Kill Her Goats

Yeah, that was a swing and a miss...

Stumbling upon the oddly titled "Kill Her Goats" horror movie here in 2023, of course I opted to watch it, given my love of the horror cinema. However, I have to admit that I wasn't all that thrilled about it, as the movie had managed to land a staggering 2.9 rating here on IMDb when I sat down to watch it.

However, opting to give the movie the benefit of the doubt, I still found the time to sit down and watch what writer and director Steve Wolsh had to offer.

And I couldn't sit through the entire 99 minutes that the movie ran for. I managed to endure a staggering 51 minutes of the most immature and pointless writing for a script that I have seen in a long, long time. There was no contents to the script, no proper storyline, and it was essentially all about showing off scantily clad women in various degrees of undress having a sleepover of sorts. That was about it. Nothing worthwhile sitting down to watch here actually.

Needless to say that I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble in "Kill Her Goats". Nor can I say that I was impressed with anything I saw, because the actresses on the cast list virtually had nothing to work with in terms of script, character gallery or dialogue. Perusing through the cast ensemble listed on IMDb, I must admit that I am very, very surprised to see Kane Hodder on the cast list for this movie. Three words come to mind here; Kane Hodder, why?

The movie's best aspect was the cover and the whacky title.

It should be said though, that the movie actually does have a fair production level to it. But that really did nothing to alleviate for the immense shortcoming of an immature and pointless script, non-distinct characters and wobbly dialogue.

If you enjoy horror movies, take heed of the movie's low rating and give writer and director Steve Wolsh's 2023 horror movie "Kill Her Goats" a wide berth. It simply isn't worth the time, effort or money.

My rating of of "Kill Her Goats" lands on a two out of ten stars. And believe you me when I say that I am not even going to bother returning to watch the rest of the movie; I just simply didn't care about the non-existing storyline or the flaccid character gallery.

Considering the cast entirely consists of Onlyfans sex workers...it's not surprising that the best thing about this film is the boobs.

The question is...if it's written like a porn; shot like a porn; and cast like a porn...does that make it a porn?

Probably.

But there definitely weren't enough goat-man sex scenes for my particular taste.

There are a healthy amount of boobs, however.

And they are very nice boobs.

So it has that going for it, at least.

But the plot is totally inconceivable.

What we do know, is that one of the girls has purchased a beach house known as the Tupp House (fresh out of college, no less. So, from the proceeds of her Onlyfans, no doubt).

You are led to believe the house has some sort of storied, probably violent, history.

But they make no attempt to explain what that actually is.

Instead, choosing, to keep you distracted with more boobs.

The writing is also hilariously bad.

Though, you can't help but be amazed that the actresses were actually able to remember the lines without a teleprompter.

Good for them.

The whole thing is so poorly constructed, that you can actually watch the entire thing...and have literally no idea what it's about.

Eventually, the goats do show up, though.

And that's when things start to get epic.

Because, not only does the one goat-man have a DOUBLE freaking chainsaw!!!

Another of the goats has boobs.

Cause, why not?!

Right?

I guess that makes them more furries than goats, though.

So the secret must be that the Tupp's were a family of goat-themed furries, or something, I suppose.

Either way, after reading this, you'd probably think that it's a completely unwatchable film (considering there's no actual goat sex in it).

But, oddly enough, there's just enough boobs in it, to keep you engaged.

At least long enough for you to realize the goats don't get to smash.

A missed oppourtunity, if I've ever seen one.

To their credit, however...the ending is actually unpredictable.

It might not make a whole lot of sense.

But it's doubtful you would see it coming.

So, there's that too, I guess.

Was This A Porn?

I Still Can't Tell.

But If The Goats Aren't Getting Laid By The Sequel...They're Not Playing Their Cards Right.

2 out of 10, cause...boobs.

Kill Her Goats is an amusing, low budget horror for the right crowd. It is shot very competently and has great practical effects.

The dialogue is hilariously bad, and is really what keeps this film entertaining. The film's weakness is in the pacing and editing. Sequences are just far too long and this film could have been chopped down quite a bit. I wouldn't say I was ever bored though. The characters talking to themselves, saying very out of the box things kept my attention.

Not a great movie by any means, but for fans of straight to disc/streaming horror, there might be something there for you. A 6/10 because I'm feeling generous.

I don't even know what this was.

It's like they asked a 12 year old to wirte a horror movie. And he was like "ok, what's it about?" And they said "nothing". But it's called "Kill Her Goats". So...involve goats in some way.

And the he was like "ohhh killer goats"...I got it.

And they said "no, goats have nothing to do with it. But you like boobs, right? " And he said "yeah". And made this movie.

There's literally a line towards the end where a chick says "why are there goats?". I don't think it was even in the script.

I almost recommend it just because of how absurd it is.

It's like a Rob Zombie film if Rob Zombie was a child.

How can a reviewer write 600 words on this mess of a movie?

A slasher movie needs to have certain things to make it in the genre such as:

1. Tits! Yep, plenty of visuals there. From the opening scene gravity and skin interact. I might add that Ms Raycene more than contributes in that area

2. Bums! Yep, plenty of visuals there as well. Bouncing bums aplenty.

3. Acting? This movie has such little competent thespian qualities that Ms Raycene almost hits the mark. I said almost because the final scenes end in an incoherent bloody mess.

4. Plot? Well there is a plot but it's gossamer thin and in the end the director lost control of the movie.

I really need to watch again to work out the plot but life is too short and watching this mess is just painful.

So how to you rate a movie like this? Well, it gets one point for the tits and bums and another point for the copious amounts of (fake) blood.

Oh what the hell, I'll give it another point for Ms Raycene's bust.

I'm giving it a generous 3/10 and I want my wasted time back!