Haunting Desires

HAUNTING DESIRES (2 outta 5 stars) I don't even know why they bother with these "softcore" things. People who are into porn don't like them because they don't "show anything" and people are *aren't* into porn are going to be bored out of their minds. No stars, bad acting, bad dialogue, cheap sets and costumes and a bunch of writhing, naked bodies (with no reproductive organs in sight) every ten minutes. In any case... I *did* find some entertainment value in this... the movie is actually one of those rare flicks that is *so* bad that it's actually funny. The ending especially is a hoot! Cheesy special effects mixed with a jaw-droppingly ridiculous plot twist! Spunky newspaper columnist teams up with a grumpy detective to solve a series of vampire murders linked to a late night sex club. The lead male characters' performances are so awful that you'll be shaking your head in amazement. Detective Trout (Jay Richardson) resembles comedian Jay Thomas with all the talent bled out of him. Checking his bio on IMDb you will discover that this is far from his first movie... he's been in dozens! How does someone this bad keep getting work? I mean, he must be cheap... but still! The dude playing the "seductive" vampire leader (Evan Stone) looks like a cross between Fabio and Quentin Tarantino... and he speaks his lines in a garbled whisper so that you can never tell what the heck he is actually saying. That's just as well since all the dialogue form this movie seems to be stolen from other, better movies and TV shows. Lead "actress" Beverly Lynn is actually pretty good compared to most actresses in these kinds of movies... plus she's easy on the eyes, even in the scenes where she's clothed. She'd probably stick out like a sore thumb in a movie with real actors but, for what it's worth, she does a good job here.

This flick was terrible, the only thing that I found haunting was this troll looking Fabio wanna be vampire that looked like he had a very bad face lift and terrible sex moves try to seduce a female into becoming one of his kind.

One of those low budget soft porn horror flicks which seems to be the norm in todays horror films really bores me to tears. This one isn't even erotic enough to be porn or horror. And the ending was even more terrible than the film itself. The leading lady suspects that her husband is cheating on her and ends up in a nightclub which provides entertainment such as lesbian acts, domination and live sex acts (all of which are so lame not even the cheapest porn star would do a better job) ends up talking to this weird vampire that tries to cater to her "hidden" desires by seducing her into lesbian stage dancing and making love to him. She is accompanied by a detective that happens to be trying to catch this vampire and is also lured into his cult of perverts. The detective is what spoils the movie; his acting is lame, his character is useless and his part in the ending was beyond laughable. Avoid this one.

I set the VCR timer for this movie. which was being shown in the wee, wee small hours of the morning, on Cinemax; well past my bedtime, anyway. The title intrigued me, and so did the brief description, outlining the plot. Okay, so I just viewed the tape - in broad daylight - NOT that there were any scares, or anything. The "plot" of the film (flimsy as it is) takes up about 5 minutes of running time. The other 85 minutes is soft core porn: male-on-female, female (lezbo action!) on female and male on multiple females. It's standard cable fare, LOTS of writhing but NO penetration. Hardcore porn star, Evan Stone (who looks like a cross between Fabio and Skid Row lead singer, Sebastian Bach), plays "Adrian," a 2,000 year old vampire. Unfortunately, he speaks in a soft whisper, making it hard (something the movie fails to do!) to understand him. Maybe if the producers of this flick had had the resources ($$$), they could've gotten horror movie veteran, Christopher Lee, to dub Evan's lines. As it is, it looks like they had a $1.98 budget. Anyway, the lead actress, Beverly Lynne, is H-O-T!! With her spiky blonde hair, she reminded me of a young Lorrie Morgan. You Country music fans KNOW who I'm talking about! The other babes in the movie are pretty hot, too, especially the busty brunette vampire who figures in the film's "twist" ending. I place sarcastic quotation marks around the word twist, because the denouement can be seen a mile away.

There you have it: cheesy plot, cheesy dialogue, tepid acting, lazy direction, lame vampire villain and sort of makes it wiggle in your pants soft core sex. It's too bad they didn't make a hardcore version of this movie; I just might've purchased the DVD. Bottom line, I give this film a 4 out of a possible 10, JUST because of Beverly Lynne's sterling presence. Otherwise, I'd rate it a 2.

After a series of strange deaths grabs her attention, a woman decides to investigate the deaths and lead back to a nightclub used by a group of vampires as cover for their victims.

As far as softcore horror/erotica goes, this wasn't as bad as some of the other films so it's not really that, though it certainly would've helped if the women were at the least attractive (the only one that was really the least bit sexy had the shortest role as a hooker in one brief scene, and the one who gets naked the most has the body of a 10-year-old boy with a boy-ish hairstyle as well) so that really works against this one. It could've worked nicely as a straight horror though as there's something about the set-up in the nightclub and how it's worked, just the sex is a little more extreme than normal yet still easily in the realm of Softcore so it's not all that bad of an entry. There's certainly worse ones out there of this kind.

Rated Unrated/NC-17: Continuous softcore-style sex, Full Nudity, Language and Violence.

Ladies, the next time your boyfriend suggests the rental of an erotic movie, steer him away from "Bikini Bimbos Blitz Part 40" and toward "Haunting Desires."

Ignore the pouty lass on the front cover; the one with the intimidatingly large breasts who (as far as I can tell) wasn't even in the video. This film boasts a leading man performance by the gorgeous porn star Evan Stone, who plays the vampire Adrian.

The subject of Adrian's blood lust is a smart, spunky reporter named Jill. Jill is one of the few bright, purposeful heroines I've seen in a softcore film, and she was played with refreshing skill by Beverly Lynne. With the help of a policeman sidekick, the witty Jay Richardson, she investigates the murder of a patron at Adrian's night club; an eerie midnight social club known as the Underworld.

As the investigation continues, Jill is faced with several questions. Are these people vampires? Who will be the next victim? Do the girls who work at Adrian's club have an allergic reaction to all forms of clothing? (O.K., maybe that was just a question I was facing. I'm sure the guys will appreciate all the beautiful women in the film, including Lynne, Kylie Wyote, Fallon Pfeifer, and Jenna West.)

Jill's biggest challenge lies in resisting the temptation of Adrian himself, played with seductive charm by Stone. Generally an adult film actor, he shines in this softcore role; I hope he does more mainstream films. His character's intimate interaction with Jill is the best part of the film.

"Haunting Desires" is a film for those who enjoy sexy vampire flicks, erotic thrillers, and 'escapist' entertainment. And Ladies, you'll never find a sexier 'neck biter' than good IL' Adrian.