Freeze

Poor acting, poor costumes, poor looking monsters and this is just the 5 min of the movie. Poor acting goes into over acting by hamming it up like a cheap thespian on stage in Bognor Regis. The creatures remind me of the Jon Petwee , Dr Who series run of rubber monsters. Seriously this movie is not worth your time because it sucks on a huge scale. 1/10 for being the worst movie to call itself an horror movie. I haven't left any spoilers in this review because there is no worthy spoilers to be given away in truth because the film is just so awful. If anyone can justify making this movie I will be astounded but I am going for tax loss reasons!

Well, I've seen it. You need to see it, otherwise you would not believe that something like this is possible in the year of 2022. If this movie would have been shot, let's say in 1925, it might, perhaps, have been a mediocre movie, despite the bad acting, the ridiculous monsters and the obvious disregard of the fact, that it is cold, in fact, freezing, when all around you is covered with snow, and so on., I do wonder who was willing to finance such a disaster, and find actors desperate enough to participate in such a movie. I guess the producer must be a very convincing person with an hypnotic aura.

I used to believe I'd happily watch any old crap if it was connected to the Lovecraft mythos. I don't believe that anymore.

There's this constant sense that you're watching adults perform in a film written and directed by precocious children. Emotional reactions and behaviour are unconvincing, to put it charitably, and you don't have to know the specifics of history to instinctively know that those uniforms, those guns, that ship, Beatrice Barrilà's hair, the Zippo lighter, a grammaphone and the pastiche of 1930s-ish orchestral jazz that's playing on it do not remotely fit together in the same year. Anything is allowed to be here as long as it's vaguely old-timey; why make any more effort than that? And that's before the captain starts Duke-Nukeming quips such as "Eat this!" or the movie's cackling villain tells the captain that his "puny human brain can't concieve" of how good and fun his plan will be, mwa-ha-ha-haaaa. That's not even the only time that character says "puny human". It's so bad.

The only reason those costumes are here - really, the only reason this film exists - is because of season one of The Terror (which, lest we forget, was set in the 1840s). It's painfully obvious. Every diversion the plot tries to make from that can only be made via yet another crudely impersonated drama: Apocalypse Now, Aliens, The Thing. Please don't think, "Hey, I like all of those things!" You won't like this. When you're watching a Deep One wriggle on the spot as if there's a musical number playing, it'll also put you in mind of The Mighty Boosh. It's hard to square the idea that this monster type is your evolutionary superior with the visual appearance of a Halloween house worker.

Cliché-riddled community theatre, and it can't even be bothered to complete its very simple mission by the time the credits roll.

When I sat down to watch the 2022 movie "Freeze", I had never heard about it, so I didn't know what I was in for, aside from it being some sort of horror movie with some amphibian creatures. And that actually sounded interesting enough to make me pick up the movie and give it a twirl.

The storyline in "Freeze", as written by Charlie Steeds, who also directed the movie, was actually entertaining. It was definitely something a bit more different than what I had imagined, as I assumed it to be another run-of-the-mill creature feature. But it turned out that "Freeze" was actually a movie taking place in the Lovecraft Mythos. See, if I had known that beforehand, I would have tracked the movie down, because I thoroughly enjoy the cosmic dread spun in the Lovecraft Mythos.

"Freeze" was a movie that definitely felt like it belonged within the Mythos, because it was somewhat reminiscent of the "At the Mountains of Madness" story from H. P. Lovecraft, but also connecting with the "Dagon" story as well. There were lots of obvious references, and also some more subtle ones.

The acting performances in "Freeze" were good. I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble in this 2022 movie from writer and director Charlie Steeds. But I will say that they put on good performances.

Visually then "Freeze" was quite good. The sets, props and wardrobe definitely felt like an era-set movie. But especially the Ichthyoids - the amphibian arctic-dwelling creatures. For being all practical effects and such, I was really impressed with what they accomplished here. Great creature designs and they looked realistic - well, as realistic as make-believe monsters can - on the screen.

If you enjoy the writings of H. P. Lovecraft, then you most certainly have to sit down and watch "Freeze", should you have the opportunity to do so. I was genuinely entertained by this movie. "Freeze" is a good addition to the cinema set in the Lovecraft Mythos, whereas many other such movies tend to be dubious results. This one is worth the time, money and effort.

My rating of "Freeze" lands on a six out of ten stars.

Don't get me wrong now, I absolutely love the horror industry, and when considering movies, I do my very best to find excuses for weaker ones. I can talk about the budget, the experience of the people involved in the making, the conditions, the meddling from the studios and so on.

Freeze failed on absolutely every aspect:

• terrible monsters. The costumes weren't abysmal but their movement, the sounds just amateur all the way.

• killshots. Whenever it is time for a killshot or for some suspense, we get fade to black and a scream.

• effects. Practical but sadly all bad.

• plot. Definitely not ok. You witness more dialogue than anything else.

• no tensions, eyecandy, nudity, gore.

Sadly it really is a prime example of how not to do a horror. For me it looked more like live theatre, also done very badly. It just did not work and it is absolutely impossible to take it serious.

You need about 15 minutes and you realise that this one...is not good.

Cheers.