The Ninja Mission

This is the magnum opus from the Swedish king of crap, Mats-Helge Olsson. Seldom has a movie of this magnitude been made in Sweden and it truly stands out as one of the most amazing achievements in Swedish film to date. Who pays for these things?

The Russian nuclear scientist Markov wants to defect to Sweden. But his plans are ruined by the Russian military who kidnap him and tell him that he has arrived in Sweden. This trickery is their way of seeing to that Markov continues his work in nuclear physics that will revolutionize the energy supply for the whole planet. The CIA however is bent on getting Markov to the west and send their ninja to liberate him.

The practice of having Swedish actors speaking English is something that Mats-Helge has perfected in his later works. The cheap b-movie feeling this creates is probably unmatched for performance. But besides this? Well the action is standard direct-to-video style. Machine guns firing huge clouds of smoke. Thousands of Russians dying. People running around in black ninja suits, trying to hide in the snow.

What really stands out though is the insanely poor way the fighting scenes are choreographed. When they say "Ninja" in the title i expect martial arts, i expect close combat. But there are maybe two or three scenes of actual martial arts in this movie. And they are hilarious. It's so bad i lack the words to describe it. If the ninjas moved any slower their hearts would stop. And of course the whole movie ends in a bang that indicates a special-effects budget consisting of four food-stamps and a McDonald's voucher.

So what's the verdict? Instant classic of course. Never before has a movie been made that is so obviously meant to be consumed along with huge amounts of alcohol. It's the ultimate party movie. Insert into video and laugh. One just has to realize that movies like these are not made any more. This is film history.

Therefore the rating is 8/10 for entertainment, 1/10 for quality and 10/10 for accents.

This otherwise routine low-budget entry in the glut of 80s ninja movies is really only notable for being Swedish, and for being apparently the most commercially successful Swedish export feature up to that time--which is, frankly a little hard to believe. (More successful than "I Am Curious Yellow," for starters?) The cheese factor is immediately high with lots of cheap action--you know, the kind where somebody points a toy gun and a bunch of extras wave their arms around pretending to be "shot."

The ninjas aren't very present in this tale of West/USSR espionage (involving a Swedish scientist kidnapped by the Russians), beyond the fact that a lot of security dudes are frequently dressed in vaguely "ninja-like" head-to-foot jumpsuits obscuring their identities, presumably so the same few extras could be used over and over again despite being "killed."

The scientist's-daughter heroine is apparently meant to be a cross between Diane Lane in "Streets of Fire" and whatshername in "Flashdance," as a sort of New Wave sexpot. (She does actually sing a song near the beginning, before being kidnapped like her father.) The presumably dubbed ESL dialogue is humorously just a little "off" at all times, but this movie is really too small and pedestrian in ideas to be unintentional-comedy gold. However, it's lively enough in its silly way--every five minutes another ten extras flail around being "shot"--to be fun if forgettable.

You've been fouled and beaten up in submission by my harsh statements about "femme fatale" / "guns n' gals" movies! Now comes another breed in disappointing rediscoveries: ninja movies! Many of these I've seen before, and let me tell you, they aren't all that's cracked up to be! They usually don't stick to the point. This, among all others, suffers from no originality! What's a ninja got to do with preventing a nuclear holocaust in Russia? And isn't this supposed to be a "martial arts" movie, too? Does plenty of gunfire sound like an incredible action movie to you? Is blood the number one reason to love this to death? Will you waste some of your hard-earned cash over a lady singing in her see-through tank top? The answers to these important questions are found in THE NINJA MISSION, which should be in the martial arts section of your video store. For even more nonsense ninja fun, try checking out those Godfrey Ho movies put out by Trans World. You get what you deserve, and that's a promise! Recommended only for hardcore ninja addicts!

This is truly a Swedish cult classic. On the cover of my copy, the tag line is "Ninjas and the CIA explode in violence in the heart of Russia". To the best of my knowledge, Ninja Mission is still the Swedish film to generate the most revenue (abroad, since it was instantly banned in Sweden during the merry 80's).

The movie itself is a clumsily put together action bonanza with a superbly surreal plot revolving around a revolutionary energy source, kidnapped scientists, and lots and lots of ninjas employed, for some reason, by the Americans.

The random slow motions scenes, haphazard spurts of violence and blurred footage come together to create a rather confusing, if entertaining B-movie with a thin slice of macho heroic moral slapped on top. As in so many other Mats Helge movies screen time is mostly spent on people walking in and out of rooms, running along hallways and yelling 'hurry up' to one another - a surefire way to create excitement. Still, there are joyous little things like the ninja terror weapon that fires a toxic dart, making the victim's heart (or head!) explode, and a fair amount of decent ninja action with some pretty neat martial arts moves.

70% of the actors sport heavy Swedish accent, and Mats Helge himself plays the fat, bearded Russian secret agent that kidnaps young girls.

When I talk about movies, specifically bad movies, I always mention "Ninja Mission". My friend wanted to see it and neither my brother nor I wanted to see it. But my friend begged and promised to pay for our ticket if we didn't like it. As we were leaving the theater without prompting or any words said reached for his wallet and reimbursed us for the movie.

You know a movie is bad when straight teen age boys roll their eye when the cute actress takes off her shirt and think "not even this can save the movie". :-) Yes it is that bad. Yes it was out of the theater in my neighborhood in one day.