Snake Man

I felt like I was in some backwoods fundamentalist church yesterday. There was Anaconda 3, Snakes on a Plane, Vipers, and this one. What is with all these snakes? This one had no special appeal. It was you routine running through the jungle, with one member in a tight top (Jayne Heitmeyer), and everyone getting eaten by the snakes. They even brought in some mercenaries, presumably from Blackwater or Halliburton, and they all get eaten, too. The only thing different was that this particular snake had about four heads. That made for an interesting twist as each head can get a body extremity and, pop, instant paraplegic. Then the main snake just pops the head and sucks out the juice like eating craw-fish in the bayou.

The only thing that will keep you interest is the aforementioned Heitmeyer getting that top all sweaty and bloody.

Can bad movies ever get any worse? Maybe. But for the moment, Snakeman beats everything in its shear awfulness. The snake is just SO fake, even the one in Python would choke on its own tongue. The actors are bad, they couldn't act if there lives depended on it, even if they sold their souls to Sponge Bob Squarepants first. I don't understand why the many-headed snake is actually a good creature, it seems to enjoy tearing and ripping and killing people in various and imaginative ways, yet it gives the Mysterious Indian Tribe that Stinks its great gift of eternal youth... This mystifies me. The teams that are sent to the rather fake looking jungle seem to be well equipped with big and savage-looking automatic rifles, large vicious snakes are probably commonplace in the jungle... Not a good film, if it appears on your TV, switch the channel or it will take a little bite out of your intellect.

Most of the movies Sy-Fy does, reek of a fourth grade writing project and abysmal special effects. This movie may have the same problems, but I can't tell. The only way this movie could hold my attention the first time, is because I am absolutely infatuated with Jayne Heitmeyer on here.

I have probably seen this stinker a dozen times and I'll watch it a dozen more just because of Ms. Heitmeyer. I can't help it! Love the close ups. Love the way she looks at the camera.

In short, I am totally unqualified to judge this movie. Sorry.

One of these days I'll edit out everything but her and use it to replace the beautiful sunsets and mountain views we don't get here in Indiana.

Here we have Snakeman, or maybe it's really some other title, telling the story of a nasty snake monster in the Amazon which has a penchant for munching on people parts. Stephen Baldwin, the not-too-talented younger brother of Alec, may be the Snakeman, I don't know. We can't be sure because the plot involves the snake monster eating everyone. It has nothing to do with a "snakeman". Why do they make movies like this? Because they get suckers like me to watch them, that's why. Terrible CGI effects only cheapen this Anaconda rip-off. Some of the gore effects are quite amusing, as when the gun-for-hire decides to pull his own guts out of his stomach after being bitten there by the snake monster. Think we'll see "Snakeman Returns", "Snakeman Forever", or "Snakeman: The Beginning"? Let's hope not.

It seems that many of the reviewers missed the point of this story, and that shaved a couple of points off of their review. Maybe they think they are entitled, as the characters did, to whatever they see in the world.

The premise is that a body is excavated/retrieved from a river, and the person was 300 yrs old when they died. Fountain of youth. Only catch is, the people that live there are in a symbiotic relationship with a huge dragon-looking snake, that later reveals two more heads. Then it suddenly has 5 or 6 heads. Very Hydra-esque. No explanation was given. Nor was one given for how the chieftan speaks English fluently, though it does make speaking with our heroine easier.

Baldwin shows why he is the third best actor in his family, (though probably the best human being), as he is the typical "jungle survivalist" tough guy. The girl is the real lead, and is decent. The corporate guys are all idiots who refuse to listen to the people they paid to guide them. The CGI is weak, and the natives range from hot babes to guys who look really out of place in the jungle. Not great, or even good. Typical Sci-fi fare.