects. There is some CG imagery, even though it's not great it's still tolerable especially when comparing to a lot of the other recent direct-to-video horror flicks. It passes the effects test just barely, a fun watch for the gore indeed.

The thing that holds Candy Stripers down is its plot and actors. Neither are worth the time of the day. The plot is tiring, overdone and has no substance. The opening scene is actually one of the worst scenes in the movie and is NOT a good first impression for the viewer, keep watching though... it gradually gets better but loses steam near the end. The two actors in the scene seemed to just be reading their lines and not showing any "real" emotion what-so-ever. Also the fact that they were driving a car that didn't look like it was moving and when it was moving it made them look like they never even passed their driving test.

A good one-time viewing but only for gore fans. If you're looking for anything more than unnecessary sex scenes and gore/violence, you're not going to enjoy this much at all.

Just before Halloween, three kid brothers who are alone in a big house are menaced by three escaped mental patients who have murdered some traveling circus clowns and taken their identities.

This is the movie that kicked up the big stink of director Victor Salva (most notably known for creating and directing the Jeepers Creepers movies) molesting one of the kid actors in this movie and it's the only reason I can think of as to why it was produced on DVD and ready to be sold but was eventually never officially made available to the public though there are are plenty of copies that have leaked out, some are bootlegs/CD-R but many are real. The best thing to do is to not let it hold you back from watching the movie.

Clownhouse is one of Salva's earliest films. It's obviously low-budget, it has some low-class acting though Sam Rockwell managed to break out into some kind of stardom. The acting is probably the worst part of the movie because it's based on the three kids who are left home alone while their parents are out on business or something (I don't remember that detail anymore). These kids do alright but, they're kids. I don't really enjoy watching a bunch of boring, whining kids on screen but at least my interest is peak because there are are psychotic clowns out there trying to kill the lil' boys.

The mental patients who have escaped and dressed up as clowns are for the most part pitiful. The only clown worthy to fear is Cheezo. The really tall clown who obviously has the decent clown make-up, the other clowns look dull and stupid. Luckily enough, Cheezo gets the most screen time.

There's not much violence at all in the film. It's mostly implied violence but when a movie from the 80's is based on kids, they obviously weren't allowed to put axes in their faces and behead them (dang!). There are quite a few chase scenes, mostly boring as long as Cheezo is still around, you're still around... maybe.

Mainly slasher fans will enjoy this one. There's no real slashing but it's got that 80's slasher feel without the gore. It's not too bad.

A bunch of kids at a camp decide to play a prank on Cropsy. The prank goes wrong and scars Cropsy for life with severe burns. Now he's back out of rehab and wants his revenge! Yes, this is the full uncut version being reviewed but I don't see the big deal with the uncut footage. I'm sure the VHS copy I rented here in Australia had the exact same scenes. Yes, the raft scene is ultimately violent and looks very realistic in most aspects but that's about the extent of its violence (except for maybe the hooker scene) and doesn't do much from other slashers considering all other scenes involved.

There are a few young actors in "The Burning" who rose to fame many years later after this film had been released but contributed nothing to their popularity. Those being Jason Alexander (you know, George from Seinfeld) and Holly Hunter (who is hardly in this movie at all and not really worth mentioning). All of the cast give no great performances but do the movie justice for what it's worth. No awards to give here...

I can't say the music is all that enjoyable to listen to either. This may just be me but I hardly ever enjoy 80's music in horror films. It just seems loud and noisy but if you like music in your older horror film, the music here should be nothing to worry about. Tom Savini does a nice job on the gore effects here which don't seem to be all that different from his works on "Friday the 13th" which this film is strangely similar to in style (as is most 80's slashers).

The Cropsy character is an interesting character though gives no evidence of being a mean person before his accident. I wish I knew what he was like before he got burnt but then again, maybe he was a bore and was better off not being showed before the prank. Either way, Cropsy looks rather monster-ish in his one and only film debut. I'd be interested in a sequel if that were to ever happen but most likely never.

Overall, "The Burning" is your standard slasher film that wins points for being one of the earliest 80's slashers and being so daring as to being so violent that the movie was actually banned in many countries. Unfortunately, "The Burning" falls into the "if you've seen one slasher, you've seen them all" category. If you don't like your mindless violence, you're not going to love it...