Universal Soldiers

Maybe I need to re-order my bottom 5 Asylum movies, because Universal Soldiers is deserving of a spot there. You can really tell how low on budget the film was, the editing is the choppiest of any film I've seen in a while, while the scenery is dully lit and the effects are incredibly fake-looking, most of them don't even look like what they were meant to be. Even the props are bad, there was one that looked as though it was made of wood but seeing as the prop broke it could as well have been made of the cheapest plastic anybody could find. The music is repetitive, has no momentum whatsoever and actually feels dated, while the sound effects verge on bizarre, some even are repeated over and over again. The script is stilted and feels too talky often, while the story is so thin in structure and so ponderous in pace that you question whether there is one at all and when there is the all too few signs of one it's predictably done. The characters are annoying and are never developed, while the acting from everybody involved reads of everybody just improvising in a very bored way on screen. Overall, Universal Soldiers is an awful film that has no life to it. 1/10 Bethany Cox

I was unlucky enough to run across a screener for Universal Soldiers.

IMDb doesn't offer a low enough rating for this direct-to-video turkey, and even Kristen Quintrall's frequent near-display of her rather ample charms in a tank top doesn't help it out.

In a done-before scenario of a mixed group of military, CIA and civilians trying to overcome impossible odds and live through the story, we get a trite little tale that's all too predictable. We're presented with a cast of characters who between them can't come up with a single likable entity, bad acting, horrendous dialog that's poorly delivered (mostly at a screeching shout), mediocre special effects and an overall waste of time. And talk about exotic location...the entire (mostly outdoor) flick was probably shot on less than six acres of semi-arid, hilly land.

In fact, the one thing this painfully bad "movie" has going for it is that it's blessedly short at an hour and 24 minutes including ego screens at the beginning and credits at the end. Do yourself a favor.

Go watch paint dry, or grass grow.

You'll get more pleasure out of it.

For those that think that the Asylum only puts out crappy Z-rated excruciatingly bad horror films, like such stinkers as "Halloween Night", "Massacre at Cutter's Cove", and "Snakes on a Train", you'd be dead wrong as they also put out crappy Z-rated excruciatingly bad sci-fi films like this one. Despite the title, this has absolutely NO relation to the Universal Soldier films, and owes much much to Predator and terminator (not to tarnish either of those two classics by comparison trust me). Anyways in this putrid little number, a group of the most highly ineffectual members of the military since "Hills have Eyes 2" are stalked by the lamest looking Borg-wanna be cyborgs that I've ever seen. Most of the film the enemy is off-screen, substituted by lame-ass predator-vision so it relies on the characters whom are all cliché boring cardboard cutouts that you truly don't care if they live or die. The ending in particular is so laughably atrocious that one can't help but feel their brain liquefying just by viewing it.

My Grade: F

This film is terrible. Truly awful. However, watched with friends whilst drinking it becomes one of the funniest films I have ever seen.

The acting is stupendously bad. The Storyline is non-existent. The Marines are the most incompetent people in the world. The special effects are laughable. The music is bad..very bad. I could go on and on...

BUT WAIT! This film is terribly (empahsis on terribly) amazing for the following:

The black guy - He is unintentionally hilarious! From his screaming down the radio, to his "fall-out" line when their not even falling out. But for me, the greatest piece of cinema I have ever seen in my life was when he did his super marine roll through the air for no reason whatsoever. It has to be seen to be believed.

All in all, don't watch this film is you expect some kind of masterpiece. Only watch it when intoxicated and with friends.

This movies has them all: story line, drama, action, love, sex, special effects. No, I didn't lost my mind, I was just jocking it's a COMPLETE GARBAGE.

It goes around a failed experiment and that's about it with the story line. The characters are weak, but why do you need strong characters when everything is about shooting aimlessly and getting killed. Most of the actors I think were hired on "the cheapest we can get" premises.

You can watch this as an alternative to a Comedy or a Documentary. It is actually funny how bad the roles and the actors are, and you can consider it a case study about bad movies.

Well done Griff Furst, keep trying, by mistake you will eventually make something good.