BloodRayne

This was, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. I knew a little bit about the video game this is based upon going in, and while I can't say I was a fan or knew all that much about the story, I figured I was going to get a kinda Buffy/Medieval Times kinda feel. I was SO wrong. The acting quality that I had expected was not there at all. In fact, even Ben Kingsley, who I thought would be good (I've liked other things of his) was awful. Kristinna Locken was so emotionless that you wanted to cry from frustration. Michelle Rodiguez was the only one with some convincing effort, but even then, she couldn't pull her character out of one-dimension. Although, the actors didn't have much to go on to begin with. The dialouge was laughably cliché in parts and simply pathetic in others. It did NOTHING to help convey the characters emotions or thoughts, nor did it do well with explaining the story, trying for flashy and confusing explanations when simplicity was needed and other times being far too simple. All in all, this movie was horrible.

I've never seen the computer game on which this movie is based, so the reported discrepancies between the film's storyline and the game's original mythos (which fans of the game have been very vocal about) didn't bother me, and instead I just viewed the movie as a separate entity. While I can't honestly say that Bloodrayne is anything special, it's certainly not the complete disaster that it's supposed to be. There's no denying that several of the main actors are woefully miscast - Michael Madsen being the prime example - and there are some bizarre and distracting cameos from Michael Pare (whom I swear hasn't aged a day in the twenty five years since Streets of Fire), Billy Zane and Meat Loaf. But I still found Bloodrayne to be considerably more entertaining than Van Helsing (2004), the film it most resembles. In fact it's only slightly inferior to the similarly themed Underworld movies.

After watching BloodRayne, I am thoroughly convinced Uwe Boll will eventually make a good and entertaining movie (five years from now at the very very least.) As Alone in the Dark was a step up from House of the Dead, BloodRayne is a step up from Alone in the dark. Unfortunately, before he gets there Boll will have to continue to trek through the vast expanse of mediocrity one baby step at a time, and there is far more entertainment from a shamelessly bad movie than a merely mediocre one.

The opening credits take place over a nice little montage of paintings, then moves to a sunset in the mountains effectively establishing the mood in a surprisingly competent fashion. I found myself entertaining the idea, "You know, maybe … just maybe Boll finally made a good movie." Then just like Alone in the Dark, the first actor opened his mouth and my hopes collapsed. I shook my head, sighed, then braced myself to endure another 80 minutes of performances downplayed to the point that they lack conviction. Vladimir (Michael Madsen), the seasoned vampire hunter and head of Brimstone, delivers his lines with a tone that implies he's been around and seen everything. As a free bonus, Madsen adds an additional quality: unenthusiastic boredom.

Kagun (Ben Kingsley) the old powerful vampire lord, having achieved demi-God status amongst mortals, spends most of his time sitting, standing, or walking. He takes action only in the ceremonial sense. Played to perfection by Kingsley who goes so far as to make his own appearance in the film seem equally ceremonial and equally inconsequential.

(Although one has to wonder if Kingsley and Madsen both went overboard in their performances, or if the editing pushed the performances over the threshold. Dwell on that for a moment, but don't answer.)

Domastir (Will Sanderson), Kaguns' henchman, forever has a crazed wide-eyed stare that lacked any sense of menace. It reminded me of that look pro wrestler gives during their pre-match smack talk rants (which I, try as I might, can't watch with a straight face) ,and from hence forth I saw Domastir as the little wrestler who couldn't.

As for Rayne, herself, Kristanna Loken does an admirable job of wanting to go somewhere with the role despite being trapped by a film that's lost. It knows where it wants to go, but doesn't know how to get there. She does what she can to explore the bloodlust and turmoil of vampirism (or dhampirism) even though the film she's starring in cares only enough to explore blood, blood, and more blood (a point hammered home by the final overly-long montage at the end.)

And then Billy Zane, Elrich, comes to the rescue. Zane salvages his role by going in the exact opposite direction as the rest of the cast. He opts for an approach reminiscent of his role in Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight, and gives two well timed blasts from the defibrillator to counter the rest of the film floating on tharzine.

More interesting, yet, is the scene with Elrich and Domastir face to face. When Domastir has a sword to Elrich's heart, staring as intently as ever like a crazed man obsessed with reading a name tag, Elrich pushes the lil' wrestler wanna-be's sword aside and dismisses the whole encounter like it was part of his Las Vegas illusionist's show where Domastir is hypnotized. Elrich and everyone in the audiences knows it's a joke, but Domastir remains clueless.

Gallons of gratuitous gore splatters the death sequences in direct answer to the growing number of PG13 films that should shoot for a hard R but sadly whore themselves to younger audiences. It's a nice thought, but it comes across as gore for the sole sake of gratuity to the point of goofiness. A direct contrast to BloodRayne's overly grounded ("grounded" as in six-feet under) performances. Yet another indication, that Billy Zane had the right idea.

Budgetary and time constraints show up in the choreography of the fights and battle scenes, and even more so in the editing of said scenes. The fights seem curiously rehearsed like a stage-dance, and the swords (practice weapons aside) have unusually thick edges. Fair game for criticism? Eh, in places, sure. No doubt, though, that Boll bashers will target anything and everything not up to Lord of the Rings standards.

In my Alone in the Dark review I mainly focused my criticism on Boll's parasitic dependency on better films for material in his own to the point that Alone in the Dark cannot stand on its own without Equilibrium, Evil Dead, and the Matrix. BloodRayne is like a baby's first step, reluctantly letting go and making an unstable effort to walk – letting go of the blatant rip offs ("homages" on steroids) and finding its own style.

Uwe Boll's not there yet, but he's getting there … one step at a time.

Where to start with this one? I'll point out that i watched it only because i heard that Kristanna Loken shows her boobies here. I didn't play the game nor have i known anything about the plot from that point of view. So i'm writing this solely on the movie experience.

I must point out that the movie has its good sides.

Most notably Ben Kingsleys horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE wig. I couldn't stop myself to burst into laughter anytime he was on screen. Its simply hilarious and worth the admission price alone.

Another good thing is the guy with the mullet (Matthew Davis). He looked almost as ridiculous as Ben Kingsley with a wig. By the way, I had no idea that mullets were that popular in 19th century Romania but the filmmakers sure proved me wrong. Maximum respect for the mullet Matthew, wear it proudly.

Of course you do get to see Kristanna Lokens boobs in a raunchy, makes no sense at all, sex scene so that also is a good thing.

I must point out that fight scenes, although they occur pretty rarely, are pretty rich with gore. They really surprised me there and i must say that i wasn't disappointed by that aspect of the movie. And you wont be either. Of course if you aren't into the bloody mess type of stuff the fight scenes will suck. But hey, who isn't into bloodbaths anyway? So some really good stuff there as well.

Now for the not so great aspects of the movie.

First of all the dialogs are completely and utterly, mind numbingly stupid. Its like a 6 year old wrote all the dialogs. The screenplay is very bad too. Think "American Ninja 2" in 19th century Romania when you think about the screenplay and dialogs in the movie. Really, really naive and infantile stuff there. Also they stole one ninja trick from American Ninja 2, you'll see it in one of the final scenes in the movie. I guess you could call it a homage to it though. Come to think of it, no, you couldn't. Its just plane old plagiarism.

Acting sucks too. Ben Kingsley just stares in the camera with his bad wig, Kristanna Loken does a lot of moaning and thats about it. Don't expect wonders from Michael Madsen either. Billy Zane does his thing regardless of anything, so if you like his style he could be acceptable. I like it.

Oh yeah, they have a MeatLoaf cameo. Now thats what i call weak. Then again, the topless babes in his scenes totally make up for his fat ass.

The director Uwe Boll isn't really that bad as people say he is. He gave us blood and tits, yes. And in a pretty good way, i might add. But he delivered nothing more. Blood and tits go without saying for modern day directors anyway. So i'll point out that he sucks as well but not as much as meatloaf.

Although this movie is really bad I'm not sorry i watched it. If you want watch it and if you'll appreciate the trashy aspects in the movie you wont be sorry either.

I'll give this one a 4/10.

I almost forgot that I had seen this a month ago. I remember being excited more for the fact that Uwe Boll was in attendance so I could hear what he had to say about film-making.

Well, let's say his comments before and after the movie are revelations as to why he makes such crappy films. First off, he can't grasp why people savage his movies so much. He feels that the internet community gives him a hard time because he's German and he makes his movies with Nazi money (his quote, not mine. Of course, he was joking, right?) Secondly, he couldn't care less if the actors he has are right for the roles. In fact, finding actors is his last thing he does to secure financing for his films. Apparently, he thinks the story is strong enough to carry the film. So, this is why we end up with actors like Ben Kinglsey working alongside Michael Madsen. Really, the only thing they had was the time to do the movie and the earning of a paycheck. So, if this doesn't strike you as soulless film-making, I don't know what does. In essence, by waiting until the last possible moment to hire actors, he can make his movies with a secured budget.

Th reason why I write this is because I heard his new "epic" In the Name of the King will be a four hour film split in half like Kill Bill. This depressed me to no end. Uwe Boll really is the next Ed Wood, even though Ed Wood cared about his actors and films.