After School Massacre

For about the first thirty minutes of "After School Massacre", I kept thinking that it was like watching a porno without the sex. The line readings are stilted and awkward, the sound is poorly recorded and echoey, and the direction is almost non-existant. Every now and then the filmmakers seem to realise they are supposed to cut occasionally; this happens so seldom in the movie's opening act that it's surprising when it does. The echo on the soundtrack provides a hint that scenes at the beginning of the movie supposedly set in a teachers' lounge were obviously filmed on a breezy set.

Anyway, they move to a house where the inevitable killings start to happen, but that doesn't really matter. The movie exists to show girls in their underwear. It must have had a laughably low budget, so at least they were able to get some attractive actresses for that money who were willing to disrobe... part of the way. If you're looking for nudity, you'll be disappointed. I remember only a couple of nipples on screen, one at a time.

The plot is something to do with a teacher's aide who apparently has received a friend request from one of his students - but has not accepted it. Somehow having heard about this, the dean of students fires the teacher's aide. Not only did he not even accept the friend request, but the dean couldn't have possibly known it was sent in the first place, unless he also works as an admin for Facebook. But since when is merely receiving a friend request from a student grounds for termination? The students should just send friend requests to all the teachers they don't like, and watch them disappear.

The teacher's aide goes crazy and starts killing, but you knew that already. In this case you can almost see where he's coming from.

The action moves to a house where a group of girls are having a slumber party. They all seem too old for such things, but never mind. From this point on (and we're only at about the five minute mark) the girls onscreen will mostly only be wearing their underwear.

Struggling to think of things to say that sets this one apart from the (perhaps literally endless) number of other low budget slashers, one thing did occur to me: the kill scenes in this movie are perhaps the worst I've ever seen. They are just so lame, I can only assume that the budget went to acquiring hot girls and didn't leave any money for gore effects.

There is a character that all the girls hate because he is an obnoxious jerk... and yet he still ends up getting some alone time with at least a couple of them. This character is the only one in the movie who made the slightest impression on me, because he is so irritating. Characters who are disliked by a coterie of hot girls are usually an easy way for a film to generate some sympathy. Hell, even "Meatballs 4" managed a sympathetic goof. "After School Massacre"'s version of this character, however, is someone we share the girls' distaste for, and that's not a good thing.

None of the said girls register with personalities of their own. You can only tell them apart because they wear different panties.

One scene actually seemed to revel in this lameness and have fun with it, which featured a curling iron, something I don't think I've ever seen used as a weapon in a movie before.

The ending to the movie also comes out of nowhere and doesn't really conclude anything. I just suddenly found myself watching the bizarre credits sequence, which includes a weird sort of quasi-rap song with all the actresses dancing around, still clad in their underwear, but no longer murdered. They rap/sing something to do with "fruit on the belly", and... er... I'm just at a loss to try to explain that.

One other thing sticks out about this movie, not that I'll remember it much longer... and that's the killer's mask, which is easily the lamest I've seen in a movie. It's a ski mask which for some reason doesn't even cover his whole face: it leaves his chin exposed. I found myself wondering if they did that to make his voice more audible when he's wearing the mask.

Or maybe the filmmaker's mother had to knit the mask for the movie because they didn't have enough money in the budget to buy one from a thrift store, and she didn't finish making the mask in time before the movie was due to start shooting?

Maybe?

This movie is crap with no level acting form a 90's adult movie the story is really a good story to tell the kills were that most boring kills I have seen all part from one but I can say that it looks like they had fun making so I wasn't a complete lose but I would say don't waste you time and watch it but if you want to do

A bunch of unattractive girls in bra and panties with plastics straws, ringpops and really bad tats jumping on a bed.. Why? We don't know. But then there's the worst actress on the planet -- maybe the universe who's about to commit suicide by taking what appears to be a bottle of Tylenol.

There'sa Coolio lookalike who could easily be really homeless, a floozy mother who looks like she had plastic surgery to resemble Charo and the worst sound track you will ever hear. It's so bad, it's annoying. And too loud while people are talking.

You'll have to wait a long time for the "massacre," Which happens at the end of the movie with literally 16 minutes to go! Oh, and there is no school so why this is called After School Massacre" is beyond me.

Unbelievably bad.

If you've seen some promo shots or the trailer I reckon, you may feel that this may have some highlights. Particularly when it comes to very good looking female characters ... although characters may be giving the paper thin excuses of characters too much credit. But the thing is not that the movie is only teasing you, but refusing to give you any pleasure ... you're better off watching twitter or instagram accounts or whatever else floats your boat! That is not the main reason I rated this so low.

It is because it actually lacks in the one thing that would make this bearable. Shocking horror scenes and death scenes that might give you something. Always remembering that this is a movie obviously. The really annoying people in it - you don't really care for them, so if they would die ... well you at least would want that to be something exciting. But due to the low (or is it no?) budget of the movie, you are practically seeing ... nothing! You could turn that into positive and praise the filmmakers for inventing so many methods of cutting away or framing it in a way that you are not able to see impacts or penetrations (of killings, just in case you again got your ... hopes up).

The music video at the end is also bad ... but almost feels like something great ... maybe just watch that! You get to see all the cuties from the movie ... you can mute if you feel like your ears are being violated of course.

I've been watching slasher movies since the mid '90s, and I have 'never' been this irritated with what I was seeing. The best way to describe my feelings toward this movie is simple: I felt like I got trolled by somebody who hates slasher fans. There is no way this is a legitimate effort.

Normally I only like discussing acting in slasher movies when it's somewhat impressive, because let's face it, with these commonly low budgets it's going to be close to impossible to buy skilled actors. With "After School Massacre," the bizarre nature of 'this' level of acting is where the 'only' horror lies. This is the worst acting I have ever seen. Not only that, the acting leads us nowhere! There's no payoff for suffering through this bizarre acting and limp script. The only explanation for somebody signing off on work like this is that it was an all-out assault on all the things I hold dear when it comes to movies.

The kills, the story, the killer, the comedy, the sex, the nudity, the music, they were 'all' equally as terrible as this bizarre acting. That has to be some kind of record.

I've been hustled a few times in my life, but buying into this premise is by far the most painful duping I have ever received.