Medio muerto

Sometime in the near future that island in San Francisco Bay is being used for what God intended, a federal prison once again. But now it's a high tech new and improved Alcatraz with Tony Plana as the warden. It's still an unbreakable no escape facility, but no one ever counts on someone breaking into prison.

Which is what Morris Chestnut, Nia Peeples and an assorted gang of body armored thugs do when hijacker Bruce Weitz is about to be executed. It seems that Weitz who has cleaned up quite a bit since he portrayed Detective Mick Belker on Hill Street Blues, has gone and buried a small fortune in gold bullion which he robbed back in the day resulting in several Treasury agents being killed. Which is why Weitz is on death row.

But Chestnut's helicopter which is his escape route crashes in a blinding rainstorm, we get a hostage situation which also involves a Supreme Court Justice in the person of Linda Thorson. Back before she got to the high court, Thorson was the judge who tried and sentenced Weitz and she's there as a witness to the execution that gets delayed.

Fortunately for all concerned Steven Segall is in the joint with his criminal buddy Ja Rule and he organizes the cons to resist.

People who go to see Steven Segall movies go for the action and violence and not a coherent and realistic plot. The action is plenty as Segall goes through the film in a style that makes Sylvester Stallone look like John Barrymore.

If that's what your taste in film is, go for it.

Maybe it was my low expectation, maybe it was the fact that I went looking for a cheesy action flick, maybe I was partially dehydrated from strep throat, or perhaps all of the above. I enjoyed Half Past Dead, and I'm glad I rented it. Will it join the ranks of my DVD collection? Hell no. But I did enjoy the rental.

That's not to say Half Past Dead did not bother me. First and foremost, my feelings for most contemporary music (rap, metal, rock, country, etc) artists range from mild appreciation to utter disgust for reasons that belong in another review, in another discussion. The music that a number of action sequences were cut to was from said contemporary music, more specifically, from the "disgust" portion of the spectrum. Thus, I was tempted to play the action sequences in mute.

Also, I was disappointed to see Nia Peeples kick the crap out of Ja-Rule only to be put down with one punch (?!) and then throw in a typical villain's anti-climactic death. But there I go with my own expectations, thinking for some silly reason that someone who can dish out punishment should be able to take it . . . that and my desire to see rappers in films die.

Finally, the hostage switch towards the end of the film . . . okay, this is a Steven Seagal action film. I'm willing to accept a lot of BS for the sake of an action film. BS such as choosing the single dumbest, most vulnerable, position for the coming gunfight; Nia's makeup and outfit; the chain fight; Ja Rule's constant winking; the storyline with the Sasha character . . . but the cheap surprise with the judge so the filmmakers can pat themselves on the back and say, "We fooled the audience" is pushing me over the line.

But, yeah, there were mindless fist fights, there were mindless gunfights, there were mindless explosions, chases, a plot that's just an excuse to bridge said sequences together, and no real ambition to go any further – everything I was expecting when I picked it up for the rental.

What can I say, though? It was fun watching Steven start a fight with prison guards more or less because he can. It was a blast watching Nia in her oddball makeup beat the living crap out of Ja Rule (why, oh why, didn't she get to kill him?). I found it hilarious that these prisoners were so eager to defend their prison so they can serve the rest of their sentence in peace and quiet. And wow, how great was it seeing Steven and Ja Rule prepare for a confrontation by trapping themselves in the exposed cockpit of a crashed helicopter that's up in the rafters with no way to get down? Shooting missiles down with the helicopters guns was the icing on this outrageous cake of disbelief.

They say timing is everything; this also applies to when one sees a movie and how much they enjoy it. I consciously watched Half Past Dead full well knowing I've hated other films for less, but still got a kick out of what I observed on the screen. Which provokes an interesting thought: between timing (including state of mind/mood) and expectations, both of which heavily influence a critics opinion, how much room is there for "objective" reviews? I'm glad I've never claimed to be an objective critic.

Two rules to go by are: Movies made by Franchise Pictures, or distributed by Screen Gems, are movies to avoid. This movie was made by Franchise Pictures AND distributed by Screen Gems! Not only that, but it has Steven Seagal - it's hard to believe that ten years or so ago he was doing so well. It's a shock to see him here, with a puffy face (and torso) and his hair looking lighter. Not surprisingly, his fight scenes are directed with quick cuts and simple martial arts movies that even an amateur could pull off. He seems very disinterested by what's happening, even a little out of it. He shouldn't be surprised that it's his career that's half past dead.

The director, Don Michael Paul, seems to have no ability to direct an action scene, martial art OR weapon-oriented. He uses annoying techniques like slow-motion or fast-motion to try and be "edgy", I guess. He also has problems telling a story, with some notable gaps that filled would have made some plot points more clear. He was working with a tight budget, which explains some things like numerous close-ups and somewhat impoverished sets. (Plus outdoor locations that clearly aren't in the United States, even though the movie is supposed to be taking place there.) Still, the movie moves along with nary a slow spot, and as problem-filled as it is, it's slicker and less annoying than Seagal movies like TICKER and THE FOREIGNER.

Steven Seagal, who has a proud history of creating some of the most realistic and exciting fight scenes in his past work is completely wasted in this movie. The money must have been good, because I don't see what else would have persuaded him to appear in it. What we have is a shallow excuse to feature some rappers on film. The script is abominable. Everything is contrived, superficial and artificial. The director seems confused about whether or not he is making a music video or an actual film. A lot of posing, unrealistically choreographed fight scenes, a lot of mindless shooting at walls. I was reminded of those ludicrous gunfights in the A Team, in which about 2,000 bullets are fired and nobody gets killed. The background music (if you can call it that) is loud and irritating. And the chief villain, boringly and predictably bumped off only at the end, displays the character development of a robot. I would have had him shot first just to ease the overall irritation of the film. Bad, bad, bad. The only reason I watched it was in the forlorn hope that Steven Seagal could do something to save it, but that was beyond even him. Stick with what you're good at, big guy, and don't appear in any more rap videos.

Oh dear! What can I say about Half Past Dead? I was really disappointed in it. I was thinking....A Steven Seagal movie! Cool! We'll get to see him kick people and flip people and break bones. We might even get to see him have a stick fight with somebody! Excellent!

However, I was in for a rude awakening. This film can be summed up as follows:

Take an episode of the A-Team, remove the lovable and roguish characters such as Murdoch, Hannibal, Mr T and Face. Then get a writer/director to pen a plot even Ed Wood would be ashamed of and who's too big a fan of The Matrix and John Woo movies for his own good. Throw in a bunch of people with really bad acting ability and who don't have real names. Finally, add in a main star who's getting saggy around the midriff and doesn't appear to be able to do his own stunts anymore.

The result? Half Past Dead. An action movie so ridiculous that it at least made me smile right the way through. The plot holes are stupendously, glaringly large - for example, prisoners who, when the jail is invaded, fight the invaders rather than attempting to escape. Or how about the prison itself, which has an armoury that contains heavy machineguns and rocket-propelled grenade launchers? You also have a helicopter (bearing a striking resemblance to a Huey) with some kind of video game machinegun mounted in the nose.

Then there's Seagal himself. I like the guy. He CAN fight. He's even witty in a way that Jean-Claude Van Damme will never be. But all through the movie I kept hoping for that one great, defining fight scene. Never happened. Instead we got people firing guns a lot and not hitting a whole Hell of a lot. I mean, when someone runs down a narrow corridor and you fire a sub-machinegun at them, there isn't a whole lot of places the bullets can go other than down the corridor and into the target. Yet somehow they miss? Even the A-Team would cringe at this foolishness. And then when it gets to any kind of one-on-one physical stuff, we get treated to a shabby Matrix rip-off, without the benefit of bullet-time. People getting kicked twenty feet through the air and sundry other ludicrous acrobatic nonsense.

C'mon Steven, you're better than this. Your career can't be over. Say it ain't so!

This is instantly forgettable (except I'm forcing myself to remember for the purposes of this review) and if you watch it, try to find it amusing in an A-Team kind of way. But I doubt it'll be high on anyone's "re-watchable" list. Out for Justice this ain't. More like Out to Lunch.