Jurassic Shark

If you're an avid horror fanatic, yet you haven't got any cinematic or technical background, and you (together with a group of friends perhaps) watch a lot of terribly cheap and lame B-movies from within your lazy couch, then inevitably there will come a certain moment when you think to yourself: "I could make a much better and cooler movie myself …." Now, it's tremendously important that thoughts like these remain just thought and they cannot be processed further into concrete projects! Because if you do start to gather all your friends, family members and neighbors to film your allegedly kick-ass horror movie idea, we get crap like "Jurassic Shark"... I'm 100% convinced that director Brett Kelly and his mates were full of good intentions, and that they're actually a fun bunch to hang out with, but they simply don't have a clue about how to make a halfway decent movie. "Jurassic Shark" is amateurish rubbish of the worst possible kind and, sorry to put it this bluntly, but absolutely nobody is interested in seeing this guff. Brett Kelly probably thinks of himself that he's a movie prodigy, and his friends and family are likely too polite to tell it straight to his face, but any objective viewer will relentlessly bash his effort. When a large company drills for oil in a touristy lake, they accidentally drill too deep. That particular piece of dialog – "We drilled too deep" – gets repeated approximately a dozen times throughout the movie. So, just so you know, they drill too deep and hereby awaken a Megalodon shark that has actually been extinct for more than 200 million years. So, suddenly we have a 52ft shark (!) that is still in perfect shape despite being stuck underneath the lake's bottom for a gazillion of years, swimming around in a moderately sized pond. Brilliant! The only people courageous enough to face the critter are three hot chicks in colorful bikinis, but first they have to battle against a handful of idiotic crooks that lost their stolen painting in the lake. Don't ask… What we have? Well, let's see … atrocious acting, for starters. The performances are literally so terrible that you wished you could pull these people through the TV-screen and smack their faces. Particularly the female "gang" leader and the steroids fitness Vin Diesel copycat (who's, for some strange reason, an expert in the field of sharks and the Pleistocene era) are utmost annoying. Is it necessary that I add the special effects are the most pathetic I've ever witnessed. They vary from non-existent (people supposedly being eaten by the shark without the water surface even moving an inch) to seriously retarded computer engineered experiments. The shark constantly changes in size and at a certain point it even learns to fly and pick off people that are safely standing ashore. Some of my fellow reviewers pointed out that the effects were seemingly designed on a so-called "Etch-a-Sketch". I can't put it any better than this… I could also go on mentioning little imbecilic aspects, but "Jurassic Shark" already wasted enough of my (not-so) precious time, so behold my final statement: people with the intention to make such movies ought to be protected against themselves.

Sometimes it's unfortunate that IMDb won't allow a reviewer to give a score lower than 1, as a few films are so utterly crappy that a 1 seems way too generous...such is my feeling towards "Attack of the Jurassic Shark". This film appears inept in just about every way, with amateurish and often annoying acting, incompetent direction, some of the worst CGI I've ever seen (a small plastic shark being moved about by hand wouldn't have been much worse) and a script that is just plain stupid.

The film is set on a small island owned by a company. It's restricted so, of course, lots of young people keep appearing there! First, there are the two hot idiots at the beginning of the film, then a group of idiots led by an artistic and really angry dominatrix who is up to something and then a group of really young and stupid folks led by a girl who wants to do an exposé and impress her teacher (how cute!). Each is simply shark-fodder and although they are now SAFELY ON THE ISLAND, they still manage to get eaten! And much of the time they argue...much like you'd expect 13 year-olds to argue. In fact, they argue and whine and spout so much insipid dialog that the audience is praying they get eaten...and fast!

The bottom line is that this shark movie is so bad, so stupid and so inept that I could only see someone watching this film with some friends so they can laugh at the awfulness of the production. There is nothing positive I can say about this very stupid film.

This is perhaps the most appalling piece of art (lol) ever committed to celluloid, the acting, if you can call it that, consists of inane lines punctuated by silence while the mannequin imitating cast catch up and spout their increasingly dire reply.

The editing is a case history in how modern technology can be abused to turn a screenplay into a horror story (not for the content of the movie but for anyone viewing it who has in their life time graduated beyond watching a spinning toy above a child's cot (crib)).

From the total lack of acting skills this "thing" seems to be a product of someone who found a camera, asked a couple of friends to join in and then put together a script while eating at Chucky Cheese (or equivalent).

If those responsible ever read these reviews in future if your intending to make another movie, assuming you are not now working in a mall or a drive-thru, try to ensure the lighting is balanced, it looked like Jill (?) was having a torch shone in her eyes in the boat, and for the two girls at the start there is no need to have them splashing water at each other for 20 minutes and generally if your going to film in a stairwell again at least balance the light.

If you have nothing better to do for an hour or so (I am only 25 minutes in but stopped to write this )it is highly recommended as it truly has to be seen to be believed.

I was going to review this with all caps but ..... Don't Waste Your Time With This One. I've watched 1000's of movies and only a few have I quit watching before the end. This one is at the top of that list. Wooden acting? ... more like cement. Special effects? .... better ones could have been produced using MSPaint. Continuity? .... none that I could discern. Script and story? .... nope, didn't see any. I HAD to give it a 1 simply because there is no 0.

I have to admit that the actresses were pleasant to look at and did appear to be putting a genuine effort into their work. If this was a first film-making attempt I would be tempted to give this one a C+ for enthusiasm.

Don't waste your time. Rent Plan Nine from Outer Space instead.

Now I have watched 1000's of films over the years and quite a few terrible ones.......but this film takes the biscuit in being bad.

From the first scenes of two girls chatting they use phrases such as 'you spaz' and 'what the f'......I just knew it was going to go downhill from thereon.

Terrible over-the-top acting, poor filming/photography, lame storyline and effects that could have been done using an 'etchasketch' pad !!! To sumarise.......think of the worst film you have ever seen, times it by ten and you are still not even halfway there on how diar this was ! It doesn't even deserve a 1/10..........it makes 'Jaws the revenge' seem like the best shark film ever, if you have seen that you will understand what I mean.