Slaughtered Vomit Dolls

This resoundingly awful film is like spending an hour and ten minutes watching a bad music video. Much like the worst film ever made, The Blair Witch Project, silly-named director Lucifer Valentine attempts to use overly mobile camera angles to hide the fact that there's actually nothing going on in this film. Slaughtered Vomit Dolls plays out almost like a silent movie, as there is very little dialogue and the plot moves through just what we see on screen. But any thoughts of this being a credible art film are quickly vanquished when it turns out that all the film is, is a collection of scenes showing people vomiting blood. The plot has something to do with a young whore suffering from bulimia, but it's not analysed at all and while the film might think it's something like Roman Polanski's Repulsion, it certainly isn't. Apparently, this film was banned from a bunch of horror festivals for being too graphic (or something), but if I was choosing films for a horror festival, I'd have banned it for being too boring. Really, this film is a bad joke and I honestly don't see how anyone could find it disturbing. There's nothing left to say except don't waste your time…if you want to see an overly gory modern film, see Murder-Set-Pieces instead. Said film might not be great either, but it's Citizen Kane compared to this.

This movie is honestly one of the most pretentious movies I've ever seen. It is like an amalgamation of every single pretentious art house film trope ever: the found footage style to make up for the terrible production quality, the random over the top gore and nudity, the religious imagery, the reversed audio, the jumbled editing, the complete lack of any coherent plot or characters, etc. And for defenders of this film who will say, "it's not supposed to make sense; it's supposed to be open to interpretation; you missed the point of the movie," I will say, that doesn't matter. Yes, art is art, anyone can find some meaning in almost anything, but this movie is a jumbled mess. It's repetitive, beyond just the fact that it kinda just cycles between brutal violence and gore, people vomiting, and random abruptly cut, out of context dialogue, it literally reuses so much footage over and over. I swear they probably only recorded about 30 minutes of footage, and just extended it out to 110 minutes by just repeating the footage over and over. This movie gives me the terrible impression that it thinks it's super deep and creative and outside the box, when really it's just edgy for the sake of being edgy. Pushing boundaries and having a lot of nudity and gore isn't inherently pretentious, so long as it is doing those things for the sake of making a point or showing a deeper meaning. But this movie is the opposite of that, it's ridiculously over the top disgusting for the sake of being disgusting and getting attention.

The creators clearly lack the talent & resources to make a decent coherent film. SVD reminded me of a p*ss poor, made-the-night before student film. Don't believe any of the hype, DO NOT PAY FOR THIS FILM, go & watch a real movie instead.

Granted, some of the gore was nice, but I would rather just watch a slide show of the prosthetics. This film is a pathetic waste of time, completely devoid of artistic merit; it smacks of bored genre groupies, desperate to make a name for themselves, but lacking the creative chutzpah to dent an already crowded scene.

Trash, in the worst possible way.

The best thing about Lucifer Valentine's Slaughtered Vomit Dolls is its lurid title.

Devoid of a coherent narrative and lacking technical merit of any sort, this 'movie' succeeded only in making me feel slightly queasy, thanks to endless shots of degenerate low-lifes making themselves puke. Since I've always found the sight of people yarfing up their lunch rather off-putting, that really is no great achievement.

Valentine's cast are a skeezy bunch of strippers, whores and losers who prattle on to the camera about who-knows-what, only stopping in order to lose their lunch onto glass top coffee tables, into toilet bowls, and, in one scene, into a person's skull cavity (after they have had their cranium removed and their brains eaten). To a lover of extreme film-making, this might sound like an unmissable treat; but don't be fooled—it isn't.

I am unsure as to whether this movie is supposed to be art, exploitation, or something else entirely, but the one thing I am sure about is that it is complete and utter rubbish. I guess the gore (which includes a prolonged scene of eyeball fondling) might've made the whole thing just about bearable, if the dodgy camera-work and bad editing hadn't made it so difficult to see what was happening.

Add to the lousy visuals a headache-inducing cacophonous soundtrack, and the result is an incomprehensible mess that has found a small (and, judging by the comments on IMDb, mostly disappointed) audience only by appealing to their sense of morbid curiosity.

What the hell was that mess I just watched??? Well, apparently it was meant to be the sickest, scariest, most disturbing thing ever made. Well, Slaughtered Vomit Dolls is far from any of those, in fact, it was merely a pathetic attempt to shock using vomit-gore. And there wasn't even that much of it, it was mainly some random nudity and a girl talking about her feelings. It was poorly edited, it had no plot whatsoever, the music was appalling and for some reason the director slowed down the voices. That was just irritating.

The gore was fairly well done with some sick effects (including a detailed face-stabbing/eye removal scene) but some were spoiled by ludicrous events. Eg. a girl gets her arm sawed off then she is handed a guitar (WTF????!!!!!????!!!). Really dumb and unintentionally funny. The vomit scenes were fairly nauseating but they were all just them sticking their hands down their throats.

Please, don't waste your life on this movie, it was pointless and boring as *beep*. Just a pathetic attempt to be shocking.

0/5.