Octopus

After a reasonably well executed pre-credits sequence, set during the Cuban missile crisis, in which a Russian submarine carrying a toxic cargo is torpedoed by the US, Octopus takes a steep nose dive into the deep waters of ridiculousness from which it never surfaces.

Jay Harrington plays Roy Turner, an inexperienced CIA agent sent on a mission to escort dangerous international terrorist Casper (Ravil Isyanov) to America via nuclear powered submarine. Of course, the trip doesn't exactly go as planned: Casper frequently slips from his bonds, hoping to somehow escape the sub and rendezvous with his evil pals (who have infiltrated the staff of a nearby ocean liner); and a massive tentacled sea monster, the result of the toxic spill 32 years earlier, seems intent on making a meal out of the sub's crew!

From the moment crazy killer Casper (unconvincingly dressed as an old woman selling pastries) carries out his daring attack on an embassy that has a 'come-and-go-as-you-like' approach to security, this daft film becomes the epitome of clichéd B-movie garbage, offering a raft of stereotypical characters, endless predictable action, and totally nonsensical plot development which will have most sane viewers reaching for the off switch, but which should prove to be reasonably enjoyable fare for fans of low-budget, bottom-shelf, STV dreck!

Bolstered by brilliantly unrestrained performances from a dedicated cast seemingly unfazed by the sheer awfulness of the script, and digital special effects scraped from the very bottom of the barrel, Octopus manages to entertain by being unbelievably dumb: before the inevitable climactic showdown between Roy and the sea creature, viewers are treated to several unconvincing punch-ups, an outstanding(ly bad) display of emotional range from Ricco Ross as brave second-in-command Brickman, sexy Caroline Lowery as a feisty female oceanographer (who looks fab in her scanties!), and the unforgettable sight of a giant octopus tentacle piercing the bad guy and pulling his helicopter into the sea!

Well, I was hoping this was going to be a nice little monster movie... something along the lines of Lake Placid or Komodo, both of which I enjoyed. No such luck. It's burdened down by a tedious "terrorist on board" plot, that places it closer to Turbulence (a movie I loathed) for much of its running time. It also doesn't help that the principle terrorist villain is played by quite the worst actor I've seen in any professional film I can currently recall - his version of passing as an elderly woman to infiltrate a US establishment makes Hulk Hogan look like Laurence Olivier, and his performance as his 'normal' terroristic self consists almost entirely of eye-popping, smirking and grimacing. With many principle scenes depending on this character the whole exercise is pretty much doomed from the word go. It also doesn't help that the director's style seems to be based on the principle "telegraph what's about to occur, then telegraph it again, in case the audience is *really* slow". The special effects are passable... they could have been quite effective given an engaging script, some good acting, and sound direction, but they're hardly enough to carry the movie on their own. Carolyn Lowery as the lone significant female in the cast is consistently good... but she and the creature and the explosions can't save this aquatic turkey.

I'm sorry everyone but when i saw the trailer,i thought the potential was there - even the effects looked good, but to my amusement the movie was another straight to video disaster.The story was bearable,the cast were there for the free parking and the script i think was written by the tea boy on his tea break.On swiftly to the effects which would have given a teenage harryhausen nightmares,judging by the companys cv they have found there market in unintended hilarious monster flicks - but speaking as one chump who bought the dvd before viewing,BEWARE

Ok, now I'm convinced that Hollywood producers get together and dare each other to make movies with randomly selected plot elements. This one would have been:

"Make a movie that combines Turbulence, The Hunt for Red October, Leviathan, Sphere, Speed 2, and Deep Rising."

At least, those were the movies I thought of when I was trying to figure out what this movie was. Add in Down Periscope for some "lone woman on a submarine full of horny guys" humor, and you've already seen this movie.

Okay, this is just as bad as it gets. Let me hit the high points:

1) The main character. This guy has all the courage and charisma of Pee Wee Herman (no offense to Pee Wee). He's a CIA agent, and after seeing a terrorist blow up the embassy he works at, killing all his co-workers, and then killing his best friend, this guy still can't bring himself to shoot the terrorist. He does stand there pointing his gun forever though. Finally he saves the terrorist.

2) The first scene on the submarine. This is a nuclear attack submarine, yet we find the crew, on the bridge, playing strip poker while rap music blares in the background. The captain walks in and - this is what will leave a person speechless - doesn't seem to find this to be out of the ordinary. This also serves to introduce us to the main female character, and makes her seem like a bar whore. Someone addresses her as "Doctor", while at the same time her panties are on a guy's head. A Hooters Girl doing a beer bong would be more convincing as a Ph.D. than this woman. And a lot classier too. I mean, is there actually anyone out there who thinks that nuclear attack subs are run like college frat houses? And is it possible that this same person is allowed to write screenplays? And let's not even get into the fact that the captain of this boat previously had captained another sub, which he ran aground. To penalize him for this, the military gives him the job of...captaining a nuclear attack sub.

3) The idea that terrorists could hijack a cruise ship and then somehow use it to chase a submarine. Are the film makers aware that submarines travel UNDER the water, and can't be detected by any equipment available on a cruise ship? I mean, it's just impossible to fathom the level of stupidity these people have put into this movie.

Overall, I love cheesy B movies, and a few major plot holes don't bother me much. But this thing...what can one even say? You've got an unbelievably, unwatchably horrible male lead, a scummy whore female lead, a bunch of action sequences that are so incomprehensible in their stupidity that it makes a person become nauseous and disoriented, and finally a giant octopus that does all the work of killing the terrorists that the CIA agent was too much of a cowardly putz to accomplish. Hooray for the octopus. Pity the audience.

How in the world do screenplays like this actually get made into movies? I would think this stuff would be passed around from studio to studio and laughed at until the writers left the state in shame, or maybe even left the country. I mean, there are movies made for $100, 000 in Bulgaria that put this thing utterly to shame.