Destruction: Las Vegas

I love disaster movies, they're one of my favourite forms of light entertainment. They are full of improbable probabilities about the future of our planet; that at their best, make us take note and think, what if(?) At their worst, they usually make you laugh, even though it's unintentional.

So when I read that the writer, Meyer Shwarzstein with screenwriters Joe D'Ambrosia and Tom Teves had added a fantasy element I thought I'd give it a go...

The mistake was mine. My imagination had already given life to the synopsis... The film falls woefully short in every way.

Firstly, the acting was so awful I was wishing the cast would die off quicker. Even Frankie Muniz, who has proved he can act was terrible. The only decent actor in the whole film was Barry Bostwick who does a great job of portraying a constant gin drinking, wash-up, slightly sleazy, lounge piano player. It's because of Bostwick the film got the rating it did from me.

Secondly, the director handles the story material ludicrously. There is no way anybody is going to believe any of this modern fantasy tale. I know it's meant to be lighthearted and comedic but it even misses here. There are too many holes and continuity errors that are glaringly obvious, as well as some impossible situations. These are evident in other disaster films, though in this movie they are less forgivable because of how the story is handled. The pace and flow are so muddled it gives the movie a disjointed feel.

Thirdly, the special effects, are way below average. Though most movies of this ilk are low-budget the effects are usually well created and carried out to maximise the power and atmosphere of destruction. However, in this film they are so unrealistic my attention was actually broken, as I shook my head in disgust.

The writers and directors of this film should have watched Sharknado and others of a similar vein; then they would've had some idea on how to handle the subject material.

I couldn't in all good conscience recommend this film to anyone. Though if you find yourself kidnapped by Jigsaw and forced to watch this movie then you can take some solace in the fact that at least Barry Bostwick may keep you from going insane...

Never seen anything worst! Ultra low budget movie.

Released to TV in 2013 and directed by Jack Perez, "Blast Vegas" (aka "Destruction: Las Vegas") concerns a group of college guys vacationing in Las Vegas, three of whom steal an ancient Egyptian sword from an exhibit and unwittingly unleash a colossal sand storm with other magical things, like a huge sand cobra.

I generally like TV-budgeted MOTW (Monster of the Week) movies. "Gargoyles" from 1972 is Exhibit A. "Blast Vegas" has a great setting and an interesting MOTW, albeit ludicrous. With a setting like Vegas you'd expect a lot of comely females and the movie delivers to a degree, particularly in the first act. Most of the settings involve the group of protagonists traveling in the basements from one big casino to another (trying to stay away from the storm outside). It's reminiscent of the group in "The Poseidon Adventure" where they traveled through the unseen innards of the vessel. In regards to the gargantuan sand storm and peripheral menaces, like a deadly cobra and an escaped tiger, the producers could only do so much with a TV budget. All things considered, the CGI storm looks fine, as does the cobra, but the tiger looks too fake. Yet this is somewhat expected in a flick of this ilk.

Beyond the setting and MOTW, it's the story, characters, suspense and subtext (mindfood) where a movie like this stands or falls. The plot's good but the group of protagonists needed something. Frankie Muniz works surprisingly well as the unlikely hero, as does Barry Bostwick as his amusing supposed-mentor, a Vegas lounge lizard. The females, however, are weak, except for Maggie Castle as the non-hero's potential frumpy babe. The cast desperately needed someone like Cerina Vincent in "Sasquatch Mountain" (2006), Erin Karpluk in "Wyvern" (2009), Cindy Busby in "Behemoth" (2011) or Rebekah Kochan in "Flu Bird Horror" (2008).

As for suspense, it was okay. One sequence in particular was effective, the one involving Steven Schub as a working class thug, resentful of the "rich kids" who vacationed in Vegas. But suspense is created as much by the rising tensions between group members as the threat of the MOTW and this is the movie's weak point. The same with the subtext, which amounts to (A.) don't fool with ancient Egyptian magic (rolling my eyes) and (B.) even a likable "runt" can get the right babe if he plays his cards right. The second is good stuff, but it's not meaty enough to sustain a movie. As such, despite the numerous exciting things going on, "Blast Vegas" is curiously boring and isn't worth mentioning in the same breath as those four Syfy flicks noted above (take that as you will). However, it's still worth catching if any of the aforementioned positives trip your trigger.

The film runs 86 minutes and was shot in Indio, California (and, presumably, Las Vegas, at least establishing shots).

GRADE: C/C- (4.5/10)

Another SyFy Channel movie bites the dust... uhm, I mean sand.

Wow, this movie was really, really cheesy and bad. Sure, this is a SyFy Channel movie, but still I gave it a chance. You know, it could just happen to be one of those rare SyFy Channel gems that actually entertain and prove to be watchable. However, such was not the case.

The story in "Blast Vegas" is about an old ancient Egyptian curse striking down upon Las Vegas, with a blistering sand storm, threatening to kill all people in Las Vegas. And of course it is up to a handful of college kids on spring break to stop this supernatural curse.

Indeed, the storyline was just laughable and nowhere resembled anything that had any purpose whatsoever. There is simply no fun or entertainment to be found in this movie.

The CGI effects were bad, pretty bad. Especially because there were so many flaws and errors in them. For instance, a massive sandstorm blasts Las Vegas for a long time, yet there is no single layers of sand to be seen anywhere. And people venturing openly into this sandstorm have no problems having their eyes wide open - no sand gets into them, and then need not even shield their eyes from the stinging sand. Right, very nice touch right there.

And I just laughed so hard when the group was in the bowling alley. There were debris cluttering the desks, but nothing on the floor. But it gets better, if you pay attention to the background, all pins on the bowling lanes are still standing erect.

One thing also comes to mind, why would a Las Vegas casino have a thousand year old sword lying around where anyone could just pick it up, take it and leave with it? This was just idiotic.

Also, after a prolonged and constant blasting of a sandstorm in Las Vegas, you'd think cars and people would be off the streets, as surely there have been some kind of emergency broadcasting issued. But no, as the storm continued to roll across the city - without leaving anything covered in sand, mind you - there is still a lot of traffic on the roads.

The storyline in "Blast Vegas" is irrelevant and pointless to say the least, and you never really think that there is any overwhelming danger in any way threatening the people in the movie or the city.

The one good thing about this movie was the acting. It was sort of spoofy and held in a very low budget B-movie style. Intentionally, or just because even the actors didn't buy into this storyline and script, well, who knows? Some things are meant to remain buried underneath the sands of time, as is the case with this movie.

This movie is as bad as a summer in Indonesia, without air/con. Watching it injured my soul: ultra-bad comes to mind. It is similar in smell to old sneakers, soaked in a swamp and stuffed into Icelandic shark cheese. Life is not fair and this movie proves it. The CGI made me hate computers as a rule, despite a career utilizing them for pure purpose. Luckily, this film was commercially supported and there were some delightful adverts during the break. I've enjoyed many holidays in Las Vegas ( none of which involved the mixed-metaphors written herein) and can say safely that no great English/Egyptian sword threatens a visitor: on the contrary; beware of gonorrhea and of crabs.