Königreich der Gladiatoren

First, I will tell what was good. The backdrop was some really spectacular country. A huge castle, a beautiful lake, wonderful meadows and mountains.

That was the high point. From there, it all went down hill really fast. I barely could discern a plot. There was a lot of very poorly slashing and hacking by people who couldn't act.

There was no "gladiatorial" combat. That was a very specific tradition of fighting. I don't even know why they used the word.

A movie like this that teases you with "sensual" needs to have some good get down naked by the end. They didn't.

It was like the guy got access to the castle for a weekend and got his buddies to come in and shoot the movie. They wanted to make a Conan movie but what came off was a confusing mess.

B movies must surely now have a new "best of the worst ever" because this HAS to have been made as a dare. I beg for an explanation of how this got past censorship as being too cruel to an audience. Truly, movies are not these guys' strong suit. For those now curious to see this still, I feel like a guy waving his hands at oncoming traffic, warning them of the horrendous wreck just around the next bend. Slow down ! Don't go there ! You'll end up part of the pile-up ! If these people truly got financed to the tune of $3 mil to make this, then all I can visualize is a bunch of guys laughing as they skip the country with the cash. Oh, wait, they're in Italy... Do we have an extradition treaty with them ?

Boy oh boy, what do we have here? To call it a steaming pile would be accurate, but as this is a SPECIAL type of bad film, we must dig deeper. The only possible reason for it's existence is that everyone involved lost some kind of major bet, or perhaps they were inflicted with some kind of temporary insanity. Either way, I bet they're disowned by their parents, grandchildren, pets etc. and quite right too. I would rather confess that one of my nearest and dearest was a chicken molesting hermaphrodite than admit they had any function in this...

But I'm getting ahead of myself... Where can I start? The opening scene is that of a very ugly man who OVEREMPHASISES EVERY WORD HE SAYS. He reminded me of a failed Shakespearean actor, who thinks talking in a loud, pompous voice shows emotion range. Guess what, it doesn't. We have to tolerate this idiot throughout, and it is my sincerest wish he is now reduced to playing the back end of a donkey on Brighton Pier.

And that's just for starters. Next up we find out that in this fictional world, everything is like in the Dark Ages. Except... there are tattoos, infra-red glasses... and BOOB JOBS. Yep, it's true... Check out the brunette 'warrior' when she walks in her scanty chain mail... them puppies don't bounce an inch. It's funny, but not hilarious as the accents, which vary between English, American and Gord-Knows-What. Strange place, these people inhabit. And just like the previously mentioned guy, none of them can act for toffee. If he's the rear of a donkey, perhaps they can play his manure. After all, they already stink at their job, so they're halfway there.

See the word GLADIATOR in the title and you think, there's gotta be some good fights, right? WRONG my friend. COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRONG. We're a long way from Russell Crowe here. We're talking more like fake WF wrestling matches here, with lots of cheesy little moves from fools in bad costumes. But even Hulk Hogan and co would be embarrassed by the terrible computerised blood and non-stop camera shaking going on, and the sum total is like one long self-made parody. If only it was...

And with the final revelation that the bad guy is one big Jim Henson puppet, the movie finally comes to a rest. Not me though... I'll be having nightmares about the experience for days. I would send the director the bill for my therapy, but on this evidence I doubt he could afford it. Maybe I'll be nice, and throw a penny into his tin cup on my way to the psychiatrist's. I know... I'm all heart... 1/10

It is a rare gem. B-Movie with sword-fighting boobies and hot villain in it. What else would you want for "so-bad-that-its-good" type of thing? Apparently nothing, but the director put incredible effort to make it unwatchable.

Movie starts with a king (who looks more like aged, retired postman (No offense to the honest postmen)) sitting in a field moaning about all the sins he have committed. He asks God for forgiveness, but all he gets is creature in a cape who is supposed to sound scary. Creature proposes deal to the king and before the latter answers anything, creature seals the deal.

Bad, bad, cheater creature with a cape.

Now the postman... sorry, his highness postman, has to give all his children to the bad, bad, cheater creature with a cape, but apparently decides to cheat too with her daughter Luna.

Years after, His highness Mr. Cheater Postman celebrates something with annual gladiatorial fights, when suddenly her HOT lost daughter arrives.

Then there is CGI-blood, female gladiator with big bottom, big breast and big head, something waking up, ugly woman warning the king about curse, more CGI-blood, bad fighting scenes, bad sex scene and ending credits.

It INDEED is one of the worst movies ever made in any country.

This was a terribly directed and badly put together movie.

Even with bad acting, a better script and better editing this could have been a great story, I really wanted to know more.

Was very drawn out, and full of over acting. So much so that it was hard to follow what was actually going on.

Fight scenes were slow, and very little for a gladiator movie.

The one and only good thing about this movie was its location, truly spectacular.

I would not recommend watching this movie, unless you like wasting your time. I am sorry I did.