L'Humanoïde

THE HUMANOID is one of the most entertaining movies ever made. Aldo Lado has supplied me with some of the most bizarre and twisted images you could never imagine. You know you're in for a treat when the main character is named Golob, played by a bearded Richard Kiel and he's got a robot-dog in his crappy spaceship. You somehow can't go wrong from there on.

The Tom Tom character is also doing his to make THE HUMANOID one of the ultimate Italian science fiction epics, beware his excellent wisdom. Barbara Bach and the gigantic Kiel was quite the team in the Seventies, and as always she's looking hot in this; "The story of Golob turning Unfriendly and Unstoppable". I love Golob and his dog, I wish to see more of them. Why weren't there any sequels?

Ahhh! The glory of Italian Cinema of the Seventies and Eighties continues. These directors and screenwriters seemed to have no limits in ripping off the Hollywood big-seller. There's still plenty of somewhat obscure masterpieces to be discovered, I'm glad I found this one.

THE HUMANOID tells the story of two brothers of noble titles, one good named the Great Brother; the other evil, who are fighting against each other to become the sole ruler of planet Metropolis. The evil brother Graal (Ivan Rassimov) gets the support of the insane Dr. Kraspin (Arthur Kennedy) to create a new army of invincible soldiers called humanoids. To prove that his chemical invention really works, the doctor tests it on the pilot Golob (Richard Kiel), an unsuspecting human from another planet whose plane happens to land on the deserts of Metropolis. Golob is turned – in a very ridiculous way – into an indestructible soldier that doesn't speak but possesses superhuman strength and lives under the doctor's control. Commanded by the evil Graal, Golob charges into the city where the Great Brother lives to kill him. When Golob's brain-washed mind is neutralized by a little oriental sage living in the city named Tom Tom, he turns side and befriends everyone, including the person he is assigned to kill. Heading back to Graal's headquarter to destroy him, Golob leads his band of new ally. Following a decisive battle that destroys Grall and the doctor, Golob regains his human side and reacquires his speech. With his newly-befriended comrades, he decides to live on the planet, which is then called Earth (no more Metropolis as that's what shown on screen!).

That is not the whole story, there are other characters and subplots that are not worth telling as they do not add anything to the main plot!

THE HUMANOID is a Star Wars copycat and a mega-waste of budget that doesn't have any of the elements that have made Star Wars a timeless classic. Here you see similarities that you see in Star Wars – from vehicles, places to characters: Star Destroyer (even following the exact sequence of how it is shown in Star Wars!), Land Speeder, laser guns that shoot red beams, lots of Darth Vader look-alike (since they are portrayed not only as the leader but also guards), Princess Leia wannabe (she's called Barbara and sexier), a kung fu fighting Luke Skywalker, a robot dog (a substitute for R2D2) and a little oriental Obi-Wan Kenobi! Even the opening sequences mimic those of Star Wars!

Richard Kiel's performance in "The Spy Who Loved Me" and "Moonraker" must have immensely impressed the producers that he was given a similar role here – doesn't speak, just snarls and looks dumb.

This cheesy Italian sci-fi yarn could have been a lot better. Sadly, it lacks the creativity that would have made it into a fun B-movie. The STAR WARS-inspired characters, vehicles, and scenes show lazy film-making. Adding insult to the injury, the plot and directing are as uninspired.

All in all, THE HUMANOID comes mildly recommended and is strictly for lovers of B-movies.

....Which is pretty much the only occasions I'd watch this film.

Honestly, this film is one long collection of laughable clichés. More than Star Crash, and that is a feat of some magnitude.

The incredibly poor special effects. Yes, it was 1979 and this film was a low-budget spaghetti sci fi flick, so I suppose we could forgive it for this. Almost.

The incredibly laughable reuse of models and costumes from other sources which shall remain nameless to protect them from comparison.

The painfully repetitive soundtrack, more like a collection of notes strung together.... I can't believe Ennio Morricone was responsible for it.

The stunning range of Richard Kiel's acting. He must have been getting mightily sick of playing the invincible, monstrous giant by this stage. Normally nobody would play the role better, but his rampage through various faceless soldiers is so stupid as to elicit more laughs than fear.

And then there is Marco Yeh as Tom Tom.... It doesn't come as any surprise to me that this is the only production to feature him listed on IMDb.... At least he didn't have to wear the stupid costume Ivan Rassimov was made to suffer.

But gawd is it funny as hell....

With Aldo Lado (Night Train murders) directing, Antonio Margheretti (Cannibal Apocalypse) on special effects, Enzo Castellari (Bronx Warriors) as second unit director, and a Ennio Morricone soundtrack, you'd think The Humanoid would be the greatest Italian Star Wars rip-off ever made, but you'd be wrong. Because that's Starcrash.

This one seems to be handicapped due to the amount of talent behind the camera. It's all well and good, but where's the insanity? Apart from the last half hour there.

Story wise, we've got Ivan Rassimov (Last Cannibal World) as a guy who bought Darth Vader's helmet at a car boot sale wanting to get revenge on his big brother via Arthur Kennedy (from goat arse licking film The Antichrist), who wants to kills Barbara who is a teacher to Tom Tom, a sat nav provider with psychic powers. Arthur also keeps Barbara Bach (Street Law) alive and she's Ivan's missus or something.

On the good guy side, there's Leonard Mann and Richard Kiel. Now Richard seems to be a good guy with a robot dog when he's got a beard, but when Arthur Kennedy gets a hold of him and removes that beard, Richard gets a bit killy and starts wasting everyone. This goes on for quite a while I'm afraid and I was almost losing patience with the film at this point, but then Tom Tom turns up and who cares...

So eventually the film gets around to the big battle bit at the end which is more enjoyable than what went before it. Loads of explosions, robot arse gravy, decapitations and all that jazz. Look - it's on Youtube. If you like Italian sci-fi (a seemingly random genre for the usually dependant Italians) then just watch it...

Valentino Valentini is named in the credits, but I don't recall seeing him.

Also, Italian cinema is now like watching Dad's Army 20 years ago...it's a case of who's alive and who's not - Not alive in this film as of today - Richard Kiel, Arthur Kennedy, Ivan Rassimov....sigh

I am not sure how they could eve manage to make a STAR WARS cash-in even worse than STAR CRASH... but they did! Aside from the goofy special effects and silly dialog, there's still plenty of other lameness in this flimsy and tired Italian/Israeli STAR WARS ripoff to keep even the most hardened viewer scratching their head with astonishment (when not passed out from sheer tedium).

The "villain" played by Ivan Rassimov has to be one of the biggest pansies I've seen as a cut-rate Darth Vader complete with cut-rate costume. His grand quotes comes on with such banalities as "keep them away from the missile" and "so you have come to battle me at last, princely hero!". He also really cracks the whip around his cronies with the likes of "you failed to kill the girl so you are stripped of your command for 100 days!". Wouldn't most villains kill their own men for disobeying them? No wonder the ragtag group of Leonard Mann, Corrine Clery, Richard Kiel, an Asian boy and a robotic dog destroy his entire army so easily... and his death has to be the lamest ever filmed... "ack, my blue screen is dying!"

Despite its lack of any script or enthusiasm, THE HUMANOID actually had enough budget to afford a dynamite cast, from Arthur Kennedy to Barbara Bach and Massimo Serato. Even better is the crew, featuring some heavy hitters such as veteran director Enzo G. Castellari to handle the action scenes, gore guru Giannetto De Rossi on makeup, special effects wiz Antonio Margheriti on miniatures, and maestro Ennio Morricone on the score. The only problem here really is that all these great people totally phoned it in. This film not only looks cheap, but is a real snoozer, owing largely to Morricone's shockingly awful "sleepy spacey music" which never stops! In what must have been some effort in experimentation, the music has no tune or melody to it; just random sounds as you'd hear on a late-night PBS "Space Tour" in the 1970's.

The only explanation for this film failing so hard to thrill at all has to do with all involved actually being aware at some level how cynical of a cash-grab the whole thing was. Really who hadn't seen STAR WARS at this point, and who here really thought they were making a better (if not even semi-competent) film? Evidently no one.

What a turkey.