Ciclón: bólido de acero

(57%) A very 1980's mid-budget sci-fi actioner featuring the very lovely Heather Thomas in a role that sees her take on criminal Martin Landau using her boyfriend's (Jeffrey Combs) super high-tec motorbike equipped with a laser-beam armed helmet and some rockets. And that's it for story. But this is still an enjoyable watch as the pacing is brisk and there aren't many fun action movies like this with a female lead. There are some quite cool and well handled moments, and the action is never below normal decent standards. Anyone in the mood for some long forgotten, yet still very watchable entertainment from the 1980's should give this a go.

When a movie shows two beautiful, sweaty women working out in a gym (with the camera emphasizing their arms and cleavage) BEFORE the opening credits are even over, it's on the right track. When it shows one of those women (the super-sexy Heather Thomas) kicking a$$ within the first 10 minutes, it deserves applause. Sure, the plot is so thin that it feels stretched-out even at just 82 minutes, and the "comic relief" of two inept cops is not very funny, but on the whole "Cyclone" is an enjoyable B action movie, with some spectacular car and motorcycle stunts (considering the budget). Also notable is the strong female presence, with no fewer than 4 women (2 good and 2 bad) getting into the action, and if you're thinking "there must be a Climactic Catfight"....you are right! Cult actors Jeffrey Combs and Martin Landau have fairly brief roles, Landau does get the last line in the film though (and it's a funny one). (**1/2)

"Cyclone" is a decent dose of escapism from reliable B movie veteran Fred Olen Ray, ostensibly a vehicle for gorgeous, glamorous TV star Heather Thomas. She plays Teri, a young woman whose boyfriend Rick (Jeffrey Combs) has designed an ultra cool looking motorcycle for the government. Soon, bad guys have murdered Rick and Teri is forced to take it on the lam. Among the rich assortment of villains are Martin Landau as slick, evil businessman Bosarian, legendary stuntman Dar Robinson (to whom the film is dedicated) as an albino thug, and Dawn Wildsmith as his gal pal. You know you're in for a good time when in addition to these people, the others who turn up are Troy Donahue, Martine Beswicke, and Robert Quarry as federal agents, Huntz Hall as bike shop proprietor Long John, Bruce Fairbairn as a police detective, and an uncredited Russ Tamblyn. Overall this is a fairly slight movie - you won't really remember it after it's over - but it's still pretty entertaining while it lasts. The action scenes are competently done, the pacing is efficient, and there are some hilarious moments to let us know that Ray and screenwriter Paul Garson are keeping their tongues in their cheeks and just having fun with the genre. Among these moments are the final scenes for both Quarry and Robinson. The motorcycle itself is pretty damn nifty, and the helmet that goes with it is amusing itself - it shoots lasers! David A. Jackson composes the catchy, appealing electronic music score, and there's one priceless sequence featuring an act named Haunted Garage (fronted by Michael Sonye) performing the song "Devil Metal". The actors are enjoyable to watch, with Thomas making for a tough and feisty heroine, and the equally fetching Ashley Ferrare engaging as her friend. It's a treat to see Combs of "Re-Animator" fame in a romantic role, and Robinson (who died after filming) is the most fun out of the antagonists. The ending is not terribly satisfying (revealing the fate of a specific character in a rather perfunctory manner), but in general this is fine entertainment for schlock fans. Some of them may bemoan the fact that the one gratuitous shower scene is over so soon, though! Seven out of 10.

Teri Marshall (Heather Thomas) finds herself in a world of nefarious Government and bad guy types after her inventor boyfriend Rick Davenport (Jeffrey Combs) is murdered. Seems everyone is after his invention Cyclone, a $5 million dollar motorbike with stealth technology. Of course, Rick expected this and delivers a post-death message to Teri to get the motorbike to the only G-man (Troy Donahue) he can trust. The big chase is on with CIA agents Waters (Martine Beswick) and Knowles (Robert Quarry) and baddies Rolf (Dar Robinson) and Hanna (Dawn Wildsmith) in pursuit. And Martin Landau figures in here somewhere as the main bad guy. More Fred Olen Ray madness here and this film is a marked improvement over his earlier stuff. By that I mean it looks like an actual film with decent cinematography. It is still pretty low budget though with cheap sets and a almost-but-not-quite futuristic bike design. The leads are decent and I noticed Combs - like Peter Cushing before him - has an insane talent for making techno-babble sound 100% believable. You also get a gaggle of ex-stars who mostly likely were around for a few days in supporting roles. Donahue has one scene while Landau gets three. All of the big action is saved for the finale and there are two really cool car stunts there. Of course, the film's biggest leap of faith isn't the stealth bike. My friend Marty summed it up best when he said: "As implausible as this thriller is, the biggest stretch is that sexy blonde Thomas, first seen hitting the Nautilus machine in a bust-bursting Spandex outfit, would be dating dorky scientist Combs."

Cyclone is a piece of dreck with little redeeming value, even on the so bad its entertaining front. A friend of mine took the tape from an overflowing St. Vincent DePaul clothes bin. Okay, that may be a little bit dodgy but it was meant to be a clothes bin, not a crappy old VHS bin, something the less fortunate members of our society don't really need to make their lives better. It could be considered a mercy. Watching a movie like Cyclone would really only add to their problems. Anyway the basic premise of a woman with a super-powerful motorcycle that it armed to the teeth with rockets and lasers isn't even properly exploited. The two 'high speed' chase sequences involve vehicles travelling at less than hair raising speeds of around 40 KMPH and a super-fast motorcycle that is in danger of being overtaken by a crappy old station wagon is not that awe inspiring when you get down to it. There is only one scene where the bikes goofy weaponry is used, at the film's climax, and it is laughably ineffectual, or just laughable, when it is. This includes laser beams that look like they should be coming out of the hands of an evil wizard in a cheesy eighties sword and sorcery that produced large bursts of flame which seem to have no noticeable effect on their targets even when they hit directly. The rest of the movie is just tedious hard to watch filler. Lots of bad actors, yes even Combs and Landau suck in this, most of whom seem like they have been lifted from the set of a porno movie stand around exchanging really bad dialogue in a desperate attempt to pus forward the barely coherent plot. There are a few badly staged fight sequences and some excruciatingly unfunny comic relief scenes with some cops and the owner of the motor cycle repair shop. Comedy of the sub Benny Hill horny old man can't stop staring at the female leads chest variety. Basically the 'money' scenes involving the bike actually doing stuff are few and lame and the rest is clunky filler material. Skip it.