Samurai Cop

Writing this comment is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The magnitude of this movie cannot be defined. It has it all: Japanese/Mexican Crime Lord with Mullet? Check. Guy who dies 4 different times because they didn't know enough people who wanted to be in this movie? Check. Random nurse scene with even more random clips of black partner's facial responses to nurse's comments about size of samurai cop's "sword"? Yes, that too is in it. Basically, if you ever saw a terrifically bad movie, and liked it, you will bow down to the awesome power of Amir Shervan's cinematic genius.

Smaurai Cop spares no expense. It gives you what you really want: Boobs, Racial Comments, Excessive Groping of Handgun by a Lacky, Fight scene with obvious continuity issues, Pimp Van in fast motion chase scene, Disturbingly Effeminate Waiter, 4 different samurai wigs, Matt Hannon acting, and too many other priceless moments to recount.

I am not sure how Amir got Robert Z'Dar and Gerald Okamura on this film (considering their "star power"), but thank God he did. This movie does not get the credit it deserves. It is one of cinema's greatest gems and should be recognized as such. Please, if you have watched this movie, and loved it, comment now!

After I finished watching Samurai Cop, I sat in silent disbelief for a few moments not really knowing what to think. I decided that I had either just watched one of the absolutely worst movies ever made or I had watched a piece of satirical brilliance that my puny mind couldn't fully comprehend. After doing a little research, I realize that my first notion was correct - it's bad. However, as bad as Samurai Cop is, that doesn't change the fact that I was entertained. If you do an internet search for a movie that's "so bad, it's good" (God, do I hate that phrase), a picture of Samurai Cop should immediately pop-up on your screen. It is the embodiment of what a "so bad, it's good" movie is.

So just how bad is Samurai Cop? Everything about the movie shows a level indescribable incompetence. Technically, the movie is a train wreck. The direction is horrible, there is a complete lack of continuity, my 5 year-old could have done better with the sound editing and effects, lighting is literally non-existent, and visual effects are incredibly poor. Artistically, the movie isn't any better. Sets, costuming, music, and make-up are all bargain basement. As for the acting - when Robert Z'Dar stands head-and- shoulders above the other actors talent-wise, that speaks volumes about the quality of the acting. I won't go into the full backstory of how the movie was made, but it does explain a lot and is worth reading for a laugh or two.

I haven't even mentioned the plot because it really doesn't matter. It has something to do with a Japanese gang that controls the drug trade in Los Angeles and the police that are trying to put them out of business. In reality, the plot is about a gang of bad guys and the cops that routinely shoot them. That's about it. With a name like Samurai Cop, I expected to see some martial arts type action with a lot of hand-to-hand fighting. But alas, this Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner are much more at home shooting the baddies. The one or two actual fight scenes are (as you probably could guess by now) poorly choreographed messes.

As bad as it all is, the whole thing is just so funny it's hard not to find entertainment in what you're watching. For example, there a scene where Samurai Cop and his trigger happy partner go visit a burn victim to get some information. This man is wrapped head-to- toe in bleeding bandages. What does our hero do? Standing about four feet from the hospital bed, he hits up the nurse with some of the most inappropriate, cringe-worthy dialogue ever heard. It's literally laugh-out-loud funny. Another example of incompetent brilliance occurs when Robert Z'Dar's character, Yamashita (yes, Robert Z'Dar plays a character named Yamashita), throws a grenade that we inexplicably and hysterically hear explode twice. One grenade - two explosions. Funny stuff. And just when you think the movie has hit a low point and can't get any more absurd, somehow it does. Samurai Cop keeps giving.

Realistically, Samurai Cop is a complete disaster of a movie. If you rated it as a serious action film, you'd have to give it a 1/10. However, it is unintentionally one of the funnier movies I've seen in awhile. As a comedy piece, I'd rate it an 8/10. Averaging the two ratings together and rounding up, I'm giving Samurai Cop an overall 5/10. If you're into "bad" movies, this one is not to be missed.

Joe Marshall (goofy beefcake actor Matt Hannon) is a detective trained in the ways of the samurai, and together with his affable partner Frank Washington (Mark Frazer), he goes after the many goons and thugs working for big time Japanese mobster Mr. Fujiyama.

That's about it for plot in this knowingly cheesy, sloppy, and silly martial arts action movie mess, written and directed by Amir Shervan. Obviously he knew exactly what kind of movie he was making, and just had fun with it. Often, "Samurai Cop" offers plenty of bad movie charm, as it clunks along from one inept sequence to another. The acting is hilariously, endearingly dumb across the board, with Hannon as one majorly wooden hero. Frazer has many great facial reactions. The ladies present are delicious eye candy: Melissa Moore as horny cop Peggy, Jannis Farley as leading lady Jennifer, and Krista Lane as a henchwoman. Robert Z'Dar is great fun as Yamashita, the primary henchman.

Marshall dispenses with inept bad guys left, right and centre; ultimately, the movie isn't always terribly funny, and gets a little tiresome, but it's still amusing enough to make it pleasant if not uproarious fare. It could have used some better pacing, but still delivers enough laughs for those B cinema enthusiasts looking to have a night of bad movies and beers.

Six out of 10.

It is so bad that I couldn't stop laughing the whole time while watching this. Acting was brutal, dialogue seems Cheesy, and a bit both racist and sexist. Story was filled with plot-holes and inconsistency. Most funniest scenes were the action sequences. I just kept LMAO when the action sequences were playing. Editing and cutting was awful. A single fight scene was taken in 3 different locations. On another scene, wig came off of the main character, and it was clearly visible. Color correction was bad. Screen was getting tinted with blue, purple and pink randomly. All the woman in this film seems like acting in a porn movie. They couldn't hold on to their pants for 5 minutes, after meeting with the main protagonist!!!! In every romantic scene, It felt like watching an Adult movie! Jokes were terrible and funny in the wrong way. Every film maker should watch this film to learn 'how a film shouldn't be made, ever'!

Second viewing of this trash epic confirms that my initial 10/10 was anything but unwarranted. You know you're getting awfully close to the absolute nadir of b-movie cinema, to that horrifying point of no return beyond all shame and therefore beyond reproach, when your name is Amir Shervan and you go on to follow up your cheapo Lethal Weapon cash-in called 'Hollywood Cop' with a cash-in on Maniac Cop by casting Robert Z'dar in a movie called 'Samurai Cop', a no-budget action crime flick where Z'dar is neither samurai nor cop (not even a maniac for that matter), where even protagonist Matt Hannon, actor in the broadest sense of the term, looks more like a poolboy instead of a samurai. Of course when you make an entire movie for no other reason than to cash-in on the larger-than-frame persona of an actor who made a career playing such refined characters as Igor, Mongoose, Brutis, Cobra Khan, Bongo and of course let's not forget the aptly descriptive Face (!) in Tango and Cash, it's not so much a question of good or bad, but whether it's going to be "this makes even Battlefield Earth seem watchable" bad or "break out the beers - Lady Terminator" bad.

Thankfully you don't need to get any further than the opening 15 minutes to know the answer to the above question; a staggeringly amazing prologue of b-movie awesomeness which, among other things, serves to introduce the Katana Gang, which counts within its ranks a red-haired chick whose entire contribution to the gang is announcing the entrance of the boss ("The boss is here"), the samurai cop and his mandatory black sidekick indulging in a little sex talk with the blonde helicopter operator bimbette in the middle of a drug bust, sped-up chases followed by amazing dialogue ("shoot", "faster", "shoot", "go faster") and a sex scene with underwear on (hey, it's low budget) between blonde bimbette and lovable hunk Matt Hannon.

What else do you need? Have you ever wondered what the real samurai code is (a real samurai always gets his weapon from his Katana Gang henchman)? Did you always want to know what is the mandatory hairstyle all Katana Gang henchmen ought to keep at all times (a mullet)? Did you always complain to anyone who'd listen that cinema doesn't have enough gay Costa rican waiters cracking jokes about suicide? Were you always itching to see security guards calling for security? The Katana Gang red-haired chick enriching world culture with the line "I'm going to change the trash" (!!)? Everyone in the movie getting sliced up while Matt Hannon is too busy canoodling another bimbo in a pool? Nurses randomly asking Matt Hannon if he wants to have sex with them, then belittling him for his circumcised penis? Matt Hannon pondering on whether he should make the arrest during or after the suspect has finished having sex, finally making his mind only to be stopped by a sliding door (!!!)? A beach house transforming into a house in the suburbs between takes? Well, here's your chance.

Yes, just break out the beers. I've seen quite a few no-budget schlockfests in my time but Samurai Cop stands tall among such venerable classics as Werewolf, Timechasers and American Commando - Angel's Blood Mission 2 as one of the most triumphant displays of unintentionally hilarious genius. See this if you're cool.