Hercules Returns

One of the shining moments in my aussiedom was when I watched this film and realised that it takes a very special kind of mind to create this kind of masterpiece and that that mind was aussie.

Take a budget of say hmmm AUS$2000? Perhaps thats a little generous hehehe, some relatively unknown actors, an old Italian muscle man version of hercules and a very warped and creative script writer and you have... tears running down your face and aching sides.

It has everything, good guys, bad guys, action, comedy..... lotsssssss of comedy and of course 'I love movies with muscle men in them' hehehe. Its been about a year since I've seen this movie though I've seen it about 20 times because I keep getting it out to show it to other people, but I still remember scenes and lines and sit there and giggle quietly to myself. My friends and I often sprout a line when it seems appropriate (or inappropriate as is usually the case) and we'll start giggling hillariously all over again.

Watch It!! Just do yourself a favour and watch it, because I don't think they will be re-releasing this gem and the old vids are getting worn down by the fans.

For all you poor deprived people over the pond, lobby whoever you have to and beg them to get it released in your country. Call it cultural education hehehe I swear you wont be disappointed.

The producers of Hercules Returns shows the world that corner cutting when it comes to movie making is not only acceptable but should be promoted.

I can imagine the initial board meeting when planning the movie.

"We're gonna make a funny as snot comedy based on the Greek legend of Hercules" They look around and see the money men hypo ventilating with budget induced panic attacks.

"BUT, we're not going to spend a fortune on actors, sets and costumes if that's what you're thinking, instead we're gonna take a long forgotten early 1960's Italian Epic based around Greek Mtyhology and turn the sound off".

There you have your plot and therein lies your comedy. An Australian movie theatre with technical problems, who's over zealous staff decide to show the movie and dub in their own voices with an audio which they hope will match the visual story, though someone should have warned them that at least a small inkling of the plot would have helped them.

I can imagine that a deaf person who could lip read in Italian, probably got a completely different cinematic experience than the rest of us, (Who are those annoying bastards in the cinema projection room ruining this fine Italian feature film!!!), but I'm sure they'd enjoy it too.

See this movie ASAFP, but have some spare pants at the ready, 'cuz you're gonna need 'em.

The comedy is simple: we see a 1963 Italian Hercules movie, with an "ad-libbed" English language soundtrack. We've seen this kind of thing done before. Many of us have seen it done better. I wouldn't be surprised if the people responsible for this very film have done better: it's based on their live performances, after all, and it would be surprising if they hadn't, on some nights, hit higher peaks than they do here. But that doesn't matter: the great thing about "Hercules Returns" is the way the frame story enlivens everything else about it.

Our three heroes have just opened an independent cinema, and an evil multiplex baron has seen to it that the only film they have to screen is cheesy, thirty years old, in Italian, without subtitles. They screen it anyway, ad-libbing all the dialogue and sound effects. Of course, the actors don't really ad-lib: they've seen the film before and they know what's coming next. But it's much more fun pretending that they're making it up as they go along than it would be to attend a performance in which they really were. Whenever they say something that turns out to match up with what happens NEXT rather than what's happened already, it's a delightful miracle - and because it really wasn't a miracle, because we knew all along that the performers were in no danger of slipping, we don't feel nervous on their behalf, so we're free to laugh. It's like watching the barn front fall on Buster Keaton, who survives because he by happy accident standing where the window landed. It's both thrilling and funny. If it really WERE a happy accident it would be neither.

The reaction shots at the start serve a similar purpose. Every few seconds, at first, we cut away from Hercules to the cinema audience, who are laughing merrily - and at first I though this was an insulting way of telling us, the real audience, that what we were watching was funny. I was wrong. The film does away with reaction shots after a couple of minutes, but they were needed early on to reassure us that the cinema audience was indeed enjoying, and would continue to enjoy, the show. Once satisfied on that point we're free to enjoy it ourselves. Not only do we laugh all the more helplessly, but every time we do, we feel more certain that the heroes are going to succeed.

Hercules Returns (1993) is a proud pi**take of 1960s Italian Hercules movies. Just as there were spaghetti westerns (mostly a decade later), the 1960s first kicked out spaghetti Hercules flicks, employing a myriad of pretty-boy wrestlers and bodybuilders, including Americans.

HR slays its 1993 audience not by mere spoofing, but by redubbing and reinterpreting the original B-movie vision, and plot, into something far more dopey and salacious.

For anyone interested, this is a feature film adaptation of the Double Take team's stage productions in Melbourne, realised onscreen here by Australian comedy festival host Mary Coustas (aka "Effie" to Aussies, playing the feisty Lisa), David Argue (as Brad), and Bruce Spence (as Sprocket). Yes, Bruce Spence is the lanky guy from Mad Max 1 & 3.

The silly excuse of a plot for this pi**take is the resurrection of an old moviehouse with the last film it screened some 30yrs before. That real-world original 1960s spaghetti gem was titled Samson and the Mighty Challenge (1964). Unfortunately the new theatre has some present-day enemies (Brad's old boss) who sabotages things by replacing the English-dubbed classic with its original and incomprehensible Italian version.

Somehow Lisa, Brad and Sprocket discover this looming disaster "in time" for the big show, rushing into the projection room to dub the film live on mics, complete with foley, their own falsetto voices, and an amazing "foreknowledge" of the plot (the pi**take). Well, it's all just an excuse for the Double Take team to do their thang. And what a talented thang it is: their timing, as well as their complete reinvention of plot fitting the existing vision, is truly awesome.

This farcical new plot often reinvents cynical modern hindsight as Romanised proper nouns. For instance, when Hercules (1960s Alan Steel) is hoeing into a chicken drumstick, his new English lines have him musing over somewhere he'd eaten good chicken before: "Oh yeah, Botulinia, that was it" (hinting botulism).

Hercules is now overdubbed as a dopey cabaret wannabe, wandering into the little town of "Climidia" (chlamydia) after rescuing a damsel from drowning. The damsel turned out to be a princess of sorts, remarking that Climidia needs a new cabaret act.

The princess' parents soon contemplate booking "that new singer from Crete, you know, Kylie Minogus", but reject her because "she's only popular with Cretans" (cretins). Instead, they "discover" Hercules, the son-of-a-god, mainly as a potential husband for their daughter. They desperately need some pretext to stop young Labia marrying her true love Testiculi, so they concoct Hercules' arrival as an edict of the gods. But the wily and not particularly chaste Labia has already seen through Herc: "Get real, mum, I'm not marrying someone with bigger tits than me", she scoffs.

Labia's mother Muriel is not very chaste either. She invites Herc up to her room "for a surprise" right in front of her husband Ted, who looks like a cagey "Benny Hill Show reject". Herc demurs that he "doesn't like to plan that sort of thing", so Muriel suggests she could sneak up on him. Without skipping a beat, Ted interjects: "-Nah; who likes old age creeping up on 'em?". Ted does have some of the funniest lines, apparently based on the original Italian actor's demeanor, who for some reason gave an all-too-knowing performance back in 1964.

It's very satisfying having the homosexual undertones of spaghetti Hercules B-movies explicated like this. During the course of Herc's Climidia stay, the local oracle "reveals" that the real reason Zeus sent him here was to declare Herc's true homosexual tendencies to the world. Hercules is completely incredulous: "You mean I'm a visitor to Vegemite Valley?!" The oracle then declares that Herc's perfect partner is in fact Samson, whom he must fight to prove his orientation. If Herc wins, he can marry Labia, but if he loses, he "must marry Samson".

All the original characters are mercilessly pilloried using the existing footage. Samson's newly dubbed lines are utterly pathetic and hilarious. As he contemplates his upcoming championship against Hercules, Samson muses "If I lose, my reputation is buggered... But if I win, I have to marry Hercules and then I'm buggered again...". His reinterpreted scenes with his girlfriend Delilah are some of the most tear-inducing: "Delilah! Where are you? You're hiding in that bloody little box again, aren't ya?" (due to the original actor's bizarre checking of tiny spaces). But Delilah is "a bit of a bruiser" who doesn't mince words. She doesn't want Samson fighting any more after one of his opponents was killed. "It's a bit unfair bringing that up-- you stabbed him", retorts Samson. She's still smarting as she accuses him of wanting to carouse for chicks in his chariot. So he butters her up with "What would I want with a beautiful young thing when I've got you, eh?". "-Suave bugger", concedes Delilah.

My favourite scene is with the farm chickens as they run across the screen. I recall watching the 1964 rerun one schoolday afternoon, and thinking that the last chicken was a little slow. Well, I should've known some comedian would notice the same thing. So now the chickens too have hilarious internal narratives: "Cluck, cluck, cluck, cl-aaaf*ck this for a joke". The punchline is the last chook, as it laments "Oooooh, I missed me cue"!

Some of the language is rather "Strine" (unsophisticated Aussie slang), but that's just leverage against other unlikable characters, like all the bodybuilders prancing in tight supermini loincloths. All are pilloried.

The last best gift is heard under the end credits: Des Mangan's Hercules Rap. He is the unseen talent behind the whole Double Take show. Although dated now with its 1990s clap machine, the song refers to itself as "rap with a capital C". Mangan as Hercules raps, "...I'm a bachelor again, but I ain't cryin'; If I don't have a girl, I can always pump iron!"

Hilarious, and addictively quotable. 9.5 out of 10.

Absolutely no prizes for style or taste could ever be attributed to this film. However, it is riproaringly funny. The voices dubbed on to the incredibly tacky original add so much humour. Leave brain at the door, lay back and die laughing - a 9 out of 10 from me