Le chien qui valait six milliards

While rummaging thru the old VHS tapes at my local video store I needed one more movie to get the discount along with the 2 others I'd picked. So in my defense Cybermutt only cost me 2 bucks and due to the ongoing heat wave I thought I'd picked a truly great piece of film to spend my Sunday evening. A bionic dog with superpowers! How could I lose? My prediction couldn't have been more off. In my mind I had pictured a dog that could shoot laser beams out of his eyes, pee sulfuric acid and hopefully throw down a mean rap when not out saving the day. Instead Cybermutt can only really run in slow motion and smell jellybeans. Oh yeah and he jumps thru glass windows and chain link fences but only if techno music and jet engine noises are playing in the background.

But at least the makers of this film sparred no expense when it came to the sets and special effects. It really shows when wacky bio-scientist Alex Branson (a self-made gazillionaire as we find out) saves Cybermutt's life with his high tech gadgets. I guess Ikea is the place to shop for cutting edge biotechnology after all.

The acting is wonderful too. I'm Canadian so when a movie is shot in Canada I almost always recognize some actor from Canadian TV or commercials, but for the life of me I didn't recognize anyone but Judd Nelson. The actor who is the restaurant owner is so bad that me and my friend thought he was trying to be Chinese, then Russian, then Italian, then Chinese again, then Mongolian, until finally he starts yelling about Cybermutt eating all of his burritos while standing beside a piñata so we knew now he was supposed to be Mexican.

Anyway Cybermutt was mildly entertaining but only because I found it hit new lows in animal-based hijinks movies (which to be honest I why I got it anyway). But if you under the age of 5 or still wear Velcro shoes I can assure you that Cybermutt won't disappoint you.

So much wasted potential here. Seeing as we're on the dawn of the age of android animals (within 15 years they're be extremely lifelike), I really thought that this would be a great movie to show what they were about. They could have brought up such questions as "is it good that we are replacing real animals with fake ones?" or thoughts about how dependent we are on technology to make us happy.

Instead, about 9/10s of the movie is spent on developing the flat stereotypical characters of a single mother, a boy that hasn't gotten over loss of a parent, some weird science guy that has no social skills yet has "heart", an evil fiance that is gotten rid of by the end, and two weird villains without clear motives other than "money". The dog maybe stars in a few of the scenes, but the future that could have been forecast was thrown down the pooper. Also, the dog was a real dog anyway, just "enhanced". Mindless and stupid.

Dang. I guess I'll have to continue writing my own android animal novel and try to get that turned into a movie...

Catching Cybermutt on TV in a drunken haze turned out to be quite rewarding, as it's one of the most unintentionally hilarious films we've ever seen. With a dog seemingly trapped in overused slow-motion effects, every cliché in the book (dog hero, conveyor belt slowly sending a boy to the blades and of course, the hot mum) and acting so bad there are no known adjectives to describe. They blow the budget on cheap effects so the viewer can really sympathies with the lovable computerised canine.

Contrary to everything we've been saying, we loved it. Rummage around in the bargain bin in every store in every town, somewhere. You'll find it and maybe you'll start seeing things through Cybermutt's cheap, sub-Terminator eyes.

Dan and Mike.

Juliet's tweenager son, Nino, is having a difficult time dealing with the death of his father to cancer. Nino has no friends, except his beloved dog, Rex, and he is being bullied in school, too. One day, when Juliet and Nino are out in a park, walking Rex, they meet a doctor named Alex (Judd Nelson). Alex is testing a robotic contraption and Nino is fascinated. Unexpectedly, a car comes toward them all and Rex jumps to push Dr. Alex out of the way. Rex is very seriously hurt. Dr. Alex insists that he can keep Rex alive and make him better than new, if they take him to his laboratory. Rex, with the help of Alex and his fellow doctor-fiancé, does indeed make it. Nino's retriever now has the most superior powers of a bionic dog. Yet, trouble is brewing. There may be someone out to kidnap Rex. Will Rex be snatched away from the boy who loves him? This is a nice movie for families, especially those who are partial to animal flicks. Nelson is charming as the rumpled but golden-hearted scientist. The rest of the cast is also nice, with Michelle Nolden giving a sweet performance as Juliet. Rex is a lovable and talented dog who will melt hearts as he goes from near death to superdog. The production values and costumes are fine as well. For those who love films that embrace family values, while producing chuckles and excitement, this is a great choice. Children will love the boy and his dog theme while adults will appreciate the quiet love story that emerges, too.

Of all the films Judd Nelson has been in, this is absolutely the worst. Dot com billionaire-animal researcher-surgeon-bionics wiz Nelson, plants a chip in Rex, a golden retriever (the best actor in the film), that can communicate with every other computer chip in the world. Don't ask how, that's too deep for this film. Obviously, bad accented bad guys have to have the chip to control the world.

With the other main characters (single mom, cutesy child, teutonic evil fiancee), you can figure out the story line, where it goes and where it ends. I also haven't seen acting like this since my 6th grade play.

The only good thing I can say about this, is that I got paid to watch it! You have been warned.