Thor - Der Allmächtige

One of the worst movies I've ever seen, bar absolutely none. Special effects look like special defects, acting is so bad (except for Loki-nothing outstanding, but he looks like a genius compared to the others), it's to cry for, the plot is so simplistic it's almost scary, the dialogs are way beyond cliché, and most of the movie looks like it was filmed in a back lot. And yes, there is a dark and stormy knight.

The movie is so bad I found myself rooting for Loki, hoping he would kill Thor as soon as possible, so that the movie would finally end. But no such luck. It kept going on, and on, and on, and... I almost wish I could have knocked myself out with the hammer of invincibility.

There's 90 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

I have read other reviews of this film, and think they are being generous to talk about this film as having five characters, because I saw some people wandering around on the screen, sometimes in slo-mo, other times in no-mo, but there wasn't much character there. Cody Deal, who is he, by the way?, has the body for Thor; too bad they kept it covered up most of the time with a Wal-Mart quality costume. He doesn't have the voice for this kind of hero, however, and I kept waiting for him to just stop talking.

Richard Grieco has acting skills, which unfortunately he left back in the 1980s and neglected to bring along to this film. The rest can go without mention.

As for the plot, well, it is hard to talk about plot here. Thor is supposed to save the world by defeating the evil devil-god Loki in the back alleys of Los Angeles, and every other low-budget location that could be had for a hundred bucks and some coffee-shop coupons. Round this out with computer animations and enhancements straight off of my old Commodore 64 computer, and you get a major horror film, but perhaps not the kind of horror really intended. Someone was channeling Ed Wood here for sure. We just needed burning paper plates doubling as UFOs to complete the effect, and hey, there's an idea for a sequel! Syfy and Asylum were looking to cash in on the bigger Thor picture in theaters now (apparently this Thor auditioned for that role, too; in what universe was that going to happen?) but apparently Brannagh's Thor isn't hammering the crowds, either, in real blockbuster fashion.

Well, I guess this is the season for Worse rather than Norse.

Wow… almighty I think not. I saw the ads playing on TV and it actually looked like it might be some harmless, no-brainer fun. Terrible, but fun. Well it was a no-brainer. As this limited made-for-TV Scy-fy feature (from The Global Asylum productions) was a lousy superhero knock-off with little in way of entertainment and even unintentional laughs in this role-playing venture. It reminded me of those Hercules / Xena TV episodes, but they were better. Other than Cody Deal's humorously awkward delivery of his lines and overall whiny attitude as Thor, this mockery was rather drab and repetitive. How many times do I have to watch Richard Grieco as the demonic god Loki wandering around the woods and streets. At least with that wandering, he did look badass in his get-up while also frowning a lot but at least there was a purpose for that constant wandering… in search of Odin's Hammer of Invincibility. So there's a lot of walking (bad guys), then running (good guys) and but also yelling. I don't know why… but yelling seems like the only way to get something across. Especially Thor. Constant arguments with Patricia Velasquez'z helpful character. But even when danger is around (dogs of hell and the CGI) or there's a chance to finish things off, people decide to stand around explaining things that just don't need explaining. Maybe it's because Thor is just so stupid, you just wish Locki would finish the job… "…Not quite!". When it comes to the jerky action, for most part it's done in awesome slow-motion to simply enhance the epic, if lumbering fight choreography. It's no effect, they are virtually fighting in slow motion. One move after another. While watch round after round as Thor gets beaten up by Locki. Every encounter is basically the same and Thor is too dumb to realise training would help. But no he must kill Loki… NOW! Quite awe-inspiring, just like the powerful dialogues with a message at heart. However where is else to you get to see Thor toting a machine gun… yep a machine gun… against a god… and he did have the hammer at his use. It figures, as its lack of imagination shows. Also showing up in a small part is Kevin Nash as Odin.

"I don't believe in fate."

I caught this on Syfy, and I wish I could make them take it back. The plot centered around Loki trying to destroy the earth by killing Yggdrasill, the tree of life. I don't remember if either Thor or Loki mention it by name; I got the impression they couldn't pronounce actual Nordic terms if their paychecks depended on it. Not only this, but Loki keeps talking about Ragnarok, and it is obvious the writers had no idea what the term means. They would probably also call people in a blimp "the Rapture." Anywhoo, the whole plot requires Loki to steal Thor's hammer. Why this is difficult is never made clear, because Thor is a major beefcake meathead. He sounds like a surfer and spends most of the movie looking like he needs a diaper change. Some woman named Jarnsaxa spoon-feeds him every move, which is amazing because she is practically unintelligible--a fact made even more painful when they do vocal effects and her words could not be deciphered even by CIA software.

I won't spoil the ending, because the director and writer already did that. Suffice it to say that it involves a trip to Hell; not HEL, the Nordic afterlife and the goddess thereof, but basically the Christian Hell--fire, lava, the whole ball of melting wax.

Watch this if you need a good laugh; there isn't an ounce of real heroism or grandeur in the whole mess. My biggest disappointment was Richard Grieco, who can be an effective menace but here comes across as a street punk with a wand and a skin condition.

The simple answer is quite possibly yes.

The joke is though that this film is so bad that you can't even laugh at it.

I found myself cringing at the appalling dialogue. The CGI was very poorly done and the camera work in general was very dodgy to say the least with lots of shaking.

The "acting" (if you can call it that) was appalling. Whether or not this is due to the poor directing or that they are actually that bad (which I fail to believe) is unforgivable, and some might even say criminal. As someone who has done some acting, if I was in this steaming heap, I would want my name removed from the credits.

This is defiantly one to avoid if you value your time. It is 1 hour and 30 minutes I will never get back.

Even Alan Smithee wouldn't want to put his name to this.