Seven Cemeteries

Cheap Mexican modern western that makes little sense, but it's kind of fun. Imagine Danny Trejo coming out of prison, where he spent 28 years with 5 minutes off for good behavior, in order to be the hero a Mexican woman needs to save her farm from the local gang barons and corrupt cops. And he does it with a bunch of ineffectual undead former associates. At 80. How is that not fun?

If you want actual action, special effects that are more expensive than 15$, a meaningful story or acting of any sort, this is not the film for you. But if you want to see a very low budget Mexican The Magnificent Seven with a few lines that make you chuckle, you may enjoy this.

I like Danny Trejo. I think he's an awesome guy and a badass. But his movies are almost universally awful. This does not mean I don't own more than one of them.

So I didn't expect much from this one, and at the time I'm writing this the rating is 4.3 so that didn't bode well. However, I was surprised-pleased, actually-that it wasn't near as terrible as I'd prepared myself for. Yes, it's low budget and the sfx are poor. The plot is pretty thin but consistent. Trejo is Trejo and the other actors earn their meager paychecks. There's some humor and its short runtime keeps you from getting bored or overthinking. Seriously, I don't get the hate. It's not so bad if you have a sense of humor and like Ramirez movies.

And I must be the only one who recognizes that this is a zombie takeoff on "The Magnificent Seven." It gets an extra point just for that.

Now, while I hadn't heard about this 2024 movie titled "Seven Cemeteries", I still opted to give it a chance, as I stumbled upon it by random chance here in 2025. Sure, I wasn't harboring the biggest of expectations to the movie.

Writers John Gulager and Joel Soisson put together a fairly enjoyable script. It certainly was something unique, I will say that much. And yeah, it was actually a watchable enough movie, I will say that much.

The movie does have a pretty good cast ensemble, and there are some familiar faces on the cast list, with the likes of Danny Trejo, Lew Temple, Efren Ramirez, Noel Albert Gugliemi and Vincent M. Ward. The acting performances in the movie were fair.

The scene where one of the zombies readjusted his broken neck was so cringeworthy to watch. It was some of the worst looking CGI effects I've seen in a long, long time. It was so fake that even a blind person would go "really?" But other than that, then the effects in the movie were actually fair.

A watchable movie, for sure, but hardly one that warrants more than just a single viewing.

My rating of director John Gulager's 2024 movie "Seven Cemeteries" lands on a five out of ten stars.

When it comes to a Trejo movie, one always knows that it can go either way, can be a great treat like Desperado or Bad Ass, or it can be some terrible , basically unwatchable garbage.

Seven Cemeteries is somewhere between the two, but closer to the latter. The few raving reviews out there are clearly fake, calling this magnificent and wonderful is ridiculous.

It is still watchable, if only barely. It's incredibly amateurish, as if a bunch of high school kids banded together with a phone as a camera and grabbed a few random guys from the local diner to goof around and call it a movie. There is hardly any story, the acting is basically non existent, dialogues and the script in general are extremely simplistic. The pacing is totally off, at least half of the very short runtime is spent with a slow build, with very little payoff in the end. Let's not even mention the "special effects"... Still, it has a little bit of charm, a few small chuckles. All I can say is that it's not entirely terrible.

Seven Cemeteries is a really fun shoot 'em up flick with a hispanic theme. If you're serious about film, don't bother. This isn't for you. If you like silly, fun, action movies that don't take themselves seriously then this is right up your alley. This is a movie to enjoy with friends and chill out.

Danny Trejo pretty much plays Danny Trejo. Just got out of jail. Comes across a woman in distress and reluctantly comes to her aid. His new (old) posse are a hoot. I won't say much more because I don't want to spoil anything. The blood and gore might be a bit much for people who don't see that stuff very often, but we all thought that it added humor (intentionally).

It was much better than I expected. .