augustdragon

Bears about as much resemblance to Dean Koontz's novel as Jessica Simpson does to a rocket scientist. If you've read the book, I suggest you put it as far out of your mind as possible before watching the movie.

Watchers is your typical "Boy meets dog, dog turns out to be super-intelligent government lab experiment, dog and boy are pursued by super-intelligent and emotionally disturbed monster created by same lab, and, oh yeah, did I mention the shady government agents pursuing the monster pursuing the dog?" movie.

Corey Haim is the boy, Barbara Williams is his mother, Michael Ironside is one of the evil government guys, and Sandy the dog is, well, the dog (named Furface here; Einstein in the book).

The monster effects are ridiculously cheesy, much of the dialogue is laughable, the script rarely makes sense or is believable - a good example is Haim's character's unquestioning acceptance of the dog's intelligence, as if every Fido off the street can type messages on a computer keyboard or bark once for yes and twice for no! Hmm, it's gotta be the puppy chow, right? Haim's performance is enthusiastic but shaky, as he carries off the stupid dialogue with the least amount of skill. Ironside has been the highlight of many a bad movie, and this is no exception. He easily gives the best performance of the movie, although I'm compelled to add that the dog (who's a pretty darn good actor himself!) comes in a close second.

All in all, an atrociously dumb movie, and yet . . . And yet I watched it three times within a week. And yet I can't help liking it. Hey, what can I say, I have a taste for junk - and Michael Ironside (not that I've ever actually tasted Michael Ironside- I'm sure there are laws against that). But any movie that can make me laugh that hard (yes, even unintentionally) can't be all bad. Chalk it up to a guilty pleasure, a "yes I know it's insultingly stupid but I like it anyway" movie.

It's tough for me to rate this. On a normal scale I'm forced to give it a D-, but on my own personal cheese scale, it gets bumped up to an A-.

Yeah, I know. I'm weird like that.

Did you know you could get a double agent to confess merely by spending the day correcting his grammar? Neither did I, until I saw this movie.

Douglas McGrath (who also co-wrote and co-directed) is Allen Quimp (yup, rhymes with "wimp"), a nerdy high-school grammar - and sometimes driver's ed - teacher in 1950's America. His over-achieving family think he's a loser and don't understand his all-consuming dream to rid the world of bad grammar. So, one day he tells his father-in-law a little white lie: he's really an agent with the CIA. Pretty soon the whole community knows, including a visiting Russian ballet star (Ryan Phillipe), who wants to defect- to Quimp! One thing leads to another, and the CIA ends up really recruiting Quimp and sending him to Cuba, where he roots out the double agent, becomes involved in several plots to assassinate (or at least humiliate) Castro, and becomes a DJ, playing songs that the CIA take as a coded request to invade the Bay of Pigs.

Never quite "sidesplittingly funny," as the back of the box boasts, but mildly amusing and watchable, with the "mongoose in my shorts" bit being probably the funniest scene in the movie; coming in at a close second is Alan Cumming's rendition of "Diamonds Are a Boy's Best Friend" (don't ask!).

Worth watching mainly for the performances. McGrath is likable as the clueless Quimp; Sigourney Weaver is perfect as Quimp's over-bearing and social-climbing wife. Alan Cumming doesn't seem to have much to do in his scenes, but makes the most of them, amusingly bringing to life his "I-can't-believe-this-guy-was-a-Cuban-dictator" character. John Turturro's character is easily the funniest - an agent who's gone a bit around-the-bend and become a raving lunatic bent on assassinating Fidel Castro- played by Anthony LaPaglia, who wins the "most unlikely casting" prize- which is not to say it wasn't a good choice! Amusing and likable, but never hilarious. This one goes somewhere in the grey area between C+ and B-. (Or two and a quarter stars out of four.)

There are good movies and there are bad movies, and then there are movies so delightfully skewed that the terms "good" and "bad" cease to apply. The Vagrant is of this last variety.

Bill Paxton stars as Graham Krakowski, the epitome of young professionalism, who is buying his first home. On his first day in the new house (although "new" is a misnomer; the kitchen looks as if it was last updated around 1966), he walks in on a vagrant (Marshall Bell) hunched over the kitchen sink. Shortly after, he discovers the vagrant living on the vacant lot across the street. What follows is a paranoiac's nightmare; a hilariously twisted game of cat-and-mouse, with the vagrant testing the limits of Krakowski's sanity. The vagrant does such a good job of driving him crazy that nobody believes Krakowski when he insists the vagrant is out to get him. Especially skeptical is Michael Ironside, playing a dense-as-a-cement-block police lieutenant (with the unlikely name of Ralf Barfuss, no less). When Krakowski calls the police after finding the vagrant in his house eating a sandwich, Barfuss asks (with a sort of gleeful maliciousness), "And what kind of sandwich was this alleged man eating?"

When the murders start, nobody listens to Krakowski, who is convinced the vagrant is to blame. Barfuss is dead-set on nailing Krakowski for the murders, and even Graham's best friend questions his sanity.

This is the first horror movie I've watched where I was sure everything I was laughing at was actually intended to be funny. I knew I was having fun about 15 minutes into the movie, when the following exchange took place -

KRAKOWSKI: Quick, I think he(the vagrant)'s getting ready to urinate!

COP 1: Should we call for back-up?

COP 2: There's no time!

The Vagrant moves along at a pretty good clip, and the story, particularly the second half, plays out like one of the more surreal episodes of Tales from the Crypt. The balance between horror and comedy is a bit uneven, bordering on the ridiculously stupid at times, but still enjoyable. Michael Ironside is great in a rare comedic performance (although a larger role would have been nice); Marshall Bell's vagrant is an over-the-top boogyman who jumps out periodically to scare Bill Paxton; and it's just plain FUN watching Paxton degenerate from an uptight, neurotic yuppie to a scruffy, gun-toting trailer-park manager.

B+ if you're a fan of tongue-in-cheek horror-comedy or the main stars;

C- (or less) if you're a cinematic snob.