Hard Rock Zombies

This movie is AWFUL, don't believe otherwise! The acting is absolutely terrible, the plot is nonexsistent, and even the makeup is cheap. Yet all of this adds up to a hilariously bad zombie movie! The humor itself isn't funny at all, yet it's amusing because you're laughing AT it, not with it. I really enjoyed it, although it had no redeeming qualities at all! Basically it is one of the worst movies ever made, and for that reason it's pretty funny.

This film has it all! A pedophile romance, a switchblade wielding werewolf granny in a wheelchair, Hitler, zombie midgets, awesomely cheesy 80's tunes, nudity, and some of the worst acting and editing i've ever seen. This is one of those rare movies that's so bad it's good. It's offensive, bizarre, and just flat out hilarious (unintentionally, of course). If any of the aforementioned story elements intrigue you or if you're just into really low-budget 80's horror movies...then this might be worth checking out. Would make an awesome double feature with "rock and roll nightmare". The love ballad "Cassie" should be the theme song for all pedophiles.

I had the pleasure of viewing yet another odd addition to the zombie horror genre: Hard Rock Zombies. Our movie starts out with some blond chick hitch-hiking on the highway who then gets picked up by 2 guys in a sports car, goes skinny dipping with them, and then kills them both while a man accompanied by 2 weird midgets (one of which is deformed) photographs the entire event. Then we are introduced to the main characters of our flick, a rock band, led by Jessie who is the bass player and lead singer. They're jamming at a gig and then head into a back room after the show to have some fun with the groupies. While in the back room, a strange girl named Cassie warns Jessie not to play their next gig in this town called Grand Guignol. When he asks for an explanation she doesn't give him one and leaves Jessie hanging. Problem is, they can't skip the next town because a big shot talent scout is going to be there to watch the show.

So they go to Grand Guignol anyways even though they've been warned. On the way, Jessie is fumbling around with an ancient incantation he found while playing it over a rock bass line. They show up in the town, which is composed of stereotypical local yokel folks, and dance around. Yes, that's right - dance around. See, Hard Rock Zombies is also a musical and whenever the movie takes you into a musical number it's shot like a music video. This is pretty hilarious since the music is standard cheese ball 80's stuff and the antics in the video are lame at best. Still, I'm laughing.

Well, wouldn't you know, the same blond chick from the opening scene lives there and offers to put the band up in her mansion vice the local hotel. They accept since every one of the members wants to nail her except for Jessie who is falling for the odd Cassie girl. Unbeknownest to our heroes, Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun (who is also a werewolf), and the photographer with his 2 weird midgets also live in the mansion. The town is also not happy that they've arrived and quickly pass a measure to ban all rock and roll music at a town meeting. Jessie finds out that his incantation is effective for bringing the dead back to life after fooling around with it in his room. He then records it with his bass line and tells Cassie to play the tape at their graves should something tragic happen to him and the band.

Sure enough, Adolph and his buddies kill the entire band in various ways including one scene that's an obvious tribute to Hitchcock's "Psycho". The heart broken Cassie laments at Jessie's grave and then plays the tape. Voila! Our heroes emerge from the grave, looking paler, and proceed to walk and dance around the town like robots. Yes, that's right, LIKE ROBOTS. The standard groaning, lumbering slowly, and arms straight out zombie gait does not apply here. Oh yeah, and this is set to another cool song with the accompanying music video. Groovy!

Our heroes take revenge on their antagonizers and then play their gig to an audience of one: the talent scout. Another music video accompanies this bit and it's a sentimental ballad dedicated to Cassie. Things get crazier from there. More people come back from the dead and the deformed midget sits at the dinner table and decides to eat HIMSELF. The town residents go into a panic and devise humorous ways to defeat the zombies. Finally one person convinces the rest that they need a virgin to be ravished by the zombies at midnight on a full moon so that the zombies will slumber for 100 years. Guess who the virgin is?

I won't give away the ending but the deformed midget does succeed in eating himself and Hitler's gas chamber makes an appearance. Hard Rock Zombies has gotten crap reviews on almost every site that I looked at. Well, I think that what these people were missing was that Hard Rock Zombies is not a movie to be taken seriously. This is strictly campy fun and I got quite a few laughs from it. Hard Rock Zombies succeeds as a horror based comedy, not by design, but only by serendipity.

Greetings And Salutations, and welcome to my review of Hard Rock Zombies; here's the breakdown of my ratings:

Story: 0.75 Direction: 0.75 Pace: 0.50 Acting: 1.00 Enjoyment: 1.00

TOTAL: 4.00 out of 10.00.

I really wanted to like Hard Rock Zombies. I mean, zombies, rock music, neo-nazis, cannibal mutant dwarfs, a town that's anti-Rock'n'Roll, and Adolf Hitler, what more could a music-orientated comedy horror require? Well, for a start, a good story, gut-busting comedy, perfectly timed direction, head-banging tunes, and decent acting. Sadly, the audience receives very little in the way of these.

Krishna Shah, who also directed, and David Allan Ball, tells us the story of an up-and-coming rock band. The Hard Rock Zombies are trying to hit the big time and are playing small towns throughout America. Unfortunately for them, their next stop hates rock and roll. The council and townsfolk do everything to prevent the show from going on, even arresting the Zombies. Luckily, they get bailed by a well-to-do family in the area. But something isn't quite right about them. And when the band gives them a free thankyou performance, they're electrocuted. Is the house's electrical system old and dangerous, or are there other powers at play? There's one thing though: The old mansion contains an undeniable power. As the group's leader riffs off a new track, he realises the tune can resurrect the dead - real-life Hard Rock Zombies. Wow, the story's packed with everything but the kitchen sink, and the possibilities the plotlines provide are endless. So why doesn't it work? The simple answer is lack of skill. The story needed better structuring to ease its jaggedness and enliven the dullness. There's a fair amount of good in the script. Sadly, neither Shah nor Ball makes the most of it. The worst parts are the comedic elements. From their many attempts to make you chortle, only one scene works, and even that is an only juster. It's the skit where the council vote to ban Rock'N'Roll from their town. And though it's humourous, it's when the last resident steps up to the podium to make their statement that I began to titter. Luanne. "Rock n' roll music causes... Sex! Adolescent sex! Premarital sex! And, worst of all... Physical Sex!" And the way the actress delivers her argument is the icing on the cake. She's all excited smiles and subdued, sultry sexiness. This segment works because of the actor's and actresses' performances. What the narrative required were better structuring and better character development. Apart from the odd scene, most characters are dull as dish-water.

One element that could've lifted the sluggishness was the direction. Sad to say, Shah's directional skills are as exciting as his writing. You have an actual band, and though the guys aren't outstanding actors, they're not terrible musicians - though the songs leave a lot to be desired. If he'd filmed these guys correctly, he could've forgotten about the other stuff a little. But he doesn't, and there's nothing better than the concert segments to display Shah's failing. He loves his pick-a-spot, set up the camera, point, shoot, and record style. This form could've worked had the band been more dynamic on stage. Sadly, they're of the stand-by-your-microphones brigade. But it's not all bad because Shah incorporates a few varied camera angles. Though they're interesting, he holds the shot too long, adding to the picture's sluggish feel. And don't get me started on the Hard Rock Zombie's Zombie Stroll. Shah attempts to make this parade stylish and engaging for the viewer. However, it comes across as poor as a third-rate rock video. Had they employed a top-notch rock video director, the movie may have reached the heady heights of hard rock heaven. Or, at the very least, been a contender in the cult movie charts.

I always find it tough to drop the blame for an awful movie in the lap of the actors and actresses. The performers can only work with the story and characters they're given and can merely deliver the scenes in the way the director directs. On the whole, everybody gives a decent performance, except for the band members. I found these guys to be too subdued, over-eager, as hammy as a pig on a butcher's slab, or as wooden as a pirate's peg leg. And they get worse when you take the lines away from them. When they go quiet and zombified, it's horrific and not horrifying or amusing as it should be.

All in all, Hard Rock Zombies is not the movie it could've been, and because of that sad fact, I can't recommend it to anyone. There are many better horror comedies to enjoy. I suggest you find one; you could try looking in my Absolute Horror or Just For Laughs lists.

Okay, while I slip the latest rock LP onto the turntable so we can get physical with our freaky selves, you can take a look at my IMDb lists - Absolute Horror and Just For Laughs to see where I ranked Hard Rock Zombies - or to find something more entertaining for your visual joy.

Take Care & Stay Well.

Travelling to the redneck town of Grand Guignol, where they hope to impress a music mogul with their next show, a heavy rock band pick up a beautiful hitch-hiker who invites them to stay at her home, which she shares with her bizarre family. Once in town, the band runs into trouble with the authorities, and lead singer Jessie falls in love with local girl Cassie, but the band's outrageous rock 'n' roll antics and Jessie's blossoming romance are short lived: the musicians are murdered one-by-one by their strange hosts, who turn out to be a bunch of bloodthirsty ghouls led by none other than Adolf Hitler!

Following the band's funeral, a distraught Cassie plays Jessie's last recording—music inspired by an ancient magical book that has the power to raise the dead—which results in the pasty faced foursome clawing their way from their graves to seek revenge, and to play one last gig.

When I first saw Hard Rock Zombies, on its original video release over 20 years ago, I thought it was absolutely awful; these days, I find the film slightly more bearable thanks to its nostalgia factor (gotta love all that big hair rock!) and my unhealthy love of cheesy 80s crap. However, I still struggle to understand what the hell its makers were thinking of: were they intentionally aiming for cult status with this insane mix of rock and horror, or is the film a genuinely inept, asinine piece of trash made by a bunch of totally talentless fools? The jury is still out on that one...

The film starts off promisingly, quickly scoring points for gratuitous use of both nudity and dwarfs, but rapidly becomes a jaw-droppingly bad mish-mash of musical interludes and inept gore (courtesy of FX man John Carl Buechler), interspersed with moments of complete inanity: the dwarfs watch on as an old man (later to be revealed as Hitler) shtups his wife; the old lady turns into a werewolf; the hitch-hiker dances to herself for no reason in the desert; one dwarf eats himself; the band survive an electrocution while practising; and one guy momentarily avoids being eaten by pretending to be a zombie (beating Shaun Of The Dead to the joke by a couple of decades).

It's all utter garbage, of course, but somehow strangely compelling.