If Footmen Tire You What Will Horses Do?

If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horsemen Do is one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever made. Intended as a warning of the dangers of communism-and dancing!-the film comes across as a bizarre black comedy, thanks to the ineptitude of Rev. Estus Pirkle and the Ormond family of filmmakers.

The film, made in 1967, argues that communism will overrun the United States within the next two years if there is not a massive turn to fundamentalist Christianity. Mixing shoestring reenactments of communist atrocities with segments of Rev. Pirkle preaching, the film only succeeds as a testimony to the insanity of extreme evangelical Christians.

The presented reasons why America will fall to communism are laughable. Rev. Pirkle cites falling church attendance, sex education in public schools, and dancing-the gateway to adultery! We see these problems through the example of Judy, a wayward girl who, for some reason, still feels the need to go to church. The sex education bit is particularly amusing, with a teacher telling his students about the seven erogenous zones. Somehow, I think I missed that lesson when I went to school.

The atrocity reenactments are hilarious by sheer power of their ineptitude. Horrific human rights abuses took place under communism, but this is not the place to look for a serious examination of them. Rather we are treated to sights such as people slowly dropping to the ground when hit by machine gun fire and boys vomiting because their ears have been pierced with bamboo. However, the most hilarious part has to be when a Russian commissar lapses into an Okie accent while berating a young boy.

I ultimately split on my vote for this one. It's funny, but horribly made, so I gave it a five.

Manson-era social anxieties and rabid pinko-phobia fuel this fire-and-brimstone propaganda film, which just happens to be made by a personnel of sexploitation cinema veterans. It sure as hell won't save your soul, but it might lead you to wonder if prankster hippies spiked the Ogallala aquifer with premium-grade LSD...

According to Southern Baptist preacher Estus Pirkle, if Americans don't begin living lives of Christian purity, then a communist takeover is inevitable...within the next several months(!). Television, alcohol, drugs, sex, and miniskirts are condemned in his thundering sermon, which is vividly illustrated in a number of extremely gory scenes(people senselessly gunned down, women raped, and children being beheaded and having their ears jammed full of shish-ke-bob skewers). And let's not forget the age-old sin of DANCING...we all know what THAT leads to, don't we, you shameless whore....

This is, without question, the most relentless assault on the senses I have ever experienced. No matter what your personal belief system may be, you *will* be nauseated, mortified, perplexed, and delighted watching this hopelessly dated cautionary paranoiac vision...a stultifying and richly rewarding viewing experience.

HALLELUJAH!! A perfect 10.

The Reverent Estus Pirckle (no--I never heard of him either) of the Baptist Church lectures a rapt audience on how the communists will be taking over America in the next 24 months! (Considering this film is over 40 years old and communists haven't taken over America I believe the good reverend was wrong). While he's lecturing we are shown "accurate" portrayals of what communists have done in other countries. We get LOTS of views of "dead" men, women and children covered with the fakest blood I've ever seen. The good (sic) reverend tells us about the evils of sex education, Saturday morning cartoons (!!), drive-in movies, dancing (which always leads to sex), alcohol, drugs, magazines, newspapers, books---hell everything! Only Jesus Christ and the Bible will save us. (I guess if you're not Christian you're out of luck).

According to this the takeover will begin with the president and ALL governors throughout the US being shot and killed! Then the communists will round up all Christians and torture and kill them. We see such charming sights as a little boy tied up and having a bamboo stick driven through his ears (and throwing up), a man dangled over pitchforks while tied up, another kid beheaded, people shot down left and right. It SOUNDS horrific but the "special" effects are pathetic, the acting is terrible and everything you're told is so inaccurate that it's impossible to take with a straight face. A laugh a minute here. It's not on DVD but is available (for free) through Google Video.

This movie was one that all our local churches gathered for a viewing when it first came out. IMDb has the release year to be 1971, but, we must have been seen it before it was officially released, because I was 5 years old when I saw it the spring or summer of 1969. I remember screaming and hiding my face in Daddy's shirt. It was the SINGLE most terrifying movie that I watched as a child. Horror movies, viewed as a teen, never left such impression on me as this movie did. It is not such a "scary" show NOW in this day and age, but, at the time, it was not a movie for a child to see. My parents have always apologized when this movie has been brought up in conversation. So, please, keep in mind that, while this movie is okay for older children and up, it is not appropriate for children who have not yet learned the difference between what's real and what's not real.

If Footmen Tire You is the epitome of a cult film. You're not going to find this title on the shelf at your local Blockbuster or Movie Gallery. This is the kind of film that for years lived in near total obscurity only to gain an audience after being promoted through cult fanzines and websites. You can't find this at Best Buy, folks. You have to seek it out through a bootlegger or download a copy. Not because you're trying to cheat 'the man' but because there's simply no other way to obtain it. But the film is certainly worth the effort.

In keeping with the true meaning of a cult film, the original intent of If Footmen Tire usually has nothing to do with why people watch and enjoy it. Originally intended to save the good Christians and the United States from an impending communist takeover, the film is now seen as an over the top example of ridiculous religious propaganda. And rightfully so. Even in an age when communism did have a strong hold on some parts of the world, the scenario presented by If Footmen Tire was still impossible to believe. According to this film, the communist takeover of the United States would be accomplished in only fifteen minutes! Apparently there would be no resistance from either our own military or the vast number of armed civilians. Basically we'd wake up one morning to find ourselves under an evil communist regime. And a hilarious, stereotypical one at that. The evil commies are portrayed by rednecks and good old boys who either can't act at all or ham it up with Bela Lugosi type accents. At times it's difficult to tell who is supposed to induce more fear, the communists or the "strange children" who wear their skirts too short or fornicate at the drive-in. What is intended to be a very frightening film comes across as one of the most hilarious you're ever likely to see. Bizarre scenes of torture which range from improbable to impossible. Inane visions of brainwashing techniques. Wacko interpretations of biblical prophecy. Reminds me a lot of growing up here in the South. Too much maybe.

If Footmen Tire provides more laughs than most comedies ever manage. So do yourself a favor and find a copy on ebay or wherever you can and watch one of the best cult movies ever.