Hard Ticket to Hawaii

First there was the Bicycle Thief, then Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, Doctor Zhivago, Gahndi, and now Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Breathtaking cinematography and cunning script writing make this a must-see for all who aspire to create "films" rather than movies. Dona Spier (grossly ignored by the academy) spews forth her lines with an enthusiasm unseen since the great Shakespearean actresses of the 18th century. Andy Sidaris is a shrewd judge of talent and is horribly underestimated, as his films are usually ignored at the Cannes and Aspen film festivals. I rate this a 10.

There's a place in the world for just about every kind of film. You have your Oscar baiting serious fare on one end, and then you have stuff like the Andy Sidaris oeuvre. The man played his own particular formula for everything that it was worth: combine gorgeous Playboy Playmates with James Bond type action scenarios and breathtaking scenery. The Hawaii setting is a wonderful backdrop indeed for these cheerfully sleazy and silly shenanigans. The story (if anybody does care) involves two extremely comely female special agents, Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), who intercept a shipment of diamonds intended for a crime lord, Seth (Rodrigo Obregon). Oh, did I mention the cross dressing spy, or the hilariously phony looking deadly snake? They get worked into this mix, creating results that if not really inspired do make for generally agreeable entertainment. There's a knowingly cheesy approach to the whole thing, and Sidaris takes the time to promote himself as his work is advertised with use of posters from his previous films; he also does a cameo as a TV director. The film has genuinely amusing and entertaining characters, from smooth agent Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss), cousin of the Cody Abilene character from "Malibu Express", to his goofy pal Jade (Harold Diamond) to nefarious criminal kingpin Mr. Chang (Peter Bromilow). Of course, this is basically a vehicle for the charms of Ms. Speir and Ms. Carlton, and even if they're not overwhelmingly blessed in the acting department, that hardly matters. The voyeur in many of us will appreciate Sidaris taking each and every opportunity to have our sexy female cast members bare their breasts. There's also a fair bit of stuff blowing up real good to help keep this from ever getting dull. Overall, this is a good 'n' bouncy diversion worth a look for lovers of trashy B cinema. Seven out of 10.

You must know by now that "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is filled with humorous violence and gorgeous women.The violence doesn't feel cruel or personal. It's more of a device for telling a real story. The Playboy models in scanty outfits are a celebration of the human form, not pornography.

My father and brother would watch this movie together. They knew the plot and lines well enough to recite them, along with the actors. The movie bled over into real life, and they would say the lines to each other when the moment felt right.

As my father descended into terminal Alzheimer's disease, this film was his one last link with reality. Watching this film would bring him out of his stupor, and he would become verbal again.

Now that Father is gone, the entire family watches this movie once a year,on Christmas Eve. We make eggnog, eat fruitcake, and wear sweaters. And cry some, too.

If you liked The Remains Of The Day, Terms Of Endearment, or Steel Magnolias... avoid this movie at all costs.

How do you begin to describe a movie with gratuitous nudity, bad acting, an implausible plot, 2-dimensional characters, and bad fight scenes? How do you describe the necessity for a mutant snake, an inflatable doll, skateboarding henchmen and razor-bladed frisbees in the same movie? Ofcourse, I COULD mention some of the greatest lines of our generation like,"Life is a bitch and then you die." Or maybe,"Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee." (I can't make that up.)

Why would I bother telling you that I searched for years to find this movie on DVD to watch over and over and over again? I dare not watch another movie in this series for fear of besmearching the good name of this gem. Please, please, please, if have the opportunity, watch it at least once.

This movie is like how Richard Gere describes the opera in Pretty Woman. Those that love it, will love it forever, and those that don't will learn to appreciate it, but it will never become a part of their soul.

Enjoi filmphiles

P.S. I take no blame for mental trauma suffered from watching this film.

One of the hottest looking "actresses" ever. Lots of nudity, even when they have clothing on they are usually running around and wear very sexy outfits so it's still pretty cool. Despite the obvious appeal because of the babes, this movie is filled lots of action and is fun too watch. Not exactly on the level of Citizen Kane, but hey who cares, Orson Wells never looked this good!