Aardsy

I'm not one to look down on others' sexual desires, but this movie creeps me out and I find something terribly wrong with anyone who gets a kick out of the sexual relationship in "Private Lessons." Don't get me wrong, I love seeing man-woman sex in movies and I would have killed to have Emmanuelle trying to get in my pants when I was fifteen years-old, but... eww.

I've read "Philly," the Dan Greenburg novel this movie is based on, and it reads like something you would write a junior-high book report on. The only noteworthy thing about `Philly' is how poorly it's written. The plot twists are apparent fifty pages ahead of time, the sex lacks any eroticism and come off as the dark, dirty, twisted fantasies of a sinister old guy, and, inexplicitly, the word "whore" is spelled "hoor." Yet, Jack Barry and Don Enright, the brains behind "The Joker's Wild" and the "21" quiz show scandal felt the need to snap up the rights to this garbage. Sure, it was a box office smash and people have fond memories of it, but keep in mind these same group of people gave us about two dozen "Police Academy" sequels.

Yeah, the original Emmanuelle, Sylvia Kristel, is in the movie. And Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. show up to take advantage of craft services and, oh, they also appear in the movie. Don't for a second let this fool you into thinking that this makes "Private Lessons" worth seeing. Okay, Emmanuelle being in the movie is pretty cool. However, the combined star power of Hesseman and Begley? Please. If opening this weekend was a buddy flick starring Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. where they travel across country in an electric car, you would take that as an opportunity to leave the country. I wouldn't even want them washing my car, electric or not. In their defense, the directing and writing is so bad, the mere fact that they take up physical space in the movie is commendable. And by just standing around holding a tennis racquet in this movie Begley surpasses his Golden-Globe nominated role in "Transylvania 6-5000." Regardless of all this, my point is do not lull yourself into thinking that you want to see these two men act in anything.

Now, back to the dirty sex. "Private Lessons" contains a tour de force performance by the nipples of Sylvia Kristel's body double. These nips should get top billing above the title. Now, I love nipples as much anyone else, but I don't believe there is any good reason why a viewer should be subjected to a scene where three-inch erect nipples are rubbed against the chest of an underdeveloped fifteen year-old boy while Rod Stewart's "You're In My Heart" plays in the background. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and hear screaming, don't worry, that's just me having a nightmare about this scene.

No amount of nudity and sex can make this movie watchable. Plenty of movies have nudity and wacky sex antics, so don't settle for this crap. However, if for some reason, you find yourself fancying the plot, seek out the impossible to find, but far superior `Private Lessons II.' Having seen both you'll realize that Philly is no Ken, Lester is no Oba, Joyce is no Yoko and Sherman is no Koji. There were scenes in "Private Lessons" that I was praying for Koji to show up in. Sure, it makes no sense and there's very little nudity in it, but it's a much better way to spend an hour and a half.

It's been years since I've seen "Kindergarten Cop" and I don't remember very much about it. It's just one of those movies that I've seen a bunch of times without really remember any of its details. As far as I'm concerned, the movie could be a remake of "Big Business" with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Lily Tomlin role--that's how little I remember of it.

But I will tell you this: "Kindergarten Cop" contains one of the greatest moments of cinematic comedy. It's goes a little something like this:

Kid: It's probably a tumor.

Arnold: It's not a tumor!

That's the only thing I remember about the movie, and I don't even know if I quoted those lines correctly. Did Arnold Schwarzenegger know that he was creating comedy gold when he said "tumor" in an exacerbated way? "It's not a tu-ma!" Tu-ma! Tu-ma tu-ma tu-ma! Hah.

"It's not a tumor" falls somewhere between "Here's looking at you, kid" and "Stop looking at me, swan!" as the greatest line ever said in a movie.

I wouldn't recommend renting "Kindergarten Cop." Instead, get together with a bunch of friends, pretend you're all Arnold Schwarzenegger, and spend the evening repeatedly saying "TU-MA! TU-MA! TU-MA!" to each other. It's good clean fun for whole family.

"High Fidelity" is one of the best films of recent memory. The reason? Simply put, "High Fidelity" doesn't insult the audience. In a way, "High Fidelity" is an anti-movie movie. Its positive qualities can best be explained by discussing what its NOT.

Instead of shouting movie cliches at each other, the characters have conversations that feel real. Characters in the film speak with inflection and phrasing that people actually use in real life. When was the last time you found yourself involved in a case of mistaken identity? How about a run in with a pesky dog? An elaborate slapstick bout with the meal you're cooking? These things only happen in movies and they don't happen in this movie. The film is not built around funny scenes, rather great characters. The plot isn't moved forward by awkward plot points (Act 1: "I know CPR!"; Act 3: "Now I can use my CPR!"). One could complain that the film feels long and boring, but that might be because we're more used to movies about crap blowing up than character-driven plots. There are tons of obscure music references in the movie. I didn't get them all and, more importantly, the movie didn't feel it had to bend over backwards to explain the references to me.

Further, any single one of the characters in "High Fidelity" can easily support his or her own film. We might only see them for a few minutes of screen time, but one gets the feeling that there is so much more about these characters than the movie is letting on. It's nice to encounter the rare movie where we only get a seeming slight glimpse into the lives of the characters--that when a scenes ends the characters continue to live fully developed, multi-faceted lives without our having to directly witness it. For example, Joan Cusack has, at most, eight minutes of screen time. Yet we have a complete understanding of who her character is. Tim Robbins even has less screen time and we know him better than we'll ever know his character in "Mission to Mars."

The movie also manages to overcome two movie no-nos: it's an adaptation of a cult hit novel and the main character constantly breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience.

Dealing with the first, its remarkable how faithful the movie is to the Nick Hornby book. Having fond memories of the novel, I did not leave the theater complaining that the movie left out this or the movie changed that. If you liked the book, see the movie. If you liked the movie, read the book.

The second point, John Cusack addressing the audience isn't at all irritating, as one would expect it to be. On "Malcolm in the Middle" I tire of Malcolm's asides after about fifteen seconds. In "High Fidelity," Cusack spends half the movie talking to us and it works. Maybe it's because John Cusack's likeable; maybe it's because we can relate the reality of what he's saying.

"High Fidelity" leans towards the male side of the relationship game, but regardless of one gender, the viewer can find characters and situations that can be related to one's real life. Highly recommended for viewing and reviewing.