The Astrologer

The Astrologer is an absolute treat of a trainwreck, showing that one filmmaker's passion project is another man's vanity film. The history of the film is actually more interesting than the zero-budget transcendental Citizen Kane wannabe and that is saying something. One-time director/writer/producer/star Craig Denney (who may or may not have faked his own death), crafts one of the best examples of throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks you'll ever witness. There's no flow to the movie, things just happen with ideas getting dropped just as quickly as they get picked up, it's utterly deranged and yet strangely compelling. Definitely, the type of movie that begs to be watched with friends and a few beers.

"Look at this, my cosmic mirror." "Haha! How in the world did you get that?" "It's all mine."

Not to be confused with James Glickenhaus' THE ASTROLOGER (1975), this is an insane vanity feature by one-and-done director-star Craig Denney. Craig stars as Craig, a carnival psychic who reaches Charles Foster Kane levels of success over the course of 78 minutes. We follow his journey as he becomes a successful gem smuggler in Africa and Tahiti to a successful TV psychic to a successful US military asset to a successful filmmaker (naturally, the film he makes is called The Astrologer) to successful adulterer shooter. Denney packs the film with some truly bizarre montages, convoluted lunar astrology reports, and, of course, lots of shots of Denney trying to look hunky. The latter is particularly hard because he looks like a miniaturized Jim J. Bullock. It is the perfect feature for the A. D. D. Crowd because if you don't like one plotline, just wait five minutes and Denney will be onto something new.

Craig Denney was a neighbor of mine and Sandy Chadbourne was a very close friend of our family in the early 1970's. Sandy tried getting my Father as an investor in the film and he declined. The film was a flop from the get-go. Craig was really cool in many ways that I cannot divulge since I was a minor but a lot of fun to be around and had a gorgeous home in Alamitos Heights of Long Beach, CA. This was our neighborhood. I befriended him one day when he was working in his front yard. The rest is history let's just say. I know Craig passed many years ago but I have so many fun and fond memories of him and driving his 1975 White Cadillac Eldorado. My Mom liked it so much she bought one in 1976 identical to Craig's.

It's one of those movies which from any conventional angle is a really bad movie, but then again there is something indescribable about it that while not redeeming in any way, certainly launches it in the "so bad it's good" category. There is a rumor that they shot it without a script and it's either that or the script they had was just really bad. So either way, the story makes absolutely no sense and is all over the place and the editing is just ridiculously disjointed.

So on the one hand it's a really ridiculously bad movie, but on the other hand it actually isn't. I mean some of the shots are actually quite nice and must have cost a lot of money to make back in the day with a LOT of gorgeous and expensive location shoots. So it certainly wasn't cheap to make.

So it's really hard to rate the movie - because objectively it's really bad, but it has a certain charm to it and it has some really gorgeous and well done shots that you would not find in any other B-Movie.

** JULY 2021 EDIT ** This film has entered the digital ether. It is "out there" on the internet for those willing to hunt a little bit.

**end of edit**

Unique.

I just saw "The Astrologer" at the Atlanta Film Festival (April 2018). Absolutely unbelievable. It is currently unavailable on DVD, or anywhere that I could find on the web. Apparently due to the stolen Moody Blues tunes, it can only be screened theatrically.

Reading about the film on the web after seeing it, know that there is a lot of inaccurate info about "The Astrologer".

Writers have compared this film to Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" . No comparison. (It may actually be closer to Timothy Carey's "The World's Greatest Sinner", just less constrained by both financial limitations and Denny's Superego). For fans of bad movies "The Astrologer" blows "The Room" away. It's not bad the way Ed Wood or 70's Women in Prison movies are bad. "The Astrologer" is in a class by itself - and pretty much defies accurate description by the written word. I was speechless leaving the theater - dumbfounded - in awe of the ego and ineptitude.

The last two times I had as unique an experience at the movies were: 1 - the first time I saw John Waters' Female Trouble.

And - 2 - leaving Roman Polanski's "Repulsion" the entire theater exited in silence.

In other words, "The Astrologer" is one of those movies that will affect you (though it may be closer to Waters' work than Polanski's)

THE PLOT -

I'm not going to discuss the plot much because it is irrelevant to the cinematic experience one has here - and you can read about it elsewhere if you really need to know. Seeing this alone, at home on TV would be infinitely less satisfying than seeing it in a crowded theater. Like Hitchcock films, the shared movie experience absolutely enhances a viewing of "The Astrologer"

Craig Denney, director and star, has a huge ego, and then some. The story is about him. Basically it is the story of an astrologer who becomes a star, rich and famous and makes a movie about himself - exactly what Denney did in real life - though exaggerated in the film.

Along the way there is a trip to Africa for diamonds, a trip to the South Pacific, a long boat ride set to The Moody Blues' "Tuesday Afternoon" (the whole song) with a very un-toned Denney cavorting shirtless on deck. Later the love of Alexander/Denney's life falls into 'disrepute' (the room where she plies her trade is ... WOW!). You'll see color negative, cartoon blood, brief nudity, and LOTS of Craig Denney.

The editing is pretty bad and the storytelling could use a bit of tweaking. Jumps in logic, local, and coherence only slightly mar this wonderfully bad self-serving paean to Craig Denney. Is he dead? There is a death certificate, but a body was never found. Or was he sitting next to us at the Atlanta screening. He appeared to be about the right age and was the only person not laughing during the film and he left before it ended. I'd like to think it was Denney.

DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO SEE "THE ASTROLOGER" So, if it comes to your town, or anyplace within 2 hours - RUN, do not walk to see this film.