The Last Seven

Lets cut to the chase here, this is quite a bad film; in much the same way that Hitler was quite a naughty boy.

Its sole redeeming features are the initially interesting shots of London. After 10 minutes of nothing but however i found myself desperate for some actual drama and character interaction.

Not in this film you don't! Armed with a woefully clumpy and clichéd script, the actors manage the impressive task of actually worsening it in the delivery.

Philips chooses to adopt random unconvincing shouting as his tactic of choice, often cunningly contrasted with whispers, presumably to try and shake any remaining audience from the inevitable coma they will have slipped in to.

Meanwhile the usually dependable Hassan vainly tries to rough it and gritty up the tension a bit, only to realise he's inexplicably trapped in a film thats so soporific, it not only couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag, it would shatter every bone in its frail lifeless body upon the slightest hint of contact.

The only thing that actually piqued my interest (sadly for all the wrong reasons) was Mawson's turn as Henry. His ridiculous ham-fisted sloshing and bizarre facial extremes were only enhanced by his delivery of every line as if he were shortsighted and reading it off a cue card for the first (and hopefully last) time.

This is tripe that gives stomach lining a bad name. As a nation we supposedly produce the finest actors and writers in the world, so what are these gormless half-wits doing on the big screen gleefully kicking this festering equine corpse? Avoid this film, unless you are either related to someone associated with it, or suffering from insomnia.

Cynical maybe, but then so is a C- grade short stretched to a feature, with Danny Dyer hired to front it, whilst playing less of a prominent role than the girlfriend of its creator.

Lord have mercy.

Film tastes vary greatly, I am aware of this. Films that I love have been described to me as "boring" many times over the years. 'Rushmore' , 'The chaser', 'Halloween', all apparently "too slow", or I'm told that "noyhing happens". Well THIS is a movie where absolutely nothing happens for the entirety of it's excruciating running time (anything between 85 mins and a couple of months, depending on how you quantify time). I really have never been so bored in my life, it's as if Uwe Boll found a discarded script by Terence Malick and didn't really get it. Flashbacks featuring Danny Dyer crop up to piece together the supposed plot and it's final twist, and in the hope that all would be revealed and I could switch this piece of garbage off, I welcomed every scene that Dyer appeared in. And I never, ever thought I'd say that. It was not very good.

The movie is pretty easy to work out, having said that if your attention span isn't that good you will soon be turning it off. I was hoping it would be better But it isn't.

I despair for the British horror film genre. I really do.

In the space of just a few weeks I've watched this and Dead Cert, two prime examples of films that had promising premises but totally ballsed it up with inept direction and editing, lousy dialogue and rounded off with some truly pathetic acting.

I grew up in the 60's and 70's watching delights such as The Abominable Dr Phibes, Dr Terror's House of Horrors, Asylum, From Beyond The Grave, Tales From The Crypt, Frightmare, House of Whipcord, Scream and Scream Again, Theatre of Blood and many more.

These films had real actors, decent scripts, filmmakers who knew and understood the genre, not fly-by-nights trying to make a quick buck by dolling out any old rubbish.

Apart from Severance I haven't seen a decent British horror film in ages, and if today's filmmakers keep serving up crap like The Last Seven then my despair looks set to continue.

The Last Seven is amateur night crap, avoid!

I actually thought the opening scenes were brilliant and fascinating to watch, albeit he was wandering streets around Bank which are deserted for much of any weekend, but enough to reel you in & put yourself in the position, particularly on Tower Bridge.

But the film then achieves a feat, surely never done before but going rapidly downhill the moment other characters & words are introduced into the plot.

It never really goes anywhere after that, the opening 50 minutes felt more like the opening episode of The Last Train, Survivor, or a relatively low budget TV mini series, when you realise there's only 30 minutes left and the film hasn't really started.

It then all gets even sillier, even more unrealistic and uninterested characters, you've never cared one iota for disappear with the help of over the top editing and flashbacks.

You can't help wondering why not one of them, ever got into a car or on a bike and rode off somewhere, instead of walking for 10 minutes, then stopping to rest for a few hours.

Worth watching for the first 15 minutes, then you're better off making up your own film from then - with the likelihood it'll end up better.