El monstruo de Marte

ROBOT MONSTER is often heralded as the worst movie ever made, although I've seen plenty that are more boring than this zero-budget effort, which is enthusiastic if nothing else. The nutshell plot of the film sees a family struggling to survive in the aftermath of an apocalypse, where they're menaced by the titular alien.

The film features an anything-goes, shot-in-your-own-backyard feel which makes it hard to take seriously. I'm a huge fan of '50s sci-fi, but this has more in common with the dodgy offerings of Ed Wood than a real film. The acting is sub-par, the script even worse, and the attempts to enliven things by shoving in stock footage are simply helpless.

Things aren't quite so bad as all that, though. ROBOT MONSTER is a film that it's easy to laugh at, which counts for a lot, and Ro-Man is quite an entertaining menace...at least, he's highly amusing, whether it be his bizarre look or the way he talks in that portentous voice. As a movie, it's also very short, which makes things easier to take. Watch it as an unintentional comedy and you might even find yourself enjoying it.

Sure, this movie is bad. If, however, you have seen tons of movies, including tons of bad movies, you can appreciate just how bad this one is. This film is much more entertaining than any of the Ed Wood films I've seen. This is one of the best of the B classics. If you happen to watch this movie with altered brain chemistry, say you have a fever, it takes on a surrealistic vibrance that parallels a religious experience. every line of dialog has multiple hidden meanings and carry a tone you might associate with a divine manifestation. I felt like people from the future, or from another planet had gone back in time to make this film and bury it in the subconscious of our culture.

Fans of bad movies probably know all about this film. However, if you haven't had the pleasure of experiencing this infamous laugh-riot, allow me to explain...

The film opens with an arrangement of Sci-fi pulp magazines behind the opening credits, so you're obviously expected to throw your common sense radar switch firmly to the off position before viewing commences. Then we're introduced to a family, for some reason having a picnic in a quarry.

The young boy takes a tumble, and when he recovers, he finds Ro-man, conquerer of Earth and destroyer of mankind, hiding in a cave.

Ro-man. Now how would you describe Ro-man? How about a man (George Barrows) in a gorilla suit, probably left over from the forties, wearing an old-fashioned diving helmet with the visor blacked out, and a TV ariel sticking out of the top of his head? There are many legends of course about director Phil Tucker running out of cash and, unable to finish off the spacesuit, simply used an old leftover Gorilla custom. Let's face it however, would 'Robot Monster' be the cult favourite it is today if he had found the funds to finish the costume?

We discover the truth soon after our first encounter with Ro-Man; that Earth was attacked by the alien simian, who wiped out all but eight members of the population. We know this because Ro-Man's gleefully reveals the plot to his superior - 'The Great One' (also George Barrows in the same costume) - over a super hi-tech communications device. I write hi-tech communications device, but what what I actually mean is an old 1940s radio on a wooden table attached to a bubble-making machine.

Somehow, in the aftermath of Ro-man's destructive rampage, prehistoric creatures were unleashed (yes, it's the old 'One Million B.C.' (1940) footage reeled out for about the 1,500th time; and there's even footage from the antiquated 'Lost World' of 1925!). Thankfully, our poor family are helped in their struggle to survive by their doctor friend and his anti-everything serum, which protect them from Ro-man's deadly Calcinator Ray.

If you think this all sounds rather childish, well you're right, but this is fused with some quite unexpected adult themes. Ro-man murders the doc's child daughter, and then plans to mate with her older sister. You'd think that the intelligent and beautiful heroine of the piece (Claudia Barrett) would shudder from this evil, and probably smelly, beast, but she doesn't exactly shun him, even remarking 'Oh Ro-Man, you're so strong' as he drags her across the barren wastes to his cave.

Despite all this, 'Robot Monster' does seem to drag a little in the middle (not an easy accomplishment for a film only just over a hour long!), especially after the novelty of old fish-tank head wears thin. But if you love/like/can tolerate bad movies, you really do owe it to yourself to see this; it lacks quality of any kind.

The first time I saw this, in the '60s, I managed to catch clips off of a late night Creature Feature that cut the crap out of the movie to insert commercials. Thus it made little sense. However, the images that I did see never left me and I have been haunted with the desire to see it again in its entirety. Over the years I managed to catch even more clips but never the entire movie. Nevertheless I was still intrigued by a certain something. Finally I just flat out bought the DVD.

I watched it twice in a row and discovered that this is really quite a little gem. When you finally realize what is going on (which I certainly won't tell you) it makes perfect sense in a 1953 flavor. The important thing to remember is that it is from a child's limited experience and point of view. Once that is realized it becomes great fun.

Perhaps the best part is Elmer Bernstein's score. It kind of does for this movie what Max Stein did for 'King Kong'. The mood is set. Things become a bit surreal and eerie. You become unbalanced. This is good because upon first viewing it throws you a curve and suddenly you aren't in Kansas anymore. How did this happen? It isn't explained until the end, but all at once we have stock footage of dinosaurs fighting(both actual lizards and stop-motion animated models) and a large armadillo walking through the scene. Why? It makes no sense....at first. It is certainly a bit upsetting to your reality though.

Then we discover that the entire word's population is gone with the exception of a handful of people because of Ro-man and ensemble taking over the world. As you know Ro-man is a guy in a gorilla suit sans gorilla head which is replaced by a goofy space helmet. He has a bubble machine (for some reason) and a communication device at the entrance of this cave. His mission is to kill off the rest of the remaining humans. Piece o cake? Nope. Crafty humans have accidentally figured a way to cloak their exact location.

The acting is not good but I have the strangest feeling it was completely on purpose to unbalance the viewer. The same holds true for much of the logic. But in the end that is OK when you discover what has really happened. As soon as that is revealed you will groan and wonder what you missed that might have explained this earlier in the film. No, you didn't miss anything. The movie leads you where it wants you to go and reveals nothing until it wants you to know. Then, if you're dedicated, you will watch it again and perhaps enjoy it much more like I did. I also discovered that while it is logically lame it is never flat out stupid. There really is a method to the filmmaker's madness here.

This movie is cheesy and cheap - it probably wouldn't have worked any other way. Because of Bernstein's music and some of the work by the sound department this movie can even raise your sense of unease. This is good! It doesn't try to scare the Hell out of you but tries to convey a story - which is somewhat interesting from a 1953 point of view.

Bottomline: I personally like this movie and will see it again. I think David Lynch should try a remake. It has some of the same qualities as some of his films for developing a sense of the surreal.

I give it a 4.

It's an old theme, and one particularly pertinent to the cold war. Aliens conquer the earth, and earthlings are too small minded to put aside their grievances, so all is lost. However, in the case of Robot Monster, the aliens are big guys in ape suits and old-school scuba gear (odd concept of a robot, IMO), and all the action in the film appears to be either stock warfare footage or scraps of bad sci-fi films found on the cutting room floor, spliced in with some pathetic burning miniature rocket ships, and all not even loosely tied into the "plot".

George Nader, who helped Frankie Avalon ruin the masterpiece of garbage cinema "Million Eyes of Sumuru", is the star, but the only people who act in this film are Claudia Barrett and John Brown (the Ro-Man), and even so, they're not very good at it. As a man well aware of his limits, Nader doesn't usually bother with acting. Like most of the cast members of Robot Monster, he simply recites his lines and adds a smile, a chuckle, or a gesture here and there.

It gets worse. I am a professional archaeologist, and though I appreciate the credit this film gives my profession, I sincerely doubt that any archaeologist will ever develop a serum that makes humans immune to every possible form of disease. Furthermore, I have ethical concerns about the fact that he tests it on HIS ENTIRE FAMILY, even if doing so allowed them to be the only survivors of the alien holocaust brought about by Ro-man! I guess this makes Robot Monster a pioneering cyberpunk film since the entire plot takes place after the destruction of most of earth's life. Most of the plot is incoherent, utterly ridiculous and unexplained.

You continue to watch because, despite the mediocre cinematography, worse than mediocre directing and script, you want to see just how much worse it can get. In that sense, this film is no disappointment. It gives Manos a run for its money, but in the end does no harm, and its a lot more fun, so I gave it a two (the extra star is for being harmless). This is an amazingly goofy and silly film, comparable in its absurdity to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Go for it if you're into that kind of thing, or if you harbor a secret desire to see George Nader get married without a shirt in a ceremony performed by a German archaeologist.