Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent

I'd give Lockjaw 1 star purely because IMDb will not allow me to rate it any lower. 1 star is being extremely generous. The whole film is terrible with wooden acting throughout, at times it's too painful for words. In addition you have to endure the lack of continuity that runs from beginning to end. As if the horrendous special effects don't make it unbelievable enough.

I would seriously not recommend this film if time is remotely precious to you. It's an hour you'll never get back and will leave you questioning why on earth it ever made it to DVD. It cost £7 here in the UK which is absolutely shocking. I like cheesy horror films that manage to be awful but good at the same time. This can't even claim to be that, it is just genuinely one of the most ridiculously dire films I have ever seen.

As a child, Alan Cade steals a wooden voodoo box containing a magical pen that has the power to make whatever is drawn with it become a reality; years later, when a monster truck accidentally runs down his wife Becky, Alan uses the pen to summon a monster to seek revenge on the occupants of the vehicle, five friends partying at a nearby cabin.

Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent (AKA Carnivorous) is a derivative straight-to-DVD piece of garbage that rips off its basic revenge plot from enjoyable straight-to-video 80s horror Pumpkinhead. But where Pumpkinhead proved to be a fun creature-feature thanks to solid direction from FX legend Stan Winston, a very cool monster (also by Winston), and a decent performance from seasoned pro Lance Henrickson, Carnivorous simply elicits boredom and unintentional laughter in equal measures with its uninspired script, inexperienced cast, and truly crappy beast—an over-sized, poorly rendered CGI snake with an alligator's head.

Opening with an embarrassingly naff credits sequence, complete with cheesy lightning effects and statues with glowing red eyes, Carnivorous does not bode well from the outset, and matters only get worse from thereon in: director Amir Valinia sets up the film's back-story in an awful prologue that displays a complete lack of talent from its child actors (while also showcasing a neat array of dollar store Halloween props), before cutting to the present day, where he introduces viewers to his equally untalented adult cast, a bunch of total unknowns who are likely to remain that way if this is the kind of bilge they choose to appear in.

After some predictably dumb drunken shenanigans at the cabin, during which sexist jerk Kurt (Caleb Michaelson) gets a lap-dance from drunken big-breasted slapper Ashley (Victoria Vodar), Kurt's nice-girl girlfriend Sam (Lauren Fain) seeks comfort in the arms of good-guy Kelly (Wes Brown), and Ashley has sex with her boyfriend (but annoyingly keeps her bra on the whole time), the creature finally moves in for the kill. Several unimpressive death scenes later, ex-rapper DMX turns up with a rocket launcher and blows the 'snakigator' to kingdom come, finally putting an end to our suffering.

I guess I'm the only person here who enjoyed "Carnivorous," also titled "Lockjaw: The Curse of the Kulev Serpent." Not that it was great or even really good but it delivered pretty well as an entertaining Grade-B creature-on-the-loose flick in the "Friday the 13th" mold (Jason was definitely an infernal creature btw or he at least became one as the series progressed).

THE PLOT: A serpent-with-an-alligator-head is released in rural Louisianna via a Voodoo pen that's formed into a serpent/alligator with red glowing eyes. This is unique, but the main plot is the same as most creature features based on "Friday the 13th": A group of youths go out to the boonies to party while the creature takes 'em out one by one. The kids who have sex die, the ones who don't live. So, although the way the monster is released is original (and nigh incomprehensible), the main story is standard.

I should also point out that rapper DMX appears as a black Rambo-type, but it's not a significant role until the 3rd act.

You'll note that everyone else here only gives the film a very low rating so they all obviously think it's a total piece of excrement. However, despite this being a low-budget monster flick it delivered quite well in a handful of requisite areas:

• The film was shot in the cane fields of rural Louisianna; any time you get a modern flick of this ilk shot anywhere other than B.C. Canada it's a plus.

• Most here comment on how unlikable the youths are, but they act precisely as youths would act on vacation at a party cabin in the sticks. Most of us acted this way when we were that age, at parties anyway. Regardless, at least two or three of them aren't obnoxious in any way that I can detect.

• The heroine of the tale, Lauren fain who plays Sam, is good. She's not ultra-sexy or anything but she's likable with a uniquely pretty face.

• Victoria Vodar, who plays Ashley, is the sexpot in requisite skimpy attire. She has a dance sequence that's worth the price of admission. One reviewer referred to this sequence as "exceptionally poor;" all I can say is he has no eye for exceptionally gorgeous women or tantalizing dance sequences.

• The first half of the film highlights a married couple (Louis Herthum & Debra Arnott) who genuinely love each other and clearly show it. This is so rare today, particularly in these types of films, that when you observe it it's not only pleasant, it's actually shocking.

• The CGI creature isn't seen too often but it's serviceable, if not remarkable.

WHAT DOESN'T WORK:

• As noted above, some aspects of the plot concerning the voodoo creature are nigh incomprehensible, but you'll get the gist of it. (What I was wondering is: What if the person with the occultic pen drew something other than a big serpent-creature killing the people? Would the curse still work or does s/he HAVE to draw a serpent-like creature? If so, how did the little boy at the beginning acquire this knowledge?).

• The film's not all that compelling; the storytelling could have been better.

• The absolute worst part of this picture is the hit-and-run scene where the kids hit a woman in their vehicle IN BROAD DAYLIGHT and NOT ONE OF THEM EVEN NOTICES! They dismiss it as possibly hitting an animal or something. Why sure! This sequence is so bad that there's no way I could possibly give the film anything above 5/10 Stars (for what it is) in good conscience.

The film runs a short-but-sweet 76 minutes.

BOTTOM LINE: With the exception of the lame hit-and-run sequence the film delivers pretty well as a fun low-budget creature-on-the-loose flick, nicely shot in the cane fields of Louisianna. Lauren Fain is a solid heroine with a uniquely attractive face and Victoria Vodar's awe-inducing scenes are worth the price of admission.

GRADE: C+

Another CGI monstrosity taking the form of a dodgy monster movie. These films tend to be interchangeable from one another and that's the case in point here, it's the kind of film you'll forget you watched just hours after viewing because it brings absolutely nothing new to the table.

Instead, the viewer is saddled with rotten characters, an awful script and of course the requisite CGI gore effects which have to be seen to be believed. The story involves some half-baked voodoo theme in which a grieving husband decides to get revenge on some pesky teenagers by summoning a 'Kulev serpent' to get revenge. Said serpent has the body of a giant snake and the head of an alligator and looks like something out of an old Playstation game circa 1998.

If that wasn't bad enough, the characters in the film are even more annoying than usual, with characterisation reduced down to the level of a comic book. One supposedly intelligent character has glasses, that's how carefully the characters have been created. Inevitably the cast is full of unknowns - I should think so, given the horrible acting on offer - aside from the down-on-his-luck DMX, playing some kind of big game hunter living out in the wilderness. Another movie to stay away from.

well nobody will ever read this review, but WOW worst movie ever! This film might be studied by archaeologists in the far distant future. It would serve humanity right for it even being possible to finance this "film."

The most vapid bunch of frat boys and their bowhead cohorts I have ever seen disgrace celluloid. You can feel the stupidity bubbling from the swamp it is set in up through the "actors" and right on up to (hopefully) the ruined careers of the director and producer.

The subplot involves a man whose wife is killed in a hit and run accident by the idiot cast. He finds them to exact revenge, but 10 minutes later one of the sorority girls is yelling at him because he is bumming her out by not being overly concerned about his wife's killers being bumped off one by one.

Everyone involved in this travesty really needs a giant snake to eat them to make sure they can never again waste the money that a film student with any talent at all could have used better