La galería del terror

See, there are these twelve Neon Maniacs who live under the Golden Gate bridge and come out at night to kill people. No reason really, they just do. Natalie (Leilani Sarelle) sees all of her partying friends offed by this gnarly group but no one will believe her because the only thing left at the scene of the crime is some neon goo. Insert Steven (Alan Hayes), a fellow high school student who has the hots for Natalie, and Paula (Donna Locke), a young horror obsessed tomboy, to form a trio of folks who the cops won't listen to.

This NEON MANIACS madness is really something and plays with the same logic of the home movies I made when I was a 12-year-old. Sad when you realize director Joseph Mangine was in his 50s when he made this. We never get any history on the titular creatures or learn why they are so intent on tracking our leads. But we do know they melt when water gets on them (you listening M. Night?). I guess you could get away with stuff like this in the 80s if you throw some slime around, which this film does plenty of. Probably the only film in the history of cinema to have the heroes discussing ways to off the monsters and one says, "Hey, isn't the battle of the bands tonight? We can do it there!" Insert two dueling bands (new wave vs. heavy metal) duking it out while the Maniacs converge on the school. The film ends with the hope of a NEON MANIACS II and I'm still, like, totally waiting.

A group of teenagers in San Francisco are attacked by homicidal monsters living under the Golden Gate Bridge and set out to prove they are real.

Despite its faults, logic, editing, pace and such director Joseph Mangine's ambitious Neon Maniacs counter balances its short comings. Larry Odien, Allan A. Apone and Douglas J. White's make up and practical effects are surprisingly good and the period music score is creatively ominous. To Neon's credit Mangines creates some jump moments notably the bus scene.

Paula played by actress Donna Locke (who has disappeared off the planet) has a cute Goonie appeal. Leilani Sarelle's Natalie is a solid lead and not surprisingly went on to do bigger thing. The rest of the cast give typical 80s low budget hammy performances.

In retrospect writers Mark Patrick Carducci's ambiguous origins of the Neon Maniacs adds to the films appeal and although uneven with more style over substance it deserves it cult status if only for the 80's nostalgia, it's monsters 'cool' factor and surreal atmosphere.

Do you ever hanker after a piece of disposable 80's horror? I know I do and Neon Maniacs was perfect for that. The story is that a girl sees all her friends brutally murdered by the neon maniacs and the maniacs start appearing trying to kill her. She doesn't let it interfere with getting a tan or going to the battle of the bands though.

It's hard to know what the maniacs themselves are supposed to be but possibly think Hellraiser's Cenobites but without the effects and instead with a bit of carpet stuck to their heads.

There's an 80's battle of the bands (both bands are naturally abysmal), an attractive female lead and some mild monster mayhem. What more could you ask for from an 80's horror flick? An actual ending would be nice I suppose but you can't have it all.

Definitely worth a watch though if you're in the right mood.

Beware! The gates of Heck have been thrown open, unleashing the NEON MANIACS!

Virtually immortal and unstoppable, these freakish creatures are immune to anything that might be used against them. Except for one rare and mysterious chemical known as...

H-2-O!

If only there was some of this stuff around they could be thwarted, but nay! If only someone had a squirt gun, or a bucket, or a damp sponge!

Instead, these maniacs shall conquer the globe!

Thankfully, three teens are on the case, including a horror-obsessed girl who tracks the monsters to their lair. Under a bridge. Feet away from a bay. Full of H-2-O!

If you've been pining away for the 1980's, here they are in all their glory! The clothes! The hair! The overly-sterile production values! All here!

WARNING: Nothing can possibly prepare you for the brain-evaporating "Battle of the Bands" sequence! Nothing! It's so wretchedly inept as to cause boils and cranial bruising in the viewer!

On a positive note, the maniac masks are pretty cool. If only this movie had given them a good reason to wear them...

As bad films go, this one's pretty enjoyable.

Anchor Bay, not long ago, released a wonderful widescreen DVD of NEON MANIACS. But you can also enjoy this on tape, because VHS copies are still floating around at used video stores. And perhaps an old VHS tape might be better for generating that 80's feeling...

This is the infamous low-budget horror flick from 1985 that boasts a gaggle of weird, oozing monsters--each with a different look and method of killing--who come out at night, ready for action. The movie takes place in San Francisco--and the monsters actually make their home under the Golden Gate Bridge (!). Sure, why not? It could happen.

The title monsters are NEVER referred to as "Neon Maniacs" by any of the characters. A narrator has a brief speech early on in the film and says something like "The children's path shall be darkened...by the SHADOWS of the...NEON MANIACS." (Yeah. Whatever.) But that's the only time you hear the term, and as a justification for the title, it's flimsy at best. AND, as noted by many, the monsters are NEVER explained in any way. At all!

Near the end of the film there is a climactic scene at a high school costume dance featuring an astounding "Battle of the 80's Bands" (one a Rick Springfield knockoff, the other a lame heavy metal group) that will have you squirming and your face contorting into various peculiar grimaces and scowls. Yow!

This is a time capsule film. You watch it to see what things looked like, what was going on twenty-odd (very odd) years ago. But please take care: What you see, you may find upsetting.

80's horror had its own very unique and pointless stamp, and this is one of the best examples of an endearingly BAD 80's horror film--just as THE BREAKFAST CLUB is one of the best examples of an endearingly good 80's teen film. That is to say, NEON MANIACS, despite how awful it is, is memorable. It gives you a strange warm happy feeling inside when you watch it. And when it's over, you think about it--chortle to yourself over it. You might even recommend it to your friends. And you know perfectly well that it's not a good movie at all! That it's one of the worst movies you've ever seen!! See it tonight! Yes, it's crap. Yes, it's fun.