The House That Screamed

A ghastly stupid and dull haunted house story. Oh, you Polonia brothers when will you ever EVER learn, you silly boys. If you love something, no matter how much if you're just not good at it, then let the dream die. When I was growing up for a brief time I wanted to be a basketball player, I had three things going against me. I was white, short, and no hand eye cooridination, so I let that dream, albeit fleeting as it was, pass on. OK, not the greatest example, but my point is this, you boys can't make turd after steaming turd and still remain serious in you commitment to film. You may be the LAST people to get the joke, but you will. And on that glorious day, you'll both take up a trade that you're good at. Plumbing perhaps...maybe singing telegrams.

My Grade: F

Sweet Jeezus i was hoping this craptastic waste of space wouldn't even be on this site. I saw The House that Screamed when i was in high school, about 5 years ago, with a friend of mine. Little did we know the horror that actually awaited us when we started the blasted movie up. I honestly didn't think people could actually sell movies that badly done, ooooh boy was I wrong. I could see a group of 10 year olds make a better movie without trying. I swore to myself i would forget what i saw when i started watching this movie, if for no other reason than i don't want to have to claw my eyes out, but i cant do that. I would be less than human if i saw this listening and didn't voice how incredible bad this festering pile of dog droppings is. Lets put it this way if there were rating below -10 i'd give that to this movie without a second thought.

This has got to be one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen, right up with Troll 2. Still, it's fun to watch with some friends. Some notable elements of stupidity include:

-utterly pointless nudity (what was the point of the shower scene or the woman in red underwear?)

-the goofy flashbacks Marty has. Notice how his wife burnt down the house (which had no walls inside evidently) with a burnt out cigarette, and that his son died in the fire without any burns or even getting dirty

-the Grim Reaper playing with the doorbell

-the "ghostly circle" not extending to cover a the actor's arm

-drowning the plastic doll to kill the ghost inside

-Marty's "famous" novels: Feeders 1-3. The same guys who did this made Feeders 1&2, and they were really awful.

-the ridiculously low-budget makeup. The blind guy looked like he had fruit roll-ups over his eyes, and the blood hitting the window looked suspiciously like a tomato being thrown too late after the gunshot

I could go on & on on how stupid this movie is. Only see this to make fun of it.

This is hardly the worst movie ever made or anything like it. It's low budget is painfully obvious and okay, the guy playing the lead couldn't act worth crap. But with a little patience (and a little imagination and an open mind, two things that seem to be in very short supply of late) you can appreciate that this movie had some very creepy moments and some interesting visuals. And to those who feel the need to invoke MST3K (certainly the most pernicious influence on film criticism to ever some along) every time they run into a movie that doesn't instantly remind them of the latest Hollywood blockbuster, I can only say enjoy your smug self satisfaction while you can, because someday (if you're lucky) you'll outgrow it.

While I was flinching at some of the inept handling of this material, I was nonetheless impressed with some of the very eerie and peculiarly effective bits of spookiness here. It really looks like more than one hand is stirring this pot. There's a lot of what looks like college film class 101 basic mediocrity, but then some very nicely done scary moments, and grisly scenes. For example, a nice scary bit is when the writer answers the knock on the door to find nobody, then an apparition appears to look at him from inside the house while he is on the porch unaware. But then, the fight with the doll is ludicrous. It's like Carnival of Souls without the maturity and professional film production values. It could have been much better, but still nice enough to not be a total waste, and reminiscent of those 70s flicks that were just a weird stream of ideas. Works on the level of a nightmare but then Phantasm did that much better.