Private Property

This film is a tad predictable, a bored housewife entertains a gardener with questionable motives. The film itself was not terrible and the cinematography was well done. But then there is the music. It made the movie almost unwatchable. I get that you're trying to do the artsy "Drive" thing with the electronic moody tones but maybe turn it down a bit so we can hear what the characters are saying? Very distracting.

I put this Hulu flick on at 1 in the afternoon while doing laundry and packing for an upcoming work trip. All I could think of while watching thus movie was Instagram "stories". I had just watched Shiloh Hernandez (even his name is Instagrammable!) in a movie on Tubi with the actress from Gone Girl and I Care A Lot. Like this, it too was a bad flick but that actress (I don't know her name, she never became an A-lister) is so great she elevates her films if given enough creative license to do her thing. I cannot believe how difficult it is to try and come up with six hundred characters to fill the gap. Cringe & thirsty.

I have seen my fair share of stinkers over the years, but this remake of private property is among the worst offenders.

Why do i think so?

For starters this is a remake, so it lacks originality, there is barely a plot recognizable, twists were so obvious, that they lacked any kind of surprise. There are some stunningly looking shots in the movie, but as any Zack Snyder film will show you, gorgeous looking shots do not rescue a movie without a plot. The main characters lack any form of chemistry.

I had the feeling, the director decided to make a film noir, but a very colorful one.

The list if producers and executive producers on this film is longer than the list of actors. Among them the leading man of this movie.

It might be worthwhile digging* up the original movie and give it a shot, but watching this one was a waste of money and time.

It was comically awful.

• The editing was terrible. In an 80-minute movie, we were treated to long stretches of scenes like the protagonist taking out her trash, making the movie feel like the run time was far longer. It was like an. Editing 101 submission.

• I paused to check the year this film was made because (and not in a good retro way), it looked like it was made in the early 90s at some points.

• The sound was poorly done, making it hard to hear dialogue at points.

• Jay Pharoah's character was a joke. Going back to bad directing/editing: one of the longer stretches of his character on screen has his back facing the camera. He's absent for a large part of the movie and his character just comes off as filler. Terrible way to use your star actor.

• The whole story was a mess. The ending was a mess and rushed. Certain character motivations were unclear or not addressed. So when the ending came, it fell completely flat. A certain character reappears and I laughed because he was so disinterested in everything until that point.

It was like a lifetime movie (though that's an insult to many LT movies). Not an entertaining one and not well done even for their standards. A boring, dated (but new), poorly directed and edited Lifetime movie.

The actors did their best but you could tell they were without proper direction. The lead woman's abilities were greater than the film, for sure. But she was working with nothing.

None have captured the spirit of how bad a film can be like this one. I literally couldn't NOt Watch because I am shocked this was made. 0/10 would never recommend not even to my worst enemy. Guantanomo Bay banned this movie because it was too evil to put on repeat.