The Bay: Hai-Alarm!

Wow. This one is really beyond words. "Spring Break Shark Attack" couldn't get any worse if they tried. Most of the first hour is wasted with "O.C." style teen drama, and for a second I thought I had come across a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie about date rape or something. Bryan Brown plays the required money grubber who destroys nature and angers the sea creatures. It was sad to see Kathy Baker as the local shop keeper/environmentalist warning him about what he is doing. Why would such a fine actress sign on for this dreck? It's TV, so the shark attacks are kept pretty unbloodied. The movie might have had a chance if it was cheesy intentionally or they had played it more like a docudrama. Obviously, no one on the writing staff had the imagination or self-control for that.

It's best if you just view the movie in high speed reverse. If you do, you'll see an eloquent story of how a school of sharks throw up enough hormonal co-eds to open up a series of beaches on the Florida coast...so many that they are forced to party. A few of the regurgitated find one another and become friends. Apparently, the main regurgitated female is so inspired by what has happened in her own form of immaculate conception, that she adopts an at first just over protective, but, eventually loving family.

If you choose to watch the movie by way of the order that the producers, directors, and writers (whom I'm sure were paid for their troubles) intended, you may walk away from the film at best disappointed, and at worst claiming that there is no god.

As campy as the title tells you it'll be.

A bunch of co-eds with a hodge-podge of teen soap opera back stories go to south Florida for Spring break. Unfortunately, some hungry tiger sharks are on Spring break too, and they aren't there for the beer, if you catch my drift. Meanwhile there's a dumb wolf player guy knocking out the lead character with a date rape drug, and drawling out stupidly concocted lies. Gee, you'll never guess who ends up as a Big Mac in the shark infested waters.

They waste a lot of time showing us the wolf guy annoying everybody, and eventually get around to showing some sharks. Occasionally, some extras show up to be immediately on the menu, to keep your interest. The sub-plots give at least some substance to the lead girl and the boat rental guy, and some others to a lesser degree.

More action than really expected. The shots of the girls are framed Bay Watch style, and there are some unintentionally dumb scenes. The big attack scene is a decently shot highlight moment, except for some cardboard "fins" casually drifting by the screaming swimmers. Still, not a bad watch, after all.

Oh my god! its not much to say about this awful film! the start of the film is boring, and maybe a half hour later you will Se a bunch of girls in bikini runigen around on a boat or a beach doesn't Mather what but they are screaming cause some stock footage and fake sharks is trying to eat them! The sharks are so god damn bad made even the CGI sharks are almost worse then the sharks in deep blue sea!!!!!! And 2 the acting is just awful no one of the actors has been in a film school! The only good things in this film is the ending scene on the beach when the tiger sharks attacks them!!!!! But..... Its a TV film so you cant think that its a true masterpiece. 3/10

I knew it would be awful, but I thought maybe the camp value would make it funny enough to watch. Wrong.

This is one where the IMDb comments minimum of 10 lines does nothing but waste disk storage someplace.

No plot, no suspense, awful acting by young actors you've never heard of for good reason and old actors who used to have a career (Bryan Brown should have retired after the first FX). The so called effects are as lame as they looked on the previews.

They throw in the standard teen romance that is as tepid and G-rated as possible. No chemistry, no heat, no point. No one is very likable, no one is unlikable either for that matter. The whole thing is like plain white rice.

It's a 1, but I gave it a 2 because there was at least one girl in a bikini visible during 95% of the scenes.