Monster Truck - Bete, dass er niemals ankommt

I saw this movie years ago, but the memories are still there, apparently, because for some reason I thought about this train wreck today. It's your standard anti-Christ good vs bad hackneyed pseudo-religious jumbled mess muddled through the clogged filter of the brilliant minds behind the Syfy channel.

The anti-Christ (AC) character was born during the sepia film era of New Jersey. I don't remember which century, but I do recall the actors not bothering with accents that might have suited the time period. AC's sister Zip or Sip or something equally improbable is supernatural herself and the only one who can control him. And by control I mean helpfully yelling "Stop!" after AC had brutally massacred a half dozen nameless extras. Who these guys are and how they got roped into AC guard duty is never explained. One doubts a job posting for such a position would get many applicants. Maybe they offer dental.

Anyway, our heroes, who by the way are to the man total jerks, decide to take AC and his sister on a road trip to Pennsylvania. I can't recall the reason. Something to do with an expiring Cracker Barrel gift card or something. It doesn't matter, they never needed to apply for a PA filming permit. The semi they're carrying AC in breaks down for some reason, AC escapes, the same extras are killed a few more times, and then the spoiler ending happens. By which I mean the ending spoils the entire reason for the movie.

Two stars for not being forgettable, despite my best efforts.

I stumbled upon the 2014 movie "Dark Haul" here in 2021. And needless to say that I had never heard about the movie prior to getting to sit down to watch it. Since I hadn't already seen it, of course I opted to give the movie a chance.

When I saw the SyFy logo on the screen, my hopes for this being possibly an entertaining or cheesy enough movie sort of went out the window.

And true enough, "Dark Haul" is your average SyFy dribble, for better or worse. Sure there is an audience out there for these movies, and every now and again SyFy does manage to churn out something worthwhile watching. "Dark Haul", however, wasn't one such movie.

The storyline told in "Dark Haul", as written by Ben Crane was essentially some very generic and mundane stuff. Things that have been seen and done before in other movies, and often so with more success. So director Colin Theys didn't really deliver a wholesome movie experience here.

The acting in the movie was as to be expected for a movie such as this. And you have Tom Sizemore on the cast list, which pretty much indicates the standard of what you are in for.

And this being a typical SyFy movie, you know you are in for some dubious special effects. And yeah, the CGI effects in "Dark Haul" were laughable to say the least. Imagine computer game graphics from the mid-1990s, and you have the level of CGI in the movie.

I endured about an hour of "Dark Haul", then I hauled myself out of the movie. I just couldn't take anymore of the generic dribble that passed by on the screen.

My rating of "Dark Haul" lands on a generous three out of ten stars.

As SyFy movies go, this was definitely a lot better than most. The creature was a bit cartoonish at times but it was pretty descent. Acting was good, even for the no name characters that usually spoil as so-so movie. I like Tom Sizemore and he did a good job as usual, he's played in this type of movies before. Didn't know any of the other actors. Body count kept me interested and the gore was not over the top or unrealistic.

Plot was original for the most part and I guessed the ending somewhat) action but didn't quite get the final scene. Wasn't sure how they wanted me to perceive the end...

A 279 year-old female with superpowers (Evalena Marie) is held captive and transported on a semi tractor-trailer with her gargoyle-like twin brother by a sect of "keepers" who are in conflict with other "keepers" over the interpretation of cryptic prophecy. Damon (Rick Ravanello) has developed father-like affection for the girl while Knicks (Tom Sizemore) thinks she's wholly evil, like her monster brother, who happens to be the inspiration for the Jersey Devil myth.

Released to TV 2014, "Dark Haul" (aka "Monster Truck") is surprisingly good, particularly compared to the typical half-baked SyFy flick (I was shocked by the low ratings). The script is well thought-out, the main cast is stalwart, the desolate wintery Northeast locations are great and the film's fast-paced & action-packed. The only negative you have to withstand is the unbiblical Catholic-tinged gobbledygook (but this is expected in a fantasy-based story). The cartoony monster CGI could be cited as another negative, but this is offset by the superb traditional F/X used in the climax where the creature looks like the devil incarnate, hooves and all.

Redheaded Evalena Marie is comely in a girl-next-door kind of way, not to mention all-around effective as the protagonist/antagonist. There are a couple of other quality women in the periphery, like Maya (Adrienne LaValley) and another brunette (which might be Kate Billard; it's hard to tell by the credits).

It short 'n' sweet at 87 minutes; and looks like it was shot in Pennsylvania, where the story takes place, or somewhere else in the Northeast (there's no verification of where the film was shot).

GRADE: A-

The meaning of cryptic prophesy splits apart a team of secretive guardians as they transport, by 18-wheeler truck, a deadly creature and its half-human sister from their now ineffective holding place to a more secure location.

Whether you see this as "Monster Truck" or "Dark Haul", it is not a bad film. Tom Sizemore, who does not appear in nearly enough films these days, leads a team in order to fulfill a prophecy... but does even he understand it? The brilliance of this script is not the hauling of a demon (which is already clever), but the demon's pairing with a very human sister. Can she be trusted? Is she too attached to the demon? What is her role in all this?