The Lords of Salem

When it was first announced that Rob Zombie was working on another movie, I was thrilled, as I had thoroughly enjoyed his previous movies, and as I am also a big fan of his music. And it was with great expectation that I followed the bits and pieces of information leaked/released about the movie up until it was finally released.

And now having seen it, I sit here with my expectations and hopes totally shattered. The movie was mostly an odd mixture of bits and pieces of incoherent imagery that had the usual Rob Zombie trademark touch to it, yes, but in overall the story got lost along the way in the imagery. And as such, the movie was a rather dull experience.

Storywise, then it wasn't particularly captivating or innovating. The story is about Heidi Hawthorne (played by Sheri Moon Zombie) who receives a strange record at the radio station where she works together with Herman 'Whitey' Salvador (played by Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Herman Jackson (played by Ken Foree). The haunting tune on the record opens up to the dark and sinister past of the witching era of Salem, unleashing power that were better left in the past.

Out of the entire cast, then I think it was actually Bruce Davison (playing Francis Matthias) who did the best job, and made the most memorable impact with his acting. The rest of the cast did good enough jobs, but it just didn't fully shine through.

Don't get your hopes up too high, unless you are into weird imagery that doesn't necessarily need to have a solid supporting story to be interesting. But, personally, I wasn't entertained by this movie, and I actually had my smartphone out at a point and was playing Jewels Star.

I suppose everyone throws a swing and a miss every now and then, and for me, then this was one such instances from Rob Zombie.

Before I begin my review, I should probably start by saying that I'm actually quite a big fan of Rob Zombie the musician (including White Zombie), and I also liked his first two movies (House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects) very much - and I hated the first Halloween-remake so much, that I didn't even want to see the second one he directed, which allegedly should be even worse.

So, with that in mind, here's my review: The film is about a young, trendy rock-radio DJ, Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie), who suddenly finds herself in the middle of an occult Satan-worshiping witchcraft scheme, because her ancestors did something bad 400 years ago or something.. She's sent an old, crusty LP, which she (of course) plays on the radio, even though it's just a bunch of creepy, monotonous notes, played over and over again, giving all the local women in the town zombie-like headaches.

Now, this isn't just all there is to the story, but it just as well might have been, as the plot doesn't really seem to develop much from that point on. The movie is all about setting a mood, showing creepy images, and basically just making the viewers generally uncomfortable - which it actually succeeds doing. I felt bad watching this, but strangely attracted to it at the same time.

The cast is pretty good actually, with Jeff Daniel Phillips and Ken Foree as the other two radio-hosts, and Bruce Davison as the historian who tries to get to the bottom of this whole witch-thing going on. The problem is just, that the movie doesn't really go anywhere with it's plot, and it's not really a slasher-movie or exorcism-movie, which you could expect. It's purely about making you feel miserable, and that's not (always) a good thing.

Oh, by the way... if you're expecting to see a lot of Sid Haig and Michael Berryman, think again, as they've only got small non-talking, not-interesting cameos. Meg Foster is pretty good as the witch-"queen", though.

"Fate leaves you no choice. It is predetermined by forces stronger then ourselves." Heidi Hawthorne (Zombie) is a DJ at a local radio station. One night as she is leaving she receives a record from a local band. Playing it when she gets home she begins to feel strange. When a local man starts to investigate the song they played he starts to uncover a horrifying secret. This one overall isn't that bad but I think it was more disturbing then scary. I have only seen the Halloween remakes by Rob Zombie and not the other ones he has done but I still had an idea of what to expect and for the most part I was right. The movie,while it was OK and kept me watching did seem slow and repetitive in parts, really just seemed like a movie he wrote as a reason to show off his wife. Bruce Davison is good in this and he really helps the movie out. There is a ton of Satan worship in this so if that bothers you avoid this...but since it's a Rob Zombie movie you kind of expect something like that anyway. Overall, nothing that amazing, but also not that bad, an OK rent for me...horror fans may really like this more then I did though. I give it a B-.

I can start by saying, at least at times this movie was a visual treat. I can't say all the time, though. The majority of this movie was Sheri wandering around aimlessly from location to location, where the script highlighted her laughably bad acting. I can't say she is by any means a bad actress, this movie just never gave her an opportunity other than to sleepwalk. Sleepwalking is probably the best way to describe this film, which takes a rather interested premise and manages to bore the death out of everyone with it. Literally the only saving grace is the orgasmic last 1/6th of the movie, without it this score would've been borderline 1. Also, I will add, for a musician to be making this film, I expected a far greater soundtrack.

Where did this go wrong? First thing comes to mind is the decision to make this a feature film. This film had about as much content as a short film, and if it would've stuck to this route, IMO, it would've been much better. The film almost consists of entirely filler. The first time we are introduced to the Salem witches it is a visual treat, the 10th time it has long warn thin. I'm just wondering why Hollywood can't seem to make a witch movie right. The Craft is usually pointed to, but upon second viewing the Craft is nothing special. Don't bring up Hocus Pocus, either. It seems that witch movies tend to be so poorly done, and it is such a shame. I really wanted Lords of Salem to bring something new to the table.

What we got instead was every horror cliché in the book, terrible acting, horrific soundtrack, filled with at least an hour of pointless filter.

This film far from accomplishes what it set out to do, though, I must admit, towards the end I had a smile on my face. It was a sad reminder of exactly what this film could've been. 4 out of 10.

I've never been a huge fan of Rob Zombie. There's something so sophomoric and immature about his writing style as if he's a 13 year old boy amusing his friends by dropping f-bombs and playing The Misfits. There doesn't usually seem to be a lot below the surface of his film, but imagine my surprise when I watched Lords of Salem and found myself loving every bizarre minute of it.

Zombie has dispatched of the white trash and "edgy" characters that typically populate his films and has given us a mature, stylish, and remarkably unsettling witchcraft story that feels like it could have been made my some European auteur in the 70's.

From the very first scene, Lords of Salem pulls us in with a disturbing prologue featuring a terrifying performance by Meg Foster (who goes for broke) as the head of a coven of witches. She vows to control all the women in Salem. Years later, a DJ plays a mysterious record on the air that ends up doing just that - controlling all the women of Salem to do the witch's bidding.

Lords of Salem is a surreal, nightmarish, and bizarre film that I'd compare to the works of Kubrick, Russell, Fulci, and Argento. It has a few missteps here and there, but it's a satisfying and unforgettable film.