L'étalon italien

I heard this was a 'porn' starring Sly Stallone. This stuff is certainly not X-rated, it could probably pass with an R today. No real plot, lots of nudity, but this definitely isn't porn. It's just a bunch of naked bodies rolling around in bed, on the floor, getting high, some spanking, some dancing, all set to a very cheezy disco soundtrack. I cannot even believe how awfully terrible, ridiculous and cheap this movie is. No reason to watch it, unless you just want to see Sly nude and limp. Reportedly, the director tried to blackmail Stallone with this movie for $100,000, and Sly said he wouldn't give them $2. He was right, because it would have been so not worth it, as this film is one of the most uninteresting films ever made.

All right, this is an historical curiosity because it's Sylvester Stallone's first film. Aside from that, it's a Z-grade porn film celebrating misogyny, drug abuse and, of course, promiscuity. If one had to categorize the "plot", it's a character study of Kitty and Stud's relationship to each other. The director tries to elevate the film to art-house level by inserting overlong montages of Stallone's treks through Manhattan and flashes of a very warm-blooded woman wearing boots, a fur coat and a smile in a snow-covered city park. We watched most of the film on scan...and yes, there are multiple shots of Stallone's genitalia, which have proven to be the only lasting allure this film can boast.

Looking at this film today, it's got lot less stuff in it, compare to any late night cable film. The film (ITALIAN STALLION) version seems to be cut (Playboy channel print ran 3 minutes short also, compare to the video print), as the filmmaker tacks in a ROCKY-like theme throught the film. Stallone plays stud, a guy Kitty loves as they throw a party with a bunch of drugged out losers. One guy (who resembles New York character actor Anthony Holland, could it be him?) gets stoned a says a joke about a horse, but the punchline was cut out for some reason. Stallone keep seeing this chick naked out in the New York park, also doesn't make sense. The ending is confusing as they all dance in circles. Stallone should've paid the producers of this film off to get this terrible film removed. I would like to see the original version of this film, for it would've been more interesting to see what they cut out. Not recommended.

Definition of a Z-grade porno in America; if Porno Holocaust didn't do it for you, then neither will this. Yes, Sylvester Stallone is in it, that's really the only reason any of us have seen it save for the few true-blue perverts who just snuck in the theater in the raincoats and fake glasses and noses. It even got retitled to capitalize on Stallone's fame in the late 70s, ironic since they had to cut out a lot of the "graphic sex". Even more pointless when seeing the film unedited - there is a lot of nudity and "fake" sex. And it is so fake, good un-Godly almighty, that it makes late night Cinemax like Hotel Erotica look like the damn Bard! Wow is this some bad sex on film - one can tell the director just said "alright then, just uh, roll around, smoke some weed, camera will roll, I got to go do number two in the bathroom, it'll be a while."

And, sure, there are some moments of hilarity, and not always just because of Stallone's non-half-assed acting... such as at different times his "method" includes a training montage at the kid's playground, getting into a sexual frenzy after his girlfriend Kitty bites his you-know-what and, yes, she gets aroused by him *whipping her with a belt, or Stud's random moments of pre-Rambo "AAH!" anger that at one point gives him a bloody hand which Kitty licks of greedily like a vampire with down syndrome (note, this is not offense to down syndrome sufferers, only vampires). No, what makes Italian Stallion such an ultimate waste of time is that for all of its glorious pockets of celluloid that provide for the right and drunken viewer-ship some of the most potent MST3K possibilities around, there's so much tedium of relentless writhing around naked and dancing for FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT to super-bad 70s music.

It gets by as a horrendous guilty pleasure for about 60% of the time. The rest of it is so bad a porno that it may be justified that it's been off the market until recently. No matter what the temptation out of curiosity, or the minuscule rewards, some shards from the time capsule of a career like Stallone's should stay put in its (however shallow) grave; in extremely small doses its some fun, and all at one it's like getting the brown acid at Woodstock.

ITALIAN STALLION, the video title, is one of the strangest adult films I've ever seen. I don't know if the version I saw was cut (the box said "Hard R Cable Version"), but overall, pretty unerotic.

Sylvester Stallone (the only real reason why anyone would watch this) turns in a pre-fame role as Stud, an Italian muscleman who has sex with his girlfriend Kitty and has a party at his house where lesbianism, anal sex, and orgies abound. Sly is looking pretty good here, better than he would in later years, and anyone looking for him in full nudity should be pleased here. Otherwise, there isn't much else to recommend. The only other male cast member is an unattractive no-name and none of the women are particularly memorable. There's a black stripper, a lesbian scene (overlong and boring), the 2nd man and his girlfriend have anal sex, and finally, the orgy that lasts FOREVER! This orgy scene only picks up when the camera is on Sly; otherwise, is not very erotic. Other unbelievable scenes: Sly flexes his muscles in a mirror while watching a lesbian scene, a woman flashes Sly in the park, Sly rapes Kitty after she slaps him, and the film ends with Sly slapping Kitty.

Under 60 minutes long, very cheaply done, and not very stimulating outside of Sly's scenes, ITALIAN STALLION is only recommended for those seeking out celebrity porn and no one else.