Duendes

Wow! I can't believe this movie exists. Just when I thought Chuck Norris was the worst actor ever, along comes Grizzly Adams. He is a department store Santa trying to stop a Nazi created elf from doing something. The elf is laughable. Characters come and go without explanation. The elf kills without explanation. Grizzly Adams acting defies explanation. The dialogue is priceless. This movie was delightfully bad. I highly recommend it. Rent it for a laugh.

OK, I'm normally not the kind of guy who thinks bad movies are funny. If I see a movie that is truly terrible, then I may have a couple of laughs, but I will be disappointed overall. That's why I am finding it hard to say, as nearly everybody who has seen the film does, that Elves is a bad movie. I loved it. I don't think that I have ever laughed so hard at a movie in all of my life. Here's a memorable quote. Grizzly Adams, let me repeat, GRIZZLY ADAMS: "Tell me about the connection between the elves and the Nazis." If you find this line at all interesting or humorous then I have to say, SEE ELVES. The story: A Nazi grandfather has selectively inbred to create a girl who, when impregnated by an elf, will create the Nazi 4th Reich: An army of Nazi elves who will take over the world! Yeah, this plot is incredibly stupid, but you have to admit that whoever thought up this idea was a pretty creative individual, and I give him a lot of credit. The movie follows the young girl who is being hunted by a sex crazed elf and Grizzly Adams' character, who is doing everything in his power to try and help the girl. Grizzly is pursued by a group of unknown men who are attempting to stop his hunt for the elf at any cost. This results in an especially gut-busting scene in which we see Grizzly Adams dive roll out of a speeding car right before it explodes. HAHA! I'm laughing right now just thinking about it. Do you want to see a perverted department store Santa killed by a mutant elf who stabs him repeatably in the genitalia? See Elves. The acting is great, and by great a mean absolutely hilarious; it's NOT that bad, it's just really funny. I suppose I am really hyping this movie up. I watched it with a large group of friends who all claimed that the movie was bad, and yet they were laughing just as hard as me through the whole thing. Maybe you will think Elves is a bad movie, but I'm sure you'll get a kick out of it.

No doubt about it, this is one piece of cinematic crap if there ever was one. But, it is likable in several respects. One, Dan Haggerty, he of golden mane (is it gold from all the cigarettes he smokes?) and large belly and beard. Two, the Elf doll is hilariously cheesy. It is like watching someone play with a toy. The thing must only have like one moving part. Three, the dialog is hilarious and the acting is horrendous. As a so bad its funny film, its definitely worth wasting an hour and a half on. But beyond that, this is really crappy. Even as a so bad its funny schlockfest, it could have been much better. It gets bogged down in an absurd conspiracy story about Nazis and the fourth Reich, so on. Although this retarded back story results in a great scene where a professor explains to Marlboro Man Haggerty ( actually they were Camels) the history of Nazis and elves at his Christmas dinner table. The name is false, as well, as there is only one elf.

Let's face it, with a title like Elves I expected to see, well... elves. This movie should more accurately be called Elf. That's right, there is one, count him, ONE elf. I suppose Elves sounds a little more frightening than Elf, though not much. Picture a hoard of evil elves descending upon you - kind of scary as a large number of them may be able to overpower you or rip your limbs off. Now, picture what we get in the movie, one rubber elf mask permanently frozen with it's mouth open. As Count Floyd used to say, "oooooo, isn't that scary, boys and girls?..... well, isn't it?!"

When I mention the following things all in a movie, it appears that we should have a winner - Dan Haggerty, evil elves, nazi's, teenagers, and Santa. But Elves just doesn't really succeed in converting all that potential into something great or truly horrendous. Granted, there is high entertainment value in hearing Haggerty and the other characters say things like "I want to know the connection between the elves and the nazi's" or "Look man, I'm tellin' you what I saw, god damn it, I'm tellin' you I saw a two foot elf!"

There are really amusing things in the movie, often unintentional, but overall it's a disappointment.

This schlock-ridden beauty is a christmas horror gem of the it's-so-bad-it's good variety.

The plotline is gold.

Nazis have genetically engineered the master race gene into elves buried in an american forest. The man behind this plot impregnated his own daughter, as part of a scheme to create the perfect human- specifically designed to procreate with these elves. Hence, his granddaughter is the focus of an ancient prophecy come to fruition...as she is to breed with the elf at midnight on christmas morning, to bring forth the antichrist and master race- who will rule over the entire world.

But she has no idea about any of this...until, well, her friends start getting murdered by nazi occult priests and the elf itself.

Up to this point, she's just a rad 80's chick, upset with the outrageousness of this square world...shooting the shit with her girlfriends and getting up to no good. At least when she's not working.

One night, she and her girlfriends break into the department store where she works. They plan to party...but are are interrupted with this whole fiasco, before they get a chance to let loose.

Now, her, Santa, and her little brother must take on and destroy the elf, before she gets raped and knocked up with the antichrist by it.

This film is cheesy as hell, but the elf is kinda cool (though, also totally lame), and its full of awesomely quotable one liners. There's even some tension in there! Meaning, it's pretty much everything you want in a christmas horror this holiday season.

Recommended.

6 out of 10.