Invasion of the Pod People

I watched the whole of Invasion of the Pod People with low expectations. Asylum makes rip-offs. But I didn't expect it to be this bad.

In terms of content, I can't figure out what we were supposed to see. Clothed humping? Naked women caressing each other? The movie was labeled (in a ten-pack) as a sci-fi movie, however it has elements of horror and random sex scenes thrown in, presumably just to appeal to the adult audience in the most effort-free way possible.

From a technical perspective, this movie is bad. The video looks decent but it's almost completely devoid of special effects. The audio is horrible -- the models' main office sounds like it's located right next to a loud washing machine. (And you KNOW it's the main office because the girls have nowhere else to go when they need to talk.) In outside scenes, people's voices are occasionally overpowered by the wind.

The dialog is horrible. Often I had to rewind and listen to the dialog again just to see if it made as little sense as I thought:

Zach: "I'm here to warn you. 'Cuz if you don't warn other people, there'll be nobody, like you, left." Melissa: "who?" Zach: "them."

Gun shop owner: "Maybe you should think about a shotgun, it only shoots in four directions... north, south, east, and west."

The girls' competence wavers drastically. One girl cannot figure out long-standing relational problems she has that are more than obvious to the viewers, and her friends. However she has a Sherlockian moment when she is able to accurately predict more about the aliens than even the audience knows.

But as the movie progresses, I start to wonder how horrible the pod people are (besides their tendency to constantly repeat "we just want to help you"), versus the regular people in this story. Before their transformations the men are hyperactive, the women are snobbish and whiny. Afterwards, everybody is extremely kind and easygoing. The Pod People seem to resort to violence only when absolutely necessary, feeling that gentle, kind coercion is the best option -- not bad for a race that's attempting to take over Earth.

Honest to goodness, after I watched that movie, I yearned for everyone to be a Pod Person -- no hammy acting, no annoying voices, no screwy dialogue.

Invasion.Of.The.Pod.People should not make it to DVD.

The plot has major problems, the script couldn't get a D- in a high school film class, the camera had the finesse of a single chopstick, direction was completely absent, and the costumes made our heroine look like she just entered the third trimester. The dramatic tension came only from knowing it wasn't over yet. The effects consisted of a ginger root in a flower pot.

This is not a B movie, there is not one redeeming feature in this work, even the titillation, that started halfway through, was not erotic and the actress giving cunnilingus may have been asleep during filming.

I could go on, but please don't watch this film. It could made you feel like a pod.

After a meteor shower in California, Melissa feels that her co-workers and her boss Samantha that work in the agency owned by Vickland are acting differently after receiving a weird plant.

This film has terrible sound, weak visuals, abysmal acting. I cannot even say there was any direction involved. As for the story, how do the writers sleep at night claiming they wrote this? The story was already written (a few times)... all they had to do was steal the credit.

This sinks even below the low standards that The Asylum usually holds itself to. Rather than be released, it should have been just been erased and burned in a bonfire. They could not even do the soft-core scenes right (of which there are far too many).

Can you remember "Debbie Does Dallas"? Well, the acting in this one is almost as good. Remember "Plan 9 From Outer Space"? Well, at least Ed Wood managed to make it so bad it's good. No such luck here.

I wouldn't even want to slur first-year film school by comparing this to the efforts of any beginner.

If I had to guess, I'd say somebody bought a HD camcorder, invited all his friends around for the weekend and let's see what happens when you press and hold the red button.

David Latt seems to be in the business of churning out no-budget video productions with non-actors, negligible plots and spaceships-on-strings special effects.

I beseech you, do not dignify any of these by contemplating watching them. Go watch some paint dry, or a game of cricket. Oh, wait. Same thing.

Picked this up in a 10-movie pack for five bucks at K-Mart.

Is it classic sci-fi? No. Is it a very good movie? Hardly.

But I look at it this way: 50 cents for a flick about an alien ginger plant that turns mean girls into sex-starved, naked lesbians? Oh, yeah, K-Mart, here's my four bits. Can't buy me a Hershey bar for that anymore.

Gotta admit, I find a certain charm to The Asylum's "mockbuster" movies. They remind me of my childhood, when I'd read "Cinemagic" magazine and make my own "Star Wars" films on Super-8. Terrible, to be sure, but made with a modicum of love and reverence for the source material.

In rare cases, Asylum's movies are actually better than those they're aping. I'll take "Allan Quartermain and the Temple of Skulls" any day over the incomprehensible "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." And while the first "Aliens Vs. Predator" was good in a comic book sort of way, "AVP: Requiem" didn't make a lick of sense. Asylum's "AVH: Alien Vs. Hunter," starring aged stoner William Katt, was far more enjoyable. And who'da thunk Asylum's martial arts version of "I Am Legend" -- titled "I Am Omega" and starring that dude from "Iron Chef" -- would be as charming as it is? Not me, brother. But it's now my second favorite version of the story, next to Vincent Price's classic "The Last Man on Earth."

For the record, I'm not some Asylum company suit posting fake positive reviews, and I acknowledge the vast majority of Asylum's output is crapola. I'm just some guy who appreciates bad movies, and The Asylum tends to make more of those than anyone else.

And as long as K-Mart keeps selling them for 50 cents, I'm gonna keep buying them.