The Extendables

Oh Mein godfazer.

Without a doubt this has to be one of the weirder films. Definitely not at all what I expected... I mean I'm a huge fan of our good Brian T but c'mon man.

This will no doubt become mandatory for years to come as a precursor for what not to do, ever... in any instance.

To be fair, let's just say it started off awesome (first 5 minutes). I even giggled a few times, then as the film progressed the laughter turned to pitiful grunts.. and then just silent bewilderment. It's literally like they spent 5 minutes coming up with some ideas and then decided to see how far they could extend the joke... Sadly they stretched it across a full length production. I reckon arm pumping fart humor would have been more captivating.

Wow, this was abysmal. Everything about it was just bad and a pain to bear witness to. The acting was atrocious and the storyline even worse.

Listed as a comedy has to be a joke on itself, because I didn't laugh once throughout the course of this movie. And the attempts at comedy were so lame that it ended up being toe-curling to witness instead of being fun.

The story is about Vardell Duseldorfer, aka V.D., who is a struggling former action movie star who goes to Uzbekistan to direct and star in a new movie that will be his great comeback.

I can't really put into words just how bad this movie was, and it is easily ranking amongst the top 10 of bad movies that I have ever seen in my 39 years. And the shameless cash-in title on "The Expendables" is nothing but a hollow title to lure in audience. Sure, it suckered me in, because I thought it was going to be a spoof on "The Expendables", but it wasn't anything remotely so.

This is about an hour and a half of wasted time and effort, and do yourself the favor and not suffer through it. Others did, me included, so you don't have to.

Really?! What the heck were they thinking? I cannot understand how they got sufficient financial backing to even get casting done, let alone costumes and makeup. And they could still afford the actors. Best film to see Mark Dacascos in though, as long as he's the supporting actor and is more himself them the better he is (sorry Mark, but it's true). Very cheeky to also try and tie the movie by similarly titling to a far classier cheesefest, The Expendables. I know which one you should be watching.

Though the marketing for this movie capitalizes on the popularity of the EXPENDABLES series, be aware that this is not actually a spoof on that particular franchise. Brian Thompson – that career villain who has yet to actually take his place in Stallone's franchise – takes his first stab at directing, writing, and producing with a comedy that proclaims to be an amalgamation of his experiences working with the eccentric personalities that Sly's been recently highlighting. It's a take-it-or-leave-it premise whose goofy tone may alienate some of its intended audience but is otherwise entertaining enough to warrant a try from people interested in such an odd form of expose.

The story: Aging action star Vardell Dusseldorfer ("V.D.") (Thompson) attempts a comeback by making his directorial debut.

Thompson himself opens the video by explaining its premise as a more detailed response to the question he gets asked so often: "What's it like working with Stallone/Schwarzenegger/Seagal/Van Damme/etc.?" His answer in presented in the form of the main character, who's the biggest weirdo you could ever imagine and one of the more alienating personalities you can find on film. You can clearly see traits of the aforementioned stars in the character, and matching his antics to the rumors you've heard about the real-life personalities becomes the main source of entertainment here. Some of it's very crude, and Thompson definitely relies on hearsay for some of his stories (e.g. the Steven Seagal/Gene LeBell sleeper hold rumor, to which Brian has never been attributed), but it's still a modestly endearing homage to bizarreness, affectionately presented.

Given that this is essentially a caricature of action filmmaking, it is surprising that there is not actually any real action to be seen. The most we get is when V.D. retaliates against a practical joke by shooting up the set with a shotgun. Given this, don't expect much out of the cameos of Martin Kove, Bruce Locke, and Mark Dacascos as a writer irritated with how V.D.'s time-wasting antics play havoc with his script. Almost the entirety of the movie takes place on the set and in the lead's trailer, reflecting the movie's minimalist approach to production. Disappointingly, the actual screenplay is a little bloated, beating some jokes to death and resorting to noise whenever no one is speaking. It's fine to sit through once, but there's not much replay value here.

A previously-released film, CONFESSIONS OF AN ACTION STAR, plays with many of the same ideas but on a larger scale; consider checking that one out if THE EXTENDABLES sounds too weak for you. I don't know if Brian Thompson has a career in directing, but this feature is a serviceable effort that provides a simulated glanced into a world that Thompson has been lucky enough to be privy to. Give it a look, if it sounds like your kind of thing.

There's so much that can be said about 'The Extendables' but that title meant to draw comparisons is a bad omen. A tale of Hollywood big screen action men, their egos & problems gets showcased in a virtual no-name cast with little action or budget. The real issue is there's very few laughs which seems to be the entire point to lampooning them.

An Arnold Schwarzenegger-like action star Vardell Duseldorfer (Brian Thompson) aka V. D. is mounting a career comeback after a failed last movie, a run in politics and a scandal involving sleeping with a maid. He's a middle aged drunk, drug addict, impotent sex obsessed idiot. As director / star of his new movie shooting in Eastern Europe 'Hard Time On Mars' can he finish the film & recapture his old glory?

I like Thompson - a character actor - who made his bones typically playing heavies in big budget action fare or the odd hero in dtv flicks. Having actually shared the stage with Arnold, Stallone & JCVD is cool. However the tale here isn't a joy to watch and there's no fun insight. Thompson juggles starring, editing, producing, writing & directing which almost makes for a bad vanity project. A word from him in front of a green screen at the start cements this feeling.

Some faces make cameos - Mark Dacascos, Martin Kove, Kevin Sorbo, Patrick Warburton - none of it very good. A lot of people are adopting an apologetic tone towards 'The Extendables', but I don't want anyone to be influenced into seeing this. You might be a fan of Thompson or think the concept of seeing behind the curtain is a fun time, but this is pretty unfunny affair.