Shoreditch

This pile of steaming cinematic waste is an insult to English cinema. We gave the world Long Good Friday, Get Carter, Kes, Italian Job, Trainspotting, Ratcatcher, Ealing and some of the most remarkable movies to ever grace the screen. This, on the other hand, seems like a few steps back into neanderthal territory. Utterly dire all round - an artistic, technical and (inevitably) commercial failure. AVOID!

In 1939, on the eve of the Second World War, jazz club owner Thomas Hinkman (Richie) conducts an ill-advised affair with club singer Butterfly (Richardson) - "Butterfly by name, scorpion by nature".

Sucked into a sordid world of gangsters, drugs and corrupt MPs, he plans his escape route from his wife and lover. Sixty years later, Hinkman's descendant Tom (Ross), his girlfriend Abigail (Tyler) and their buffoonish flatmate Chad (Bovell) uncover Hinkman's walled-up property - along with a dead body, setting the scene for a Chinatown-style mystery.

Tragic is the only word to describe this. If the 1930s dialogue is unbelievable (were expressions like "Chill out a little" really common currency in 1939?), the cast appear equally unconvinced throughout. "Oh Butterfly, I've fallen in love with you", says Richie's Hinkman, with all the conviction of a barman noting that the barrel needs changing.

Richardson's demeanour is less 'sultry' that simply drugged. Thank gawd then, for two saving graces: that Tyler is lovely to look at (for really, nothing and nobody else here is) and that it all ends so abruptly.

OK! OK! I must admit, I'm writing this for a friend.. Just one of the 300 people who went to see this stinker. As far as he's concerned.. I was told that this the kind of film that Shane Ritchie should've put his money where his mouth is..

Although it was similar in the reins of Goodnight Sweetheart.. This one was totally diabolical..! The script was awful.. The characters like a hard man's version of the Jelly Babies.. The whole film was mostly set in the jazz room populated by Smarties..

After I was told about it.. I was saying, well what the hell was Malcolm Needs thinking..? For a movie that costs £6million to make.. I would've done the film for a £100K.. rather than blast so much money into it.

I think the biggest problem was trying to get an audience to see this film this pile of rubbish.. But it turned out that audience realised that this is not the kind of film they would spend maybe £5-£10 (I'm talking London cinema-wise) to go and see it.

I've seen better films in my time.. But really if this comes out on DVD. And if it does.. I wonder how many people are going to rent or buy..? For starters, if I got this free from let's say.. Cash Converters.. I'll definitely pass it over to the nearest charity shop. They can sell it for a good price of 1p. 0 out of 10! Totally diabolical!

A few reviews of 'Shoreditch' have called it a contender for the worst British movie of the decade so far, and after seeing it I'm inclined to agree. In the hands of a more skilled film-maker, this could have been a fascinating little mystery. As it is, it's a lumbering, confused and boring waste of time. I have to admit, I actually walked out of the cinema after a while, because I couldn't stand any more. I survived 2 hours of 'Gigli', but an hour of 'Shoreditch' was too much. That should give an idea what utter garbage this film is.

The story is totally uninvolving. It feels rushed, cobbled together. The characters are forgettable, the performances are pathetic. The actors look uncomfortable, and who can blame them? The script is full of some real howlers. The sets look embarassingly cheap. The film looks bland and flat, and there's no atmosphere.

As a result, 'Shoreditch' feels like an extended daytime TV soap. How anyone ever thought this trash would make its money back is beyond me.

Little point going into detail as it is unlikely that Shoreditch will see the light of day. I guess it may surface on TV, by virtue of the fact that Shane "Eastenders" Richie is in it. A true embarrassment for all involved, there is little to redeem this mess. The plot, switching between present day and a 1939 jazz club, is pointless and ludicrous beyond belief. The script is truly terrible, especially the dialogue (did they say "f**k weed" in 1939 London?) and tonally it hasn't got a clue where it's at. Humour (or an attempt at it) in the 2001 scenes, contrasting with the supposed suspense thriller of 1939...

I could go on but I'm losing the will to live just thinking about this woeful movie. Spare a thought for Shane Richie - not only does he suck in the lead role but he also sank half a million quid into it, which is why he is now an indentured serf on Eastenders.

Mama mia... a cautionary tale to all movie investors. If you can't recognise a script like this as a total stinker then get out of the business!