2-Headed Shark Attack

When I watch a total crapfest like this, it makes me wonder how the brilliant Battlestar Galactica ever aired, especially on this Lowest Common Denominator channel. Anyone else remember when this was a GOOD channel? When they showed 50's classic, SF Pilot Playhouse, etc? Now it pummels the audience with garbage like this, filled with has beens and never were's, edits out the softcore nudity and sex (for the DVD's and Europe I imagine). Anyone remember when a B movie was worth seeing? This absolute turd sandwich of a movie featured horrible effects, worse acting and a dumb story that had really nothing going for it. I know, I know, I didn't have to watch it. I know that. But it's like being hypnotized. One wants to look away, but we can't. WE CAN'T. I'd say this, avoid at all costs, unless you want to save money on a sleeping pill. It's simply that horrible.

And let me tell you.... I busted a gut on this one. I mean I expected bad, but there really isn't a word that adequately describes the level of bad this movie broached upon. Like Ninth circle of hell bad. Like Killer Clowns from Outer Space was an Oscar Winner bad. Like .... never mind. I need another good laugh, so I have Sand shark next on my DVR to laugh through. Whoever wrote this film should be drawn and quartered and forced to sign an agreement that swears they will never write again. B rated? Thats a compliment undeserved. Who in their right mind paid to produce that film? Is there a way to negotiate your contract to NOT include this in your credits list? I know if it were me, I'd certainly explore that option.

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

** (out of 4)

If you're expecting something like JAWS then I really hope you don't rent or buy a movie called 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK. This film from the one and only The Asylum has a group of kids going out to do research when their boat is attacked by the title creature. Soon many are eaten while others stand around with dumb looks on their faces but have no fear because Carmen Electra, Charlie O'Connell and Brooke Hogan are on hand. 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is a very, very bad movie but once you realize that this is a straight-to-DVD flick from The Asylum then you realize that it shouldn't be taken serious and it's okay to laugh at it. Those old enough will probably remember in the 80s when low-budget movies like this one would attract used up, former stars and mix them in with relatives to more famous people and that's pretty much what we get here. Electra isn't the hot item she once was. O'Connell is the brother to Jerry and we all know who Hogan is. Christoper Olen Ray is even the son of cult filmmakers Fred Olen Ray. Again, if anyone goes into a movie like this expecting quality then that's their problem and not the films. The majority of the titles I've seen from The Asylum have been horrid but this one here is thankfully so bad that you can have some fun with it. Just one example is Hogan who gives one of the worst performances I've seen in a very long time. No matter if she's having fun, sad, angry or in fear she's always speaking in the same tone and delivering her lines the same way. Obviously she doesn't know how to express any sort of emotion so she just stays the same throughout all of them. Just check out the sequence where she's talking about a traumatizing event in her life and be sure to laugh it up. Electra at least still looks extremely good but she keeps her clothes on (as does Hogan in case you're wondering). The film does feature some nudity for those expecting that type of thing. The CGI sharks are poorly done but that's the type of thing you'd expect from a movie like this. The ending of the movie is downright silly as is the subplot of the island they're on is sinking. 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK is pure "Z" grade material but I'll at least give the director credit for keeping it moving at a nice pace and making it at least entertaining in a bad way.

Movie review:After posting the trailer, I just couldn't wait to watch this one. This movie was so bad, it kept my attention in between sessions of gargling hydrochloric acid to null out the pain my brain was enduring. The plot, bunch of kids charter a boat to who knows where and comes under attack, from a 2 headed shark, hence the snappy title. This movie is possibly the biggest joke I have seen, ever. The un-special effects were done by a two year old taking her first bath with a toy rubber shark. At some points the people that were eaten were larger than the shark, and others the shark was larger than the boat. The camera work was done so poorly that this was obvious. The shark had the ability to devour people that are standing in waist deep water, yet plunge straight downward into the depths of the water. When the actors, and that is the biggest insult to acting I have ever witnessed, get stranded on an atoll (i always thought that was a coral reef formation, not a makeshift island) they must figure out a way to escape. blah blah. There is not one single redeeming quality of this piece of crap, and it is hard not to swear as I am typing this. Oh, did I mention Brooke Hogan and Carmen Electra are the main attractions? They are still stuck in a cardboard box attempting to act their way out of it. All the extras were following cues from the staff so blatantly it was pathetic. "Act scared", "Act mortified at the person being eaten underwater", even though there is no way you could see it. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Do not see this movie unless you feel the need to watch a "how to not make a movie" instructional video. Worst movie ever. Now I am sure there are the "b-movies so bad they are good" people out there. Well, this is it, minus the good. Recycled scenes in a 87 minute movie, boats not moving when they are supposed to be speeding, conversations of two people on said boats and they can hear each other, the list is endless. 1.5/10 IMDb 2.6 , I guess it got scored high because two topless chicks make out in said waste deep water and get eaten. Brooke, stick with TNA (that is wrestling for the non-followers). At least that is more believable.

I'm curious as to who bank rolls movies like this? I get it, its not suppose to be a 'serious' movie; really the name of the movie says it all, however.... you've got to make the storyline at least a bit believable or at least entertaining. This movie fits in the same class as Piranha 3D and Shark Night. However i'd rather watch either of those over again before watching this movie. The acting is terrible, and if this is the platform Brooke Hogan plans on launching her acting career... I suggest she slap on some spandex and hop in the WWE ring instead. And what about poor Carmen Electra? Clearly she's needing some cash or at the least some exposure in front of the camera because her suntan scene (no nudity) was ridiculous...