The Turning

Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho...ho HUM.

No, this movie doesn't have anything to do with Christmas; however, I am currently writing this just fresh from the holidays (are those New Year's resolutions forgotten already?), and it was pretty much the Scrooge of my Christmas week, which is when I rented it, unfortunately.

Yes, Gillian Anderson has her infamous/famous (?) topless scene. Yes, this is probably a five day rental at your local Blockbuster. And yes, you'll probably need the whole five days to watch it; one of those "half an hour at a time" movies.

Actually, it's not THAT bad, but it's not that good, either. It could've made a decent drama...MAYBE.

The problem is, it takes place in a small town, where it's typical that nothing happens there...which goes for this movie as well. After being gone for several years, a local finally returns to his mother due to an unsettling incident.

There. That's the plot, pretty much. So as you can see, it's no big deal pretty much just to start with...plus a lot of the mother/son dialog is one to roll your eyes over, and I feel sorry for Karen Allen for being in this. She can actually act, but never became a huge star, as she either has had roles here and there over the years or she's been in a lot of films that didn't make it, like when Brenden Fraser was starting to make his splash in the goofy Encino Man, yet that was already about his 30th movie at the time, and then he got huge with George of the Jungle and the two recent Mummy movies. I hope Allen doesn't have to do any other films like this, but then again, this was made 10 years ago, and I've seen in her Law and Order in the last year or two, so hang in there girl!

About all that had going for this movie (somewhat) was her brightening it up (a tiny bit) by being a part of the sub-plot as a local real estate agent. She's the girlfriend of the returning wanderer's father, and that was The Reason the wandering bum came home: he thinks his wrongdoings from the past can keep his parents from splitting.

Puh-LEAZE! In real life, whenever I hear of an amateur and/or stupid criminals-type bit on the news, most of the time I mumble to myself "probably some dumb kids"...but then sometimes I catch myself and remember when <<I>> was a teenager and hated it whenever people said that about MY type. Sometimes we don't give kids the credit they deserve; in general, they're not that bad.

Six year olds also don't understand why their parents are getting divorced; they think mommy and daddy are separating because of something they did. But if it's explained to them they'll understand in time.

This is one of the problems I had with this movie: this guy is in his, what, 20s or 30s, and he's so brain-dead he can't figure THIS out?! I mean, in a way, I suppose it's kind of sweet, but here it was so unrealistically dumb I didn't buy it.

His mom as an alcoholic, chain-smoking part-time writer was kind of interesting, and yes, Anderson has her topless scene, yes, it's nice, no, it's not for very long, and no, you don't even get to see it all. So if that's the only reason to check out this movie, fast forward it to the 50 or 60 minute mark and skip the rest.

After all, I meant to rent another movie that I hadn't really heard of, with "actresses" I never heard of, but they're showing skin on the cover...so chances are it's a bad movie but with a lot of nudity. Occasionally I rent one of those (I'm a GUY, ok?), but the movie wasn't there. Oh well.

Oh, and what was the Recommendation here? Maybe it was left blank, meaning ANYTHING'S better than this.

Ugh! A play that someone decided needed to be made into a film. Everything is predictable in this movie from the get go. If you have seen at least one "troubled youth comes home" movie then you know what is in store. The movie is a series of confrontations, I guess that's someone's idea of good drama - conflict. To me, it gets old fast. The only thing to recommend is the Virginia scenery but it's nicer to get outside and go see the countryside then to put up with this.

I got this "fine film" on VHS a week ago, and my expectations were sky high. "Yesssss! Gillian naked!", I thought. She looked all hot and ready on the cover. I looked at the back, and it said that she "sheds both her clothes and her inhibitions." Well...

She does both of those things, I guess, but come on...I got a glimpse of a breast her or there for about two-three seconds, but that was it. And she`s in this turkey-flick for about ten minutes! But I gotta say, I have started to like it a little. Gillian plays brilliantly, and I think the accent is really good...and kinda cute on her. The movie is really, really tedious and a big bore, but it`s just that which makes it fun...you know? It`s kinda "camp".

I can imagine this is what it would look like if Ed Wood got to do an episode of "Twin Peaks." Boring, un-interesting conversations which go on and on, set against a small town in the woods, where everybody knows everybody. Maybe Ed would have done a better job than L.A. Puopulo has, though...

The Turning resulted in possibly the most exploitative advertising campaign in video retail history. Released in England during the peak of X-Files popularity, the video cover was a single shot of Gillian Anderson, her hands tentatively grasping her blouse. The implication was clear – it screamed out "this is a film where Scully goes topless."

As it turns out, Anderson, billed fifth, appears for less than eight minutes of the 88-minute running time, sporting a ludicrous "southern" accent. Her exposed breasts, never seen in full anyway, occupy less than ten seconds of screen time. Maybe really sad X-File fans would be satisfied with around half a minute of her bare back.

You might think that this served people right, that it was scores of masturbatory X-File fans getting their just desserts. But I think exploiting people in such a transparent way is very cruel, not to say dishonest. Her minor role, and the fact that her sexuality plays no real part in proceedings, even causes the cover to be questionably within the trade descriptions act.

So what of the film itself? Well, the story centres on Clifford, a character whom I couldn't decide whether he had learning difficulties or was just played that way. I don't mean that remark in bad taste, by the way – he really is portrayed like that. Questions over what kind of person he is are subtly built up by having him wearing a T-shirt with a swastika on it. Just in case you don't get the message, the incidental music helpfully contains a few "hails!" when he talks. That said, Michael Dolan does give a reasonable performance, much better than most of his co-stars, who were surely familiar with the words "TV" and "Movie" being in close proximity.

The dialogue often resorts to platitudes, though is generally inoffensively mediocre. One humorous moment is where Clifford describes "the three of us" (him, his mother and his father) and – whether intentionally or not I do not know – paraphrases Casablanca, with "don't add up to a stack o'cows**t." Humphrey would have been proud.

The adequate direction steals one or two riffs from Deliverance, though fails to build up any sense of tangible menace. The rather so-so domestic tale of a bunch of estranged rednecks; they could easily be guests on the Jerry Springer Show under the title "My Son Is A Nazi". Not bad, not great, this is a film that has "average" written all the way through it. Just one question – why is it called The Turning???

The Turning (L. A. Puopolo, 1992)

If you've actually made the effort to seek out this film, you did so for one reason and one reason only. And nothing I can say will sway you from renting it. But I'll try anyway.

This film, the acting debut of Gillian Anderson, is well-known among connoiseurs as containing Ms. Anderson's only semi-nude scene. Hate to spoil your fun, but the stills you've seen online are digitally-enhanced.

And everything you've heard about how awful the movie is, aside from the thirty seconds or so in question, is completely true. Clifford Harnish, a white separatist Marine (Michael Dolan, a character actor who often plays military types, most recently in TNT's original film The Hunley), comes home after spending four years away. His girlfriend (Anderson) is working as a waitress for her father (who never liked Clifford in the first place, and likes him less so now), his parents (Raymond Barry, who plays Senator Matheson in The X-Files, and Tess Harper, who has a penchant for playing "leading man's wife" in various films) have broken up, and dad is dating the local chanteuse, Glory Lawson (Karen Allen). Everything is predictable; everything is glacial; everyone manages to turn in the worst roles of their careers (and everyone except Anderson had already turned in pretty long careers by this time). Please, for god's sake, avoid this film like the plague. By far the worst thing I've seen this year. (zero stars, of course)